( LAUGHTER )
>> James: YOU ALL RIGHT, TIM? YEAH, YEH, GOOD.
YEAH. BETTER NOW.
A LOT BETTER NOW. >> James: THAT WAS
SENSATIONAL! I LOVE THAT!
WELCOME TO "THE LATE LATE SHOW"! THANKS FOR BEING HERE!
LET'S MEET THE GUESTS ON THE SHOW TONIGHT.
HE'S AN INCREDIBLE ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM "BABY DRIVER" AND "THE
FAULT IN OUR STARS," THE GLORIOUS, THE GORGEOUS, ANSEL
ELGORT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND THE EXTRAORDINARY PLAY LIST, THE DAZZLING, CHARMING JANE LEVY
IS ON THE SHOW THIS EVENING! AND A STANDUP COMEDIENNE MAKING
HER DEBUT TONIGHT WITH US, THE WONDERFUL BLAIR SOCKY IS ON THE
SHOW TONIGHT! IT'S THE 999th SHOW TONIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 999!
IN A WAY, I FEEL FOR THIS SHOW. WE'LL NEVER REMEMBER IT.
( LAUGHTER ) IT WILL ALWAYS JUST BE LIVING IN
THE SHADOW OF THE 1,0 1,000th SHOW.
WE'LL REMEMBER TOMORROW. TONIGHT, WE WON'T KNOW.
WHAT CAN WE DO TO MAKE TONIGHT EXTRA SPECIAL?
>> Reggie: MAYBE LIKE HAVE THE DESKS TURNED AROUND AND EVERYONE
RUNS AROUND THE STUDIO A LITTLE BIT AND EVERYONE COMES BACK TO
THEIR PLACES. >> James: LIKE A BIG NAGEL
CHAIRS? >> Reggie: LIKE A FIRE DRILL
CHAIRS THING, YEAH. >> James: YOU'RE SAYING THE
CREW DOWN LEER -- >> Reggie: YEAH.
>> James: -- ALL TURN AROUND --
>> Reggie: YEAH -- >> James: EVERYONE'S GOT TO
SWITCH SEATS. AND I'VE GOT TO GUESS WHO'S
MOVED? >> Reggie: SURE.
>> James: GO! ♪♪
♪♪ ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE,
SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN! ( MUSIC STOPPED )
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LOOK AT LAUREN! LOOK AT LAUREN!
SHE LOOKS SENSATIONAL IN THAT SEAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> BEN AND I ARE TALKING ABOUT
HOW THIS IS NOT MAKING THE SHOW. >> James: YOU DON'T THINK IT
MAKES THE SHOW? >> NO.
>> James: ONLY ONE WAY TO KEEP IT IN, WE HAVE TO BACK REF THIS
THE WHOLE WAY THROUGH THE SHOW. ( APPLAUSE )
BEN AND I WERE JUST SAYING THIS ISN'T IN THE SHOW.
YOU WAIT. YOU WATCH, SECOND ANSEL POPS UP,
I'LL SAYS WHAT DID YOU THINK ABOUT THAT LITTLE GAME WE
PLAYED? ( APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HEY, NATE. >> HEY, JAMES.
>> James: HOW ARE YOU? YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT IT WAS A
GOOD IDEA ON MY WAY OUT, BUT IT WAS NOT VERY COMFORTABLE TO
HOLD. >> James: I HAD NO IDEA YOU
WERE THERE. >> YEAH, I WAS QUIET.
>> James: YOU WERE REAL QUIET. YEAH.
>> James: COOL. SEE YA LATER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ONE MORE AND THEY'LL GO BACK TO THEIR ORIGINAL POSITIONS.
BUT IT'S GOING TO BE FOUR SECONDS.
STARTING -- GO! ONE!
TWO! THREE!
FOUR! ♪♪
(MUSIC STOPPED) GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO "THE LATE LATE SHOW"!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE DOING ALL THIS, WE'RE
MESSING AROUND, WE'VE MOVED AROUND AND PLAYED A GREAT GAME.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW ONE THING THAT WILL
MAKE AMERICA ACTUALLY REMEMBER THIS SHOW, IT WILL BE THIS.
IT WILL BE JUMPING INTO -- THE NEWS.
THIS MORNING, PRESIDENT BIDEN HAD A VIDEO CALL WITH RUSSIAN
PRESIDENT VLADIMIR PUTIN AND WARNED HIM IF RUSSIA WERE TO
INVADE UKRAINE, PUTIN WOULD FEEL, QUOTE
"ECONOMIC PAIN." I LIKE THAT BIDEN
IS TALKING LIKE A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER
FROM THE EIGHTIES. (TRYING A MACHO-MAN RANDY SAVAGE
IMPRESSION) "IF YOU INVADE, YOU'RE IN FOR
SOME SERIOUS ECONOMIC PAIN, BROTHER, OH YEEE-UHHHH!"
IT'S HARD TO THREATEN SOMEONE OVER ZOOM.
HERE'S AN ACTUAL PHOTO TO HAVE THE VIDEO CALL.
LOOK AT PUTIN THERE. THAT IS THE POSTURE OF A MAN WHO
DOESN'T CARE. ( LAUGHTER )
HE LOOKS LIKE LOUIE WAYMUTH WATCHING THIS SHOW.
( APPLAUSE ) AND DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS?
MARIJUANA MAY BE BAD FOR YOUR SLEPING HABITS.
NEW RESEARCH SHOWS THAT ADULTS WHO USED WEED TWENTY OR MORE
DAYS DURING THE LAST MONTH WERE MORE LIKELY TO SLEEP EITHER TOO
LITTLE OR TOO MUCH. THE ANSWER'S TOO MUCH.
LET'S BE HONEST. IT'S OBVIOUSLY TOO MUCH.
SMOKING MARIJUANA ISN'T GOOD FOR YOUR SLEEP.
THAT'S WHY, AROUND BEDTIME LIKE AROUND 11:00, 11:30, I
STICK EXCLUSIVELY TO COCAINE. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) BUT THERE'S A REASON FOR ALL
THE SLEEP PROBLEMS. IT'S BECAUSE YOU WAKE UP IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND CAN'T FALL BACK TO SLEEP BECAUSE
YOU'RE WONDERING IF A POP TART IS MORE OF A GIANT RAVIOLI
OR A TINY CALZONE. ( LAUGHTER )
I KNOW I SAID CAL-ZONE-Y. THIS CAME UP TODAY.
I KNOW I SAY CAL-ZONE-Y, AND THIS WAS SPIKEY ON THE ZOOM.
>> ALWAYS SPIKEY WHEN I TRY TO GET YOU TO PRONOUNCE THINGS LIKE
AN AMERICAN. >> James: THE WAY I SEE IT,
IT'S AN ITALIAN FOOD. THEY CALLED IT A CAL-ZONE-Y.
YOU TOOK IT THE SAME WAY YOU TOOK A CROISSANT AND MADE IT A
SANDWICH, RIGHT? IT'S CAL-ZONE-Y.
I AM EUROPEAN, AND THERE ARE SOME THINGS I JUST WON'T BUCKLE
ON, AND I WILL DIE ON THAT SWORD.
>> I DON'T WANT TO JUMP IN HERE BUT LET'S NOT DRAG THE
CROI-SANDWICH INTO THE GUTTER WITH ALL THIS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> James: TO ME IT'S A CAL-ZONE-Y.
>> DOES ANYBODY PRONOUNCE IT THAT WAY IN THIS ROOM?
>> NO, A CAL-ZONE. IT'S A NEOPOLITAN ACCENT.
WE ARE LOOKING AT HOW TO PRONOUNCE THE NAME OF THIS
CLASSIC ITALIAN OVEN-BAKED TURNOVER DISH.
SO HOW DO YOU GO ABOUT PRONOUNCING IT WITH A TYPICAL
ITALIAN PRONUNCIATION? CAL-ZONE-Y.
>> OH, CAL-ZONE-Y! I STAND CORRECTED.
BUT THE T IS A Z AND THE Z IS A T.
>> James: IT'S A NEOPOLITAN. IT DEFINITELY IS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: OPEN UP AND BE, OH,
I DIDN'T KNOW! IT'S OKAY TO NOT KNOW.
IT'S OKAY TO BE, I DIDN'T KNOW, I HAVE BEEN TAUGHT WRONG, I'LL
CHANGE MY OUTLOOK. IF YOU JUST WELCOME IN OTHER
( BLEEP ). FREE HEALTHCARE, THE NATIONAL
HEALTH SERVICE, YOU JUST ( BLEEP ).
GET ON BOARD WITH SOME OTHER STUFF!
OPEN UP! OPEN UP!
OPEN UP YOUR MIND AND BE, LIKE, OH, OKAY, YEAH, MAYBE WE GOT IT
WRONG. ( BLEEP ) ONCE AS A COUNTRY,
JUST GO, DO YOU KNOW WHAT? AND I'M APPRECIATIVE, RIGHT?
WE WOULD HAVE LOST WORLD WAR II WITHOUT YOU.
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE.
WE NEED AMERICA. IT IS A PLACE OF HOPE AND JOY
THAT THE ENTIRE WORLD LOOKS TO, BUT IT'S THIS SORT OF ( BLEEP )
( APPLAUSE ) I'M GOING TO GO.
( LAUGHTER ) >> YOU'RE KEEPING THIS GOING.
>> James: YOU CAN CANCEL OUT. "WEST SIDE STORY" WILL DO FINE.
IT'S A SMASH. FIVE-STAR REVIEWS.
GONG TO BE HUGE. HE CAN LEAVE.
LET'S PROPERLY UNPACK WHAT THIS IS.
I'M GOING TO TURN AROUND -- ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) HERE'S AN ODD LEGAL CASE GOING
ON IN NEVADA. BECAUSE OF A DISPUTE BETWEEN TWO
RESTAURANTS, A JUDGE MUST NOW DECIDE WHAT THE LEGAL DEFINITION
OF "MEXICAN FOOD" REALLY IS. I DON'T THINK YOU CAN GUBS MAKE
A SWEEPING DECISION LIKE THAT. I THINK THIS IS VERY MUCH SHOULD
BE JUDGED ON A CASE BY QUESADILLA BASIS.
( LAUGHTER ) I DO THINK THIS IS THE RIGHT WAY
TO HANDLE THIS. BECAUSE IF ANYONE SHOULD BE ABLE
TO TELL US WHAT IS CONSIDERED "AUTHENTIC" MEXICAN FOOD
IT'S A GUY IN NEVADA NAMED "DISTRICT COURT JUDGE
MARK DENTON." ( LAUGHTER )
>> I HATE TO ADD MORE FUEL TO THE FIRE BUT WE KIND OF BLEW
PAST THIS. THE STATE'S FOUND NA-VAD-A.
>> James: YOU GOT THAT RIGHT. I UNDERSTAND I HAVE BEEN
COMPLETELY WRONG AND I APOLOGIZE.
I WAS NOT CORRECTLY EDUCATED CORRECTLY.
NEVADA. PEOPLE HAVE SAID THIS TO ME
BEFORE BUT BECAUSE OF MY EDUCATION AND THE SYSTEM I GREW
UP IN, NEVADA. I APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE
WATCHING. I HAVE BEEN SAYING IT WRONG.
( APPLAUSE ) AND FINALLY, APPARENTLY MORE AND
MORE COUPLES ARE SPICING UP THEIR
LOVE LIVES - BY PUTTING CHRISTMAS TREES IN THE BEDROOM.
IT'S TRUE. EXPERTS SAY MANY COUPLES FIND
THE LIGHTS AND THE PINE SMELL A TURN-ON.
BASICALLY, THESE COUPLES WANT TO TO "ROCKING AROUND THE CHRISTMAS
TREE." BUT THERE IS ONE GOOD ASPECT
OF THIS TREND. ONCE YOU'VE TAKEN PART
YOU GET TO BE LIKE, "YEAH I'VE HAD A TREE-WAY."
( LAUGHTER ) COUPLES ARE BRINGING TREES INTO
THEIR BEDROOMS TO SPICE THINGS UP.
WHICH FINALLY EXPLAINS WHY I SAW A CHRISTMAS TREE
DECORATED LIKE THIS --
( LAUGHTER ) >> THE TREE HAD S&M GEAR ON IT.
DID YOU CATCH THAT? >> James: YEAH, I SAW IT.
>> Reggie: IMAGINE THAT BEING REAL LIKE YOU WALK INTO
SOMEONE'S HOUSE AND YOU ACTUALLY SEE THAT.
THAT WOULD BE PRETTY FUNNY. PRETTY FUNNY TO SEE THAT.
>> James: WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE OF "THE LATE LATE SHOW,"
EVERYBODY.