- I did vote for Hillary,
but not for the reasons you think.
I voted for her because if she would've won,
I would've lived out my dream
of playing Monica Lewinsky in a Lifetime movie.
(crowd cheers)
Oh yeah, I know what I look like, okay?
Can't waste this chubby Jewish face.
(upbeat music)
I go home a lot, I travel a lot
back to Minnesota where I'm from.
And I have a little sister there, she's nine, right?
And when she's younger, people always assumed
she was my kid.
So they're always like, "Oh, it's such a shame
to have had a baby so young.
Who's the father?"
I'm like, "I don't know, my dad," and ugh.
I have to be a good role model for her.
That's my job, right?
So any question she has about being a woman,
I answer very honestly.
She was like, "Hey, Jenny,
why do you have hair on your legs?"
And I was like, "Well, Olivia,
when you get older, you're gonna get lazy.
Next question."
Right, she's like, "Hey, Jenny,
why do you have pimples on your butt?"
I'm like, "'Cause I got tired of my face, shut up.
No more questions."
And I feel like we tell little girls
that they are pretty before anything else, right?
So I always tell her that she's smart.
She's creative, she's courageous.
I never tell her she's pretty
because I'm the pretty one, all right?
She needs to understand that.
But she's gonna be weird, she's gonna be a weird girl
'cause she's got an old dad,
like my dad was 50 when he had her.
Like I remember when he was young and fun and cool.
We'd do cool stuff like horseback riding and skiing.
I'm like, "Olivia, what do you and Dad do for fun now?"
And she's like, "Oh, we drink vodka
and talk about buying a gun."
I'm like, "ugh, yeah, some old dad shit."
Also her parents are old, both of 'em are.
And they do old people weird stuff.
Like do you guys remember when you were young,
you'd have a nightmare
and you'd run into your parents' bedrooms, right?
Both her parents have CPAP machines.
Yeah.
If you guys didn't know what that is,
basically is after 50,
your body tries to kill itself every night.
So you have to put a dumb mask over your face
and your body's just like, let me go.
And you're like, no, no, no, I have a prescription.
So she runs in to see these two Darth Vader zombies
just asleep in the bed like (snorts)
"What's wrong, Olivia, are you having a nightmare?"
And she's like, "(beep) it,
I'm gonna chill with the ghosts,
no, I don't need this shit."
I love my job, this is the greatest job.
This is the problem though, is that as a female comedian
which you gotta be a strong powerful woman
to do this, right?
Give it up for strong powerful women.
But I gotta be around dude comics all the time
and all they like to talk about
is how bad they're at sex all the time.
They're always like, "Oh my God, I'm so bad at this.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I thought it was an elbow."
But I like to think I'm pretty good at it.
And for two reasons, one, I have self-esteem high enough
to where I have confidence in my abilities.
And two, I have self-esteem low enough
where I'll do whatever you want so you won't leave me.
It's the best.
Right, 'cause in my head I'm like,
"I'm an independent woman!"
"I'm so alone."
"I don't need a man!"
"I just need a dad."
(audience laughing)
Oh no.
Got so dark there, didn't it?
When it comes to drinking,
the one thing I really hate hearing
is people saying that lady drinks, right?
Girly drinks are somehow the weaker drink.
That's bullshit 'cause I have never been
more (beep) up in my life than off a girly drink, right?
Beer?
That's shit.
Yeah, I could drink 12 beers, pass out,
wake up in a fountain smelling like a yeast infection.
Yeah, I could do that.
Or I can drink two thirds of an appletini,
black out, wake up, I've started a small business, okay?
I just wake up, I'm like, "Oh shit,
did I incorporate again last night?
Oh man, so much paperwork."
These dudes in my bag, they're my shareholders, okay?
We have a meeting coming up.
So I am a single lady now.
I was in a relationship for three years,
broken up for two of those.
And right, there are some things I miss about, you know,
having a boyfriend, there are other things I don't.
Like I don't miss this.
You know that moment where you're snuggling
with your loved one and you're about to go to sleep.
You're about to go off to dreamland
and then you feel it right in the middle of your back.
You know what I'm talking about.
I don't miss feeling like I'm being held at gunpoint
before I go to bed.
I don't miss that.
I did recently get broken up with over text.
(audience groans)
Yeah, that's the worst way.
That's not true, murder, murder is the worst way.
We have a choice, guys, just text her.
Right, such a terrible way to break up with someone.
Next time I do it, I'm gonna do it the old fashioned way,
carrier pigeon, right?
It's gonna flutter into his room, land in his computer.
He'll have to read from a tiny little scroll.
It's just gonna be like, "Dear Thomas, we are over.
I no longer hear the love in your voice,
it's been but a fortnight
since you sent me a picture of your wiener.
Your fantasy football league is stupid
and your Twitter's redundant, good day."
And then it's just gonna shit on his computer.
That's how you break up with someone.
Recently had to move, you guys,
I moved across the country from New York to Los Angeles.
And you guys, I live in a pretty cool part of town, okay?
I live in the area where people jog with their dogs,
which like me and my dog,
we got an understanding, we're never gonna jog together
'cause we have very similar body types.
We're kind of short, stocky, barrel chested, eight nipples.
We're not going out together.
(audience laughing)
What I love is the cool neighborhoods,
you can find these dudes
that have this very specific haircut
where it's like on the side and then it's shaved.
Like to me, it looks like a Hitler youth haircut,
which is fine, it's fine.
I feel like that's the mullet of our time
where it's like party on the left,
(speaks German), so.
Couldn't tell already, guys, I'm a feminist.
I'm a big, big dumb feminist.
And where are my other feminists at?
(audience cheers)
All right, nice, very nice.
I did feel a couple of dude buttholes tighten up,
not gonna lie.
Bros, loosen your buttholes up, okay?
Let the love in, let the love in.
'Cause I get it, I know what a lot of guys think
when they hear the word feminism,
they think of like a feminazi liberal arts student
with a vagina on her head being like,
"We're coming for your dicks."
We're not, okay?
I love dicks, oh.
I love them.
It's what's attached to them that's frustrating.
That's the problem.
But look, I will be the first one to tell you guys,
sometimes women will do stuff that is annoying, okay?
For example, I had a friend say this.
It was the dumbest thing I'd ever heard, okay?
She goes, "Jenny, I have to lose weight
because I have to get rid of my camel toe."
What?
You can't diet at your vagina away, okay?
Can't do it, it's just gonna be there.
There's only one way to stop camel toe, ladies,
and that's to keep it hairy, okay?
All right.
Some pushback here, guys.
Like, okay, look, it's cold outside, put a hat on.
You know what I mean?
Like I live in LA, but I keep it very Midwest down there.
All right, it is Minnesota, Wisconsin all the time.
I don't like stereotypes, right?
I hate this concept of big dick energy, right?
You guys know what I'm talking about.
And I'll tell you why I don't like it.
'Cause it's not real, okay?
I have met people with big dicks.
They are weird, quiet, never make eye contact.
That is every person with a big dick, okay?
What you have is medium penis power at best.
And I get it, right?
It's heavy, they can't make eye contact.
They're just like, "Oh my god.
I saw a boob today, I am wiped, oh my god."
It's true.
I went on a date with a guy.
During the date he said, "I just finished reading a book
on how to not be awkward."
And my first thought was, "Oh man, I gotta go buy lube now."
Like that's, my night's ruined, okay?
I've gotta call outta work.
I don't even have a job to go to, okay?
I was just gonna call an office
and be like, "Hi, I can't come in today.
I encountered a giant dick."
And they were gonna be like, "Who are you?"
And I would say, "A hero."
Click.
I don't like country music.
(audience cheers)
Oh cool, cool.
I don't like it, right?
I find it very offensive, right?
Especially to women, like the guy will be singing
about how much he loves his lady.
And he's like.
♪ I got a woman, isn't she cute ♪
♪ I like to watch her in the kitchen making me soup ♪
♪ But I don't know about no woman suffrage ♪
♪ All I know is I like her booty hanging out the fridge ♪
♪ Now I got a woman, she loves to cook and clean ♪
♪ I love her so much that I've killed her hopes and dreams ♪
♪ And later on, we're gonna make a baby ♪
♪ And my truck is made out of beer ♪
That's every country song ever written.
Thank you guys so much, I'm Jenny Zigrino!
(upbeat music)