i um i i probably like was like that after you know i got saved and didn't have that real
wilderness kind of you know experience where i just totally went away from things of god
that was probably after the third time i received jesus christ as well because the first two times
i did it but i had no idea of what i was doing right you know you receive a mass like you said
savior but not really lord of hell that's right hell if i didn't receive him but then
when i realized i was still doing the same things that i was doing before i confess
like i'm going to hell anyway so but when i really decided to live for christ is probably
maybe about four months before i got married well good timing oh good timing right so here i
am making a decision to live for christ having no idea because i wasn't bored up in ministry church
knowing about god would go to church because i was required if i wanted to go to the movies it
was like get on this bus if you want to go to the movies that's the reason i went to church
so now here i am getting married have no idea or idea of what i'm getting into i eloped mind you
and i married this man who i'm thinking is going to be the absolute answer to it all
right well he was it was like the answer to hell on earth i mean he was born again i was born again
i'm thinking you're a pastor son you're supposed to be perfect you're supposed to be the ideal
you know prince charming come and sweep me off my feet and let's live happy happily forever after
well it wasn't that for me and so now if you can imagine me learning who christ was and also having
to learn about who this man was and not knowing who i happen to be in christ it was a disaster for
me it was like god okay i don't want you i don't want this man i don't even want me at this point
and so it really kind of turned me off from developing my relationship with god because
i'm thinking is this what right christianity is about is this what god you are allow me
i mean like i thought it was a punishment yeah like i had sinned so much before i said i do
i'm thinking god now you're punishing me with this man and is this what i'm gonna have to live with
and divorce was never an option because i saw my parents go through whatever they went through and
still stay together so i didn't see much divorce in my family so i'm thinking oh i have done it
now and i'm stuck i'm in this wilderness for real just like the children of israel
god knows i can't allow it to take me 40 years to get out there is no promise
no promise to it so it was like i really had to separate myself from what i was going through to
i had to do this work i did you know because i was praying and asking god god you fix it
get me out of this state this position that i was in but then when i realized and was taught
that no you're going to have to add some works to your faith stop just saying you believe me
and not wanting to put the works in there and so how i got out of my wilderness state was i started
to apply my works with my faith and really develop my relationship with god learn who i happen to be
and then understand who this man was that i was married to and stopped trying to make him because
i was trying to make him fit into the mode that i had created for him and he was trying to make me
fit into the mood that he had created to me for me and so like somebody's mold had to be broken
a lot of times what keeps people feeling stuck is they think the movement towards
wholehearted living the movement towards a heart of flesh instead of a heart of stone is some
huge big step that they can't pinpoint right and it's just one little small thing right it's the
decision to make one phone call it's a decision to open your bible one time it's a decision to
turn on the tv and watch church now or now that we can go back to church as we start doing that
the decision to go and sit in the back nobody has to see me but i'm going to break the barrier
and go in there for the first time or again or the decision to get off the couch right
you know um it's it's one small thing and then every step after that becomes just one step
in a series of moving back homes that's right right and i think what would it have been for
the prodigal son to have not taken that first step out of that pig pen because he was thinking about
all of the things you know like when i get home what's going to happen with my dad
but he was like it was one step and then you worry about the rest of it as you go absolutely you know
when you think about a lot of the miracles that happen in the bible jesus also gives
them something to do he doesn't just heal them and be like great they have to walk out that healing
they have to change how they think and how they walk and everything about them it says pick up
your mat and do something like go now live a new way and i think that's often where we think like
i somehow i'm just going to miraculously wake up joyful i'm no longer going to be mad
how like you have to make the decisions you have to pick up your mat you have to do things
that do that for you that heal your heart that teach you a new way of living and i remember
i was talking to my mom and i was saying like i just she was telling me i needed to kind of
think differently about a situation and i was like honestly i've thought so toxic for so long that
thinking healthy seems wrong because toxic seems right and i was like so what you're telling me
seems like what you're asking me to do is more than i can do it seems harder than i know it
seems wrong like it that feels more uncomfortable than my toxic place my wrong thinking and i think
that's also the hard part is we make one step and then it's like this actually doesn't feel right
well of course it doesn't because your habits have led you to be normal in your toxic state
and it's like no you have to be uncomfortable for a season to learn your new way of life to learn
your new way of thinking to learn your healed body your healed mind and all of those things and so
i think that was one of the biggest steps for me is to realize like this is uncomfortable
and that's actually what i'm supposed to be not comfortable in the next step and so that
was like my biggest like moment of like oh i get it like i'm it's okay to be different it's okay
to feel uncomfortable in this season like french fries feel comfortable even though salads should
especially after cobin now i want french fries thanks for that i know i'm sorry that's all i
was thinking about as you were talking i was like french fries still right and salad feels wrong
until you eat it enough right and then it becomes a part of your palette right right
and that's the key right there is doing it and doing it and doing it and then before you know
it it becomes a natural thing that you desire that you want right i hope you enjoyed this video
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