AMY GALLO: What do you do when you work with someone
you just can't stand?
Let me guess, you avoid them, argue with them,
or complain about them?
While these instinctive reactions
are completely normal, you know as well
as I do that they're not exactly constructive.
In this video, you'll learn how to shift your approach
and foster working relationships that
are better for you, your team, and your organization.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
What if I told you I had a magic trick that
would make that annoying coworker not annoying anymore?
First, picture that coworker in your mind.
OK, now what's the first thing you think of?
If you're like most people, you're
probably thinking about all of the things about them
that bug you.
But what if-- and this is the magic part--
you got curious instead of irritated?
Stay with me.
Because adopting this mindset, while not always easy,
is going to help you transform how
you feel about this co-worker.
One note of caution.
The tips that I'm about to share do not
apply if the person is behaving unethically or mistreating
others.
In those cases, you have to call out the behavior
or bring it to the attention of someone who
has the power to address it.
Also, be careful if you think this person will be vindictive.
You have to be the judge of whether it is safe to address
the relationship.
Here are some questions to ask when you start to feel annoyed.
First, you can ask yourself, how am I reacting?
As author Daniel Goleman points out,
it's far more useful to focus on your own behavior
because, well, it's something you can control.
You can practice stress reduction
to manage your frustration and to minimize the impact
of their behavior on you.
You can then ask, what exactly is it that's bothering me
and why?
Focusing on the specific actions rather than
their entire personality will be far more productive
and much easier to address.
As organizational psychologist Ben Dattner
explains, "your coworker didn't create the button,
they're just pushing it."
So dig a little deeper.
Maybe this unlikable person reminds you of someone
who you have a difficult relationship with.
Or maybe deep down you wish you had their job.
Jealousy, negative associations, and triggering emotions
can cause us to wrongly assess someone and mistreat them.
Or maybe you're worried that people dislike you in the way
that you dislike this colleague.
Or maybe this person is just different from you.
Unfortunately, we can have subconscious and biased
behavior towards people who are not the same as us.
This can cause us to dehumanize them.
And the consequences of that are much worse
than mere irritation.
Try to separate behaviors from traits.
Identify what might be an unfair stereotype.
And then set that aside and focus on the actions
that are bothering you.
Remember, it's much easier to change your perspective
than it is to ask someone to be a different person.
You could also ask yourself, is it
really so bad for your team or your organization
to have people who don't like each other?
It's often the people who challenge us or provoke us
that prompt new insights or propel
the team to greater success.
That's worthy of your respect and curiosity
even if you don't plan to invite them to your backyard barbecue.
You already know what you don't like about your coworker,
but it can be helpful to ask, what do I
like about this person?
Most people aren't 100% annoying.
You can ask yourself or colleagues
who seem to work well with this person, what
are their best qualities?
Maybe they have a good sense of humor
or an eagle eye for detail.
How can these qualities benefit your organization?
It's important to note if you're a manager who dislikes
an employee who reports to you, you
may be unconsciously mismanaging them and treating them
unfairly.
To avoid serious problems, pay extra attention to the value
they do bring to the team.
And don't focus on their flaws.
Another question to ask is, what might happen
if I spent more time with them?
I know, I know it's counterintuitive.
But see if you can intentionally work on a project with them.
Or invite them out for a real or virtual cup of coffee.
And if you make it a point to ask open-ended questions
and really listen to their answers,
you may discover what motivates their behavior.
Maybe it's stress at home, pressure from their boss,
or their own insecurities.
Empathy and appreciation may displace that irritation
and give you an opportunity for a shared positive experience.
It's highly possible that they don't
know how their behavior is impacting others
and that it's standing in their way professionally.
If that's the case, you can ask, can we talk about it?
Now, this conversation is not a free-for-all
where you get to list all of your grievances.
It's a chance for you to talk together
about how to improve your working relationship.
Conversations like these are not the easiest.
I know.
So use your best judgment to see if they're open to.
And don't feel like you have to broach
the subject if you feel like it'll just make things worse.
However, if they are receptive, you
can say something like, I don't think we're working together as
effectively as we could.
What do you think?
Do you have any ideas for how we could work better together?
Or our working relationship is important to me.
And there's something on my mind.
Can we talk about it?
You may need to get specific.
Instead of saying you take up too much airtime,
you could say I'd love to figure out a way for us
both to get our ideas out in the weekly team meeting.
What do you suggest?
Again, focus on specific behaviors
that they can control, and on work issues.
So they don't think you're attacking their personality.
For instance, instead of saying your edits are nitpicky
and driving me up a wall, you can
say I noticed that you rewrote several of my headlines
in that presentation.
Can we agree now on what level of edits
are necessary going forward?
It can help set the stage if you're
curious and open to what feedback they
might have for you.
Chances are the negative feelings are mutual
and they may have a few things to say to you too.
That sort of feedback isn't always easy to hear.
But it may help you both grow.
If you've asked yourself all of these questions
and you're still truly stuck, you can ask,
what if I just ignore them?
As long as you can do this without being passive
aggressive, detaching yourself emotionally with a "I
don't care attitude," can help neutralize
the effect of their irritating behavior on you.
And if this person is truly just a jerk,
you can always just tell yourself
every day they have to wake up as their miserable self
and you get to wake up as you.
In situations where you have little to no control,
this cognitive reframing is a helpful tool of last resort.
OK, let's review.
We're all different.
And sometimes a co-worker's behavior
can rub you the wrong way.
Your curiosity is your magic wand here.
Key questions to ask are--
how am I reacting?
Focusing on managing your own reactions
is something you can control.
What exactly is bothering me, and why?
Digging deeper to unpack your reactions
may reveal more about your own role in the situation.
Is it really so bad to not like this person?
Diverse opinions and work styles can
be key to innovation and problem-solving.
It's worth reconsidering.
What is there to like about this person?
Pay attention to their strengths and how those
can be assets to your team.
What might happen if I spend more time with this person?
This takes a big dose of openness,
but you may discover what drives their behavior,
both good and bad.
Can we talk about it?
If they are open to it, having a careful, constructive
conversation about how you can work better together
can yield positive results.
What if I ignore them?
As a last resort, you can short circuit
being annoyed by just deciding not to care about it anymore.
Thanks for watching.
All of these strategies are from HBR articles,
which are linked in the description below.
Do you have a tactic for working with someone you dislike?
Or do you have an idea for a topic that we should
cover in an upcoming HBR video?
Let us in the comments below.
Bye for now.