Well, it went down exactly like we all hoped it wouldn't.
Brett Kavanaugh was confirmed as the next Supreme Court Justice.
Right now, drunk frat boys and angry misogynists are thinking,
"Someday, if I really force myself on someone,--
I, too, could be a Supreme Court judge. Or--
or maybe even President!"
And it's particularly upsetting when you think about what the victim had to go through.
>>This whole 2 week effort has been a calculated and orchestrated political hit.
>>Fueled with apparent pent-up anger about President Trump.
>>Revenge on behalf of the Clinton's.
>>And a millions of dollars in money from outside left-wing opposition groups.
Yes, despite getting everything he ever wanted,
the question remains, is Brett Kavanaugh the real victim here?
Which brings us to our regular segment,
No.
Was this hard for Kavanaugh? Sure!
Does that make him a victim?
The confirmation went pretty smooth, all things considered.
Somehow, Kavanaugh rode victimhood to the Supreme Court. He pulled it off.
And he couldn't have done it without a whole lot of people also pretending he was a victim.
>>I cannot imagine what you and your family have gone through.
>>On behalf of our nation, I want to apologize
>>to Brett, and the entire Kavanaugh family.
You know the woman who was assaulted has a family too.
In fact, her name is Blasey Ford.
She might even have two families!
Why is that not important?
Also, what does it matter if you have a family?
Scott Peterson had a family.
And Scott Peterson killed that family because of that family.
Personally, I think he's innocent.
And the craziest part in all of this,
is that at the same time Kavanaugh was going through the confirmation process,
more victims were being identified.
>>I say that it's a very scary time for young men in America when you can be, uh--
>>guilty of something that you may not be guilty of.
>>This is a very difficult time.
That's right. Do you know how scary it is for men to simply walk down the street every day?
We always have to be on our toes, ready to deny being a rapist at any second.
Sometimes, when I walk to my car, I clutch my old calendars between my fingers
just in case.
Do you know, someone robbed me once of my calendars.
It was a real date rape.
They did it annually, which makes it even more painful.
And it's more than just the accused sex offenders like Kavanaugh and Roy Moore why cry victimhood.
Don't forget about white nationalists, like Charlottesville rally organizer, Jason Kessler.
Sure, his big hate gathering led to someone being actually murdered,
but think about his pain.
Yes, yes. No, no, he is right.
Also, in a way, the 9/11 hijackers were victims of a plane crash.
Claiming victimhood is nothing new.
After the massive BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico in 2010,
no one had it worse than BP CEO, Tony Hayward.
>>We're sorry for the massive disruption it's caused to their lives.
>>And you know, we're--there's no one who wants this thing over more than I do.
>>I want my life back.
He looks like he has a bland tasting penis.
But, hey, Tony. I get it.
Millions of tons of oil spilled into the ocean,
wildlife is decimated,
people lost their lives!
I'm sorry, Tony, but you're gonna have to pull a late night at work.
So, Kavanaugh says he's a victim.
Trump says men are the victims.
White nationalists think they're the victims.
Cops call themselves the victims when they accidentally shoot someone.
Religious people say they're victims whenever gay people get married.
And, unfortunately, it drowns out the voices of the people
who are being truly wronged.
If anyone can say they're a victim,
how am I supposed to know who the real victims are?
>>I can help you with that, Jim.
>>Because now it's time to play,
Who's The Real Victim?
That's right, if you can understand them.
It's the one and only game show that
tests your knowledge of victimization.
Are you ready to play, Jim?
No.
No means yes here at Who's The Real Victim.
That's why our producers keep getting fired.
Well, here we go. First question.
Bill O'Reilly, the former Fox News host,
was fired after several women accused him of sexual harassment.
Now, Jim. Who's the real victim here?
This is easy. The victims are all the women who say they were harassed.
[buzzer]
Oh, I'm sorry, Jim. No.
According to Bill O'Reilly, the victim is...
Bill O'Reilly.
Am I mad at God? Yeah, I'm mad at him.
I wish I had more protection.
Yeah. Nice work not protecting Bill O'Reilly, God.
You had one job!
Wait, how is Bill O'Reilly the victim?
Next question.
A Christian man attacked a Muslim woman and reportedly
stole her head scarf after he wished her a merry Christmas
and she replied, "happy holidays."
Jim,
who's the real victim here?
This is a no brainer. It's the woman.
[buzzer]
Wrong again, Jim. Sorry.
The right answer is Santa Clause.
Not only is he fighting a war on Christmas,
but now, he has to go out and get this woman a brand new head-scarf.
Does Santa even visit Muslims?
Of course not. They're all on the naughty list.
But now, he has to make a special trip just to deliver a scarf.
And finally, a multi-million dollar media outlet
silenced a black man from expressing his political opinion.
Jim, who's the real victim?
I've got it. It's the black guy.
You know? Because of all the cotton fields and the different fountains and all that.
[buzzer]
Sorry, Jim. Wrong again.
Turns out that black man was musician and slavery apologist, Kanye West,
who forced the audience at SNL to listen to him talk about Trump.
So, the real victims here are the cast, the crew, the audience,
and black people who aren't Kanye.
And the Asian kid who made the hat.
Okay, this game's totally unfair.
I'm trying to give the right answers, but these are trick questions.
I feel like I'm being victimi-
I - I'm the real victim!
[bells]
That's right!
That is right, Jim.
Here on Who's the Real Victim, the victim is always you.
And for your prize, you win a Kanye edition MAGA hat
and this scarf.
Where'd you get this?
Don't worry about it.
That lady shouldn't have told me "happy holidays."
Plus, you get an all-expense paid trip
to a children's migrant detention center.
You're gonna get to spend three days
and two nights in beautiful Brownsville, Texas
teaching a captive immigrant child what real struggle is like.
Congratulations and thanks for playing
Who's The Real Victim?
I'm a winner!
And a victim!