WHAT ABOUT THAT?
WE'VE GOT ROMY AND MICHELLE. ROMY AND MICHELLE ON THE SAME
SHOW! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
SAME SHOW. GREAT MOVIE.
GREAT FILM. >> Reggie: LOVE THAT FILM.
ONE OF MY FAVORITES. >> James: DO YOU THINK WE'LL
GET -- DO YOU THINK WE'LL HAVE FILMS LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN?
>> Reggie: NO. NO.
>> James: WHY? >> Reggie: WE'VE MOVED BEYOND
THOSE GOOD FANCY-FREE TIMES. >> James: WE HAVE, I THINK IF
SOMEONE WENT IN AND PITCHED "ROMY AND MICHELLE" NOW, THEY
WOULD GO, "COULD BE THIS A 10-PART SERIES?"
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COMEDY? >> Reggie: THE FIRST AUSTIN
POWERS THAT WAS THE GREAT ONE? >> James: IT'S GROOVY, BABY.
>> ALL THE AUSTIN POWERS WAS THE GREAT ONE.
ONE, TWO AND THREE. >> James: I DISAGREE.
MAX HAS GONE BACK AND WATCHED I WILL TELL YOU WHAT, MY SON AUSTIN
POWERS AND NUMBER ONE HOLDS UP. TWO, YOU'RE LIKE, OH YEAH, IT'S
-- THREE YOU'RE LIKE, NAH. >> Reggie: YEP.
YEP. >> James: BEYONCE IS IN THREE
AND YOU CAN EVEN SEE IN HER EYES, OH, THIS IS A MISTAKE.
[LAUGHTER] I MEAN, I HAVE TO WRITE SOME
ABSOLUTELY KILLER SONGS FOR PEOPLE TO FORGET I WAS IN THIS.
>> THAT WAS ONE OF THE THINGS TAT GOT PUT IN THE BOX TO THE
LEFT. >> James: CORRECT.
100%. 100%.
[APPLAUSE] WELL, IT'S THAT TIME.
IT'S TIME FOR THE NEWS! AND HERE IS SOME GOOD NEWS.
AFTER TWO YEARS OF COVID RESTRICTIONS, THE UNITED STATES
CAPITOL BUILDING IS NOW ALMOST FULLY REOPENED TO THE GENERAL
PUBLIC. YEAH.
I'M SURE WE CAN ALL REMEMBER YEAH. --
WE ALL REMEMBER THAT TIME YEAH, ABSOLUTELY. EARLY
ON IN THE PANDEMIC WHEN EVERYBODY WAS LIKE, OH, I JUST
WANT LIFE TO RETURN TO NORMAL SO WE CAN GET BACK TO TOURING THE
CAPITOL BUILDING. [LAUGHTER]
THE HOUSE AND SENATE CHAMBERS ARE OPENED TO TE PUBLIC,
FINALLY. YOU CAN SEE WHERE THE MAGIC
ABSOLUTELY NEVER HAPPENS. [LAUGHTER]
CONGRESSIONAL OFFICES WILL NOW BE ALLOWED TO GIVE 15-PERSON
TOURS OF THE CAPITOL AND THEY'RE VERY EXCITING THE TOURS.
THEY'RE LIKE, HERE IS WHERE MITT ROMNEY RAN TO SAFETY.
[LAUGHTER] THIS IS WHERE -- YOU REMEMBER
THE HORNED SHAMAN, THIS IS WHERE HE POSED FOR A PHOTO.
VERY EXCITING NOW. MEANWHILE, PUBLIC TOURS OF THE
WHITE HOUSE WON'T RESUME UNTIL NEXT FRIDAY.
FOR NOW, THE TOURS WILL ONLY BE AVAILABLE ON FRIDAY AND SATURDAY
MORNINGS, AND THIS IS NICE FOR A SMALL EXTRA FEE, YOU COULD HAVE
BREAKFAST IN BED WITH THE BIDENS.
DID YOU EVER HEAR ABOUT THIS? STARBUCKS WANTS TO ELIMINATE ALL
SINGLE-USE CUPS BY THE YEAR 20 2025.
YEAH. SO -- VERY GOOD NEWS.
SO THE COMPANY IS CONSIDERING [APPLAUSE] A
NEW BORROW A CUP PROGRAM WHERE CUSTOMERS WOULD PAY A DEPOSIT
FOR A DURABLE CUP THEY CAN TAKE WITH THEM AND RETURN LATER.
STANDPOINT, SINGLE-USE CUPS FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL ARE
A HUGE PROBLEM. I'M SORRY.
LET ME REPHRASE HERE. THEY'RE A VENTI PROBLEM.
[LAUGHTER] WE JUST HAVE FUN, DON'T WE?
[LAUGHTER] I HOPE OTHER RESTAURANTS START
TRYING OUT PROGRAMS LIKE THIS, TOO.
I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE DAY UNTIL I CAN JUST ROLL UP TO A TACO BELL
WITH A LOOSE TORTILLA IN MY HANDS AND JUST GO, "HIT ME!"
[APPLAUSE] IN OTHER NEWS, GOOGLE MAPS IS
NOW BLURRING DOGS' FACES ON THEIR STREET VIEW IMAGES TO
"PROTECT THEIR PRIVACY." HERE'S AN EXAMPLE HERE.
GOOD THING, TOO, BECAUSE, NO, THIS IS GOOD BECAUSE THAT -- THE
DOG IN THAT PHOTO IS WANTED IN THREE STATES FOR GRAND THEFT
AUTO. [LAUGHTER]
CONCERNED ABOUT PRIVACY FOR NICE TO KNOW GOOGLE IS DOGS.
YOU AND ME NOT SO MUCH, BUT, YEAH, DON'T WANT ANYONE TO STEAL
THE IDENTITY OF MR. WAFFLES. [LAUGHTER]
THEY'RE BLURRING DOGS' FACES. IF THERE'S ONE THING DOGS HATE,
THEY'RE LIKE, "WHY CAN'T I IT'S ATTENTION. JUST
BE A GOOD BOY WITHOUT EVERYONE TELLING ME I'M A GOOD BOY ALL
THE TIME?" A UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR IS NOW
APPA.APPARENTLY, THE PROFESSOR SUING HIS OWN STUDENTS D
COPIES OF HIS BUSINESS COURSE EXAMS POSTED ONLINE WHICH HE
CLAIMS INFRINGES ON HIS COPYRIGHT OF THE MATERIALS.
OR YOU COULD JUST, YOU KNOW, CHANGE THE TEST EACH SEMESTER
BUNCH OF STUDENTS TO COURT IS BUT, NO, I GUESS TAKING A EASIER
THAN THAT. [LAUGHTER]
A PROFESSOR OF BUSINESS IS SUING HIS OWN STUDENTS.
IT MAY NOT BE THE BUSINESS LESSON THE STUDENTS SIGNED UP
FOR BUT IT'S A BUSINESS LESSON NONETHELESS.
[APPLAUSE] I FEEL FOR THESE STUDENTS.
I FEEL FOR THE STUDENTS BUT TO BE HONEST, I'D STILL PREFER TO
HAVE TO HAVE THEM TRY TO TEACH GET SUED BY MY TEACHER THAN ME
SHAKESPEARE THROUGH HIP-HOP. ROMEO, ROMEO, WHERE FOR ART THY
ROMEO, THICKA-THICKA-WHAT KIND OF TEACHER WOULD YOU BE?
>> SUBSTITUTE. [LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE] >> James: WE HAD A TEACHER --
I'LL CHANGE HIS NAME -- CALLED MR. GREEN, AND -- TRUE STORY.
ABSOLUTELY TRUE -- THIS TELLS YOU A LOT OF MY SCHOOL -- A GIRL
AT MY SCHOOL TOOK A [BLEEP] ON HIS DESK.
I PROMISE YOU THAT IS TRUE! [LAUGHTER]
HE OPENED THE DRAWER AND SHE HAD TAKEN A [BLEEP] IN HIS DESK,
BECAUSE HE THREATENED HER WITH SUSPENSION.
[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE]
AND DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS? A MAN VISITING FLORIDA SPENT THE
NIGHT IN WHAT HE THOUGHT WAS AN AIRBNB ONLY TO DISCOVER THE NEXT
MORNING HE HAD SLEPT IN THE WRONG HOUSE.
HE ACCIDENTALLY PUT THE WRONG ADDRESS INTO HIS GPS.
SUSPICIOUS WHEN HE FIRST THE GUY WAS A LITTLE ARRIVED AT THE
HOUSE. HE WENT IN THE DINING ROOM.
THE FIRST BOWL OF PORRIDGE WAS TOO HOT, THE NEXT WAS TOO COLD,
THE THIRD ONE JUST RIGHT. THIS IS TRUE, THE ACTUAL
HOMEOWNER WHO SHOWED UP THE NEXT MORNING WAS VERY UNDERSTANDING.
HE WAS LIKE, DON'T WORRY, THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME IN FLORIDA.
I ASSUME YOU'RE ON BATH SALTS? [LAUGHTER]
MOVING ON, A RARE SPECIES OF TOADS FOUND IN ECUADOR HAD
BROKEN ITS SILENCE. THE TOAD WAS CONSIDERED MUTE
SINCE IT WAS DISCOVERED. A BIOLOGIST HEARD IT VOCALIZING
IN THE RAIN FOREST. THE CRAZIEST PART IS THE FIRST
THINGS THE TOAD SAID AFTER 100 YEARS OF SILENCE WAS WAZZUP?
THE TOAD, HOW DO YOU KNOW IT BROKE ITS SILENCE?
IT FINALLY EXPOSED A SCANDAL VERY DRAMATIC. AT
A POWERFUL CORPORATION? TURNS OUT IT ACTUALLY HAS A LOT
TO SAY, THIS TOAD. IN FACT THIS YEAR IN SOUTH BY
SOUTHWEST , IT GAVE A TOAD TALK. NO.
NO. NO.
THE FIRST AMOUNT OF LAUGHTER YOU GAVE, THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY
CORRECT. HALF LAUGH, HALF SYMPATHY.
I COULD ONLY ASSUME IT WAS YOU TRYING TO START AN APPLAUSE THAT
YOU WROTE THAT JOKE. >> NO!
NO. NO.
I'M JUST A BIG ADMIRER OF THAT JOKE.
SOUNDS LIKE TED TALK. YOU GOT IT, RIGHT?
>> James: YEAH. YEAH.
YEAH. OH, SORRY, WHAT?
>> TED TALK. >> James: OH!
>> THAT'S ON ME. >> James: FINALLY A START-UP
COMPANY HAS AN AMBITIOUS PLAN TO ACCESS A NEW RENEWABLE ENERGY
SOURCE. THE COMPANY PLANS TO DIG THE
WORLD'S DEEPEST HOLE 12 MILES BELOW THE PLANET'S SURFACE TO
HARNESS HEAT FROM INSIDE THE EARTH.
IF THIS WORKS, IT'LL BE PRETTY AMAZING THAT THE SOLUTION TO
RENEWABLE ENERGY AND GLOBAL WARMING WAS JUST DIG A BIG HOLE.
[LAUGHTER] JUST DIG A BIG HOLE.
THEY'RE GOING TO DRILL FOR 12 MILES.
THEY SAID BEFORE DRILLING FOR 1E TO TAKE THE EARTH OUT FOR A NICE
DINNER. [LAUGHTER]
PUT ON SOME SILK -- [LAUGHTER]
THIS IS -- I CAN'T EVEN DO THIS. THIS IS HISTORIC, BECAUSE IT
BREAKS THE WORLD'S -- BECAUSE IT BREAKS THE PREVIOUS RECORD FOR
THE WORLD'S DEEPEST HOLE WHICH IS, OF COURSE, HELD BY YOUR
MOMMA. THAT'S THE NEWS!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, EVERYBODY. ♪