Most people on the planet today feel conditionally loved.
What I mean by this is,
they feel they're only going to be valued appreciated and loved
if they act a certain way.
If they're good,
if they're perceived as right,
if they're successful,
if they're doing the things other people want them to do.
And what this means is that down deep
most people walking the planet have this deep unmet need
of feeling unconditionally loved
no matter what they do or don't do,
no matter what they are or are not.
And at face value
this idea sounds like a great one.
This idea is part of so many
spiritual philosophies around the world, as well.
I mean just go ahead and look up
how many quotes there are on unconditional love.
The problem is
there's some serious shadow to this desire.
And today i'm going to help you to look at that.
When we say that we want unconditional love,
what we are really saying
is that we want an unconditional relationship.
We want a relationship with no consequences.
We want a relationship where no matter what we do or don't do,
the other person will continue to value us,
appreciate us...
To the degree that they will feel good towards us
and never get into conflict suffering with us
or want to leave us.
Before I go on I want to explain,
when I say "conflict suffering", what I mean is that
when you get into a lot of pain in a relationship,
either you end up trapped,
that's what conflict suffering is,
we're constantly fighting with each other,
there's constant issues but we're staying in the pain anyways.
And the opposite of that, is abandonment. Right?
"Because this relationship is going to hell, i'm going to leave you."
Both are things that we don't want,
when we're looking for unconditional relationships.
I want you to sit with that for a minute.
To want unconditional love
is to want to opt out of a life
where the law that operates your life,
is cause and effect.
It's to want no consequences for anything you do
or anything you are.
Does that sound reasonable to you?
To want an unconditional love
is to want a relationship where there's really no pressure on you
and no expectations.
What this means is that
it's not really love that we're looking for.
We're looking for that feeling of being wanted and valued
to the degree that somebody pulls us in and keeps us with them.
We're looking to be wanted.
Now, I really need you to get this,
because when we use that word: "I want to be unconditionally loved"
we don't mean love.
To love is to take something as a part of yourself.
To understand this more in depth, watch my video titled:
What is Love?
When you do this,
you expand so that yourself and the other person
are like two parts within you.
You don't abandon the part that is yourself
for the sake of the part of you that is the other person,
It is simply that now the best interests of both parts within you,
yourself and them are both your concern.
You have an intrinsic motive to want to meet both of their needs
and resolve both of their pain.
But this means that incompatibility now matters to you immensely.
You cannot feel good
meeting one's needs at the expense of the other
and therefore, to truly love you must recognize conditions
that exist for both parts within the relationship,
instead of deny them.
Did you hear what I just said?
To truly love somebody,
you have to powerfully recognize
conditions that exist to the relationship.
I'm going to give you an example:
Let's imagine that you're a person who wants a simple no pressure life,
that is centered around hobbies
and hanging out with the people you love.
Now let's imagine that you develop romantic feelings
for a person who's ambitious.
Someone who wants a big life
that's centered around the accumulation of wealth achievements and travel.
If you get into a relationship with this person,
this incompatibility will very soon cause you both pain.
You will feel conditionally loved.
When this person complains
that they're carrying the weight of the household,
when they start to complain about how lazy you are,
when they start to complain
about all those "losers" you like hanging out with,
instead of getting ahead,
and when they start to complain
because of the pain they're caused in this incompatible situation
you're gonna feel like
you aren't loved.
In fact, you're gonna begin to feel like they're only gonna love you,
if you turn into someone else.
And guess what?
They are gonna feel conditionally loved, as well.
They're gonna feel conditionally loved
anytime you have an issue
with the fact that they can't just be happy with what they have.
They're going to feel conditionally loved
when no matter how unhappy they are in the situation,
you still won't get off your ass
to do something to get you guys ahead
into a better place financially in life
or whatever else the story is.
So they're going to end up the same way that you ended up.
Feeling like they're only going to be conditionally loved.
That they're only going to be loved by you
if they change into someone else.
Someone who suddenly likes hanging out
and suddenly has no ambition
and suddenly has endless time
to do nothing but appreciate what is.
What you want is for this person to value you
and appreciate you to the degree that they will feel good towards you
and never get into conflict suffering with you
or leave you no matter if you never make any more money,
never travel,
and make them carry the burden of any lifestyle improvements alone.
For example.
What they want is for you to value them and appreciate them
to the degree that you will feel good towards them
and never get into conflict suffering with them
or want to leave them,
no matter if they think your friends and family are all losers,
leave you behind for trips they go on around the world
and work so much that it feels like you're living two separate lives.
Is that a reasonable expectation?
No! Because it's not possible.
You can include somebody as a part of yourself
so as to see what is truly their best interest,
what they truly desire and truly need.
but if the truth of who somebody is,
the truth of their actual desires and wants
leads you farther away from what you want,
there's no possible way
for the relationship to stay in the same configuration,
and be happy.
Essentially if the truth of someone
takes you further away from what you want,
further away from your truth and causes you to suffer,
you're not going to be able to value and appreciate it,
to the degree that it feels good
and compels you to be on good terms
and stay with them in the same relationship configuration.
This means that loving someone
does not always mean
approving of and saying yes to
everything about them
or everything they want.
It also doesn't mean
always staying in the same relationship configuration.
To understand more about this,
I want you to watch my videos titled:
Incompatibility (A Harsh Reality in Relationships)
&: Why Approval is Not Love
Are you ready for me to tell you something that's going to shock you?
I mean i'm about to drop something here that you're going to be like:
"Wait, wait... what?
The person you are least likely to get unconditional love from
is your primary partner.
Why?
Because this is the person who has the most skin in the game.
Your primary partner
is going to be the person who is the most directly affected
by anything in your life.
Anything you do, anything you are, anything you say.
They're going to be directly impacted by this.
Now, to be "unconditional"
what a person would have to be
is disconnected.
They'd have to be in some kind of a configuration
where nothing you're doing is really directly impacting or affecting them.
This is why so many people who are in need of relationship rehabilitation
do so well with therapists.
A therapist relationship is more unconditional
than almost any other relationship,
because no matter what you say in that room,
it doesn't cause them to get upset,
or devalue you, or stop appreciating you,
or want to stop seeing you every week.
But this is because they have no skin in the game.
If you decide to go home and shoot up heroin
and burn your house down,
you can come back into the room and they're going to be like:
"Oh, I see. Let's explore Why you did that."
Why?
Because it wasn't their house you just burnt down.
A friend is going to be more conditional
than a therapist.
Because their life, most likely,
is more directly affected by the things you do and don't do.
Who you are and aren't,
than the therapist.
But a primary partner,
like I said,
is going to be even more conditional than that.
A primary partner is going to be the relationship
you really have to step up to the plate for.
It's going to be a relationship of expectations and pressure.
The more compatible you are, the easier this will be
and the less it will seem like this.
So did you hear what I said?
If you're looking for that relationship that just feels like ease
and feels safe and just feels comfortable,
you're gonna have to find a compatible partner.
Because it's that compatibility
that makes it so the things that you're doing,
the things that you are
benefit the other person,
instead of take them in the exact opposite direction
from what they're desiring and needing and wanting.
Love is not the same as a relationship with no pressure
and no expectations.
I know that right now
from where you currently are with your consciousness
you feel like the truth is the opposite.
You feel like the safest and easiest relationship you can be in
is a relationship with no pressure and expectations.
Because it feels like the relationship you can relax in
and feel good about yourself in.
But it's a myth.
It's a myth you're chasing because of your deep wound of:
"You are wrong and bad and therefore must change".
I want you to ask yourself some questions.
I'm going to spell them out for you;
When I say:
"I want to be loved for just me",
what does just me mean?
What is just you?
What are you?
I want you to sit with that question before you go further.
When I say: "I want to be loved for me",
what am I?
Am I the things I do?
Am I the things I think?
Am I the things that I say?
Am I my behavior?
Am I my desires?
Am I my purpose?
Am I just some intangible essence?
What is it you want people to just love?
Are you one of these things?
None of these things?
Or all of them?
Once you decide,
might it be possible to consider
that in order for somebody to not get into "conflict suffering" with you
or want to abandon you,
they would have to be compatible to those things?
I'm going to challenge you today
that what you want is not an unconditional relationship.
Even though you may be using those words.
Guess what?
You're not even capable of giving that to someone.
Will you continue to value and appreciate someone
to the degree that you'll feel good towards them
and never want to leave them if they cheat on you?
What if they abuse you?
What about if they make a decision
that means staying with them physically
makes it so you never align with your desires?
If you are a person who says you can unconditionally love,
unlike everyone else,
what you are really saying
is that you're a person who thinks it's okay and even good
to give your best interests up
and to suffer for a relationship.
To stay with someone
no matter how miserable you and or they are together,
I'm going to assert that what you really want
is a person whose conditions for a relationship
are compatible to your conditions.
For your own well-being.
What I mean is,
compatible to your wants,
compatible to your desires,
compatible to your purpose,
compatible to your needs,
compatible to your interests,
compatible to your character makeup.
For example, let's say that you have a desire
for someone to want to really be with you,
to want you
even if you have a temper,
even if you get hit and in an accident
and you end up disabled.
Even if you're poor for the rest of your life.
What you're really saying is that you want somebody
who can look at those things and say:
"Yeah, actually i'm compatible to that,
because none of those things are conditions which make
my well-being impossible".
In other words,
"I'm compatible to that
because those aren't conditions for conflict suffering
or for ending a relationship for me specifically.
One person could genuinely not have the condition of physical ability
with regards to fulfillment in their relationship.
Another person could have that condition.
One person could genuinely not have the condition of ambition.
Another could.
One person could not have the condition
of being together physically, another could.
One person could not have the condition of wealth,
another could.
The reality in a relationship
and it's time for you to swallow this:
Is that everyone has different conditions.
What you're really wanting
is to feel okay with someone's conditions,
and for them to feel okay with your conditions.
This is far closer to actual love,
than this "mythical unconditional love"
that you have been sold
is a possibility for human relationships.
Love in and of itself,
is ultimately unconditional at its very nature,
because to take something as a part of yourself
does not require compatibility.
Love is ultimately unconditional,
because all is one.
We are all part of each other whether we recognize it yet or not.
There is no actual way to truly separate from one another
even though in the physical dimension we can move our bodies
to create the perception of distance,
there is no way for you to separate from this universe.
This is why when you get out of body
or when you have a near-death experience
or when you have a transcendental spiritual experience,
you have the experience of the universe at large,
what many call "God", being unconditionally loving.
Because it sees you as a part of itself.
It cannot separate from you.
It's always going to be interested in your best interests.
It is not pushing you away.
It is deeply pulling you in.
That does not mean...
That does not mean that you should not recognize conditions
in a physical reality
relative to the relationships you choose.
All people need to be damn conscious
about exactly what their conditions are.
They need to be damned straight about their conditions with themself,
and damn straight about their conditions with other people.
Keep in mind that we will have different and unique conditions
for every different relationship configuration that we have.
From therapist relationships,
to coaches, to business partnerships,
to friends, to siblings, to parents, to children, to husbands, to wives...
Here's the problem:
Because unconditionality has become a quality of virtue
within the human race,
we believe that being unconditional,
is being good.
And therefore the ego has invested interest
in being unconditional,
even though it's not actually possible.
So you've gotta unhook your ego from the concept of unconditionality.
In other words,
looking at your conditions
makes people feel shame about themselves.
So the likelihood of them admitting to it themselves
and admitting it to other people,
is slim to nothing.
We're also led to believe
on top of the fact that unconditionality is the highest human virtue,
we are also led to believe that certain conditions are okay
and certain conditions are not.
For example:
In most cultures, not all,
but in most human cultures
let's say that a woman is being beaten up,
and she decides that that's a condition of hers.
"My condition for staying in this relationship
is you not beating me up".
Most people are going to line up around the block behind her to be like:
"Damn straight that should be a condition
for staying in that damn relationship and therefore loving him".
You are definitely not going to be encouraged or supported
if your condition for being in a relationship with someone
is their wealth,
or lack thereof.
In other words, if you decide
to constantly have an issue with somebody
or to leave based on them being poor,
you are a horrible person.
The thing is,
just because we build shame around a condition,
doesn't mean that that condition suddenly vanishes.
In fact, it stays there
but the person stuffs it into their subconscious mind
and denies it exists.
They say:
"I love you so much.
I love you no matter what you do.
I will love you until the end of time, till death do us part."
Until that condition isn't met.
The unfortunate thing is,
to admit to your conditions relative to a relationship
feels like you're going to have to take the risk
of feeling like and having other people see you as
a really bad person.
Thus re-triggering the original wound of:
"You're wrong and bad
and therefore must change"
thus reactivating the pendulum swing into:
"I want an unconditional relationship".
Have a good week.
If you liked this video,
be sure to share it, like it and also subscribe to my channel
so you can see more content like this.
But I want to personally thank you
for taking the initiative and having the bravery
to step into the space of awareness
not only for yourself,
but for the benefit of those around you.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte www.tanyaduarte.com