Hello! today I want to talk to you about maybe the most important aspect of
nonverbal and verbal communication it stems from every single word that you
say you have no choice but to express yourself with a certain tonality
tonality is so powerful think about the days you're a young kid and your parents
said don't use that tone of voice with me young man it's so impacting it
oftentimes carries more weight than the actual words that you use a very
important thing to remember is regardless of whether you think you're
using a certain tonality or not everything you say is said with the
tonality I think most of the time people think they're using a tonality that is
very neutral and it kind of maintains the current vibe of the current energy
of the interaction while they don't really realize they're coming from a
little bit different perspective than what they think now the three different
types of tonality are rapport breaking neutral and rapport seeking so think
about rapport seeking for a minute think about you're talking to a boss you're go
to interview most of the time the inflection of your voice towards the end
of the sentence is going to go up so to something easy with how are you doing so
you're going to say something like how are you doing
very supplicating once again very looking for approval
trying not to ruffle any feathers trying not to give them any reason to feel
anything except for you're going to be friendly form how are you today how are
you doing it sounds like a sales call almost how's your week been very high
pitch actually when you think about it more the entire tone sometime is high
pitch with inflection at the end so how are you very high level the whole time
almost like you're singing a little bit when you listen to it you see people
interacting you hear that tone it's it's actually kind of hard to listen to you
realize the other person is is brown-nosing it's just it's almost kind
of offensive but the problem is too many people use that tone at the beginning of
interaction thinking that's the best way to come across because once again you're
not ruffling any feathers you're meeting someone new you want them to like you
don't you yes but you also want them to respect you okay so now you can speak
with a neutral tonality so now you're talking like I'm talking right now how
are you you know it's not going it's not too high
you're not singing you're not in your head voice but you're not also coming
down you're not breaking or poor either so how are you how was your week how's
everything been going with you how are the kids anything like that is very
neutral it's going to kind of maintain the energy you put forth unless of
course you're coming from this support seeking to Analia that I started with
and lastly you've got what's called rapport breaking tonality so that
typically is going to trail off with the lowering in the tonier voice so how does
this come across and I say this are you how was your week oh yeah how's the wife
been it sounds like a boss speaking to a co-worker or a employee doesn't it it's
actually the most powerful type of tonality because it indicates that
you're not worried about ruffling feathers you're comfortable the way
you're perceived and it's very strange because there's nothing specifically
about that type of tonality that intuitively tells you that he's trying
to repay her for or that he's not worried about how he comes across but
it's so easy to identify I mean you could take anyone off the street and
show him me saying these three things and say guess who he's interacting with
is he worried about how he's perceived does he put the person he's talking to
status above him I would guess that a ten-year-old kid oftentimes would get
everything correct because it's such a crux of human interaction and human
communication so when I talk about the communication equilibrium you can think
of it as a seesaw as a balance as I always talked about or you could just
think of are you interacting with someone who's cooler than you or not I
mean I heard many years ago the world is a big high school cool people stay cool
and dorks stay dork well that's not true people obviously change but there is
always a perception where people are trying to scan out your social value or
are you cool or not so pretty much when I say if you're slipping in the scale
just think of it as there's a person you talk to all of a sudden all of a sudden
think you're a little less cool do they think they're a little cooler than you
are they putting you below them are you putting them on a pedestal when that
happens I'm referring to when the equilibrium shifts against you you're at
40 they're at 60 so that's another way to kind of conceptualize this premise so
say you're approaching the quarterback of the team and you know play football
and you're trying to come across in a really good light
you're gonna feel when you're interacting to them very stifled you're
gonna feel like you can't be yourself like you're trying to put on a good
impression because you know what they think of you can have an impact on your
life all of a sudden it's the end of a football game and he's walking out and
he's like oh hey how are you doing man how would you think of the game and
everyone sees that well they're gonna think wow this guy's that must be cool
the coolest guy in school is given him props that's very important to think
about so you're going to come at it with the very rapport seeking tonality and
the problem is what you're trying to do is actually the opposite of what you're
going to achieve you want him to like you instead you're going to come across
to someone that doesn't respect themselves therefore doesn't think that
the quarterback should respect him and odds are the quarterback won't respect
him and won't like him so it's very important when you're going up to
someone who it's very important to you what they think of you watch that
tonality let's use this in a business setting you're talking to your boss I
coach people all the time who say how I interact with my boss I feel like they
don't respect me they talk down to me well I say let's pretend we're
interacting right now and 99 percent of the time they're using a very
supplicating report seeking oh please like me throw me a bone put me on
mentality whereas I don't coach them to say you know come at it with a report
breaking tonality try a neutral tonality and the surprising thing is when you're
using a neutral tonality with someone who you perceive as higher value to you
you will feel like you're talking with a very rapport breaking tonality because
you're so used to supplicating and so used to putting them on a pedestal so
even if you start to speak with them like yeah how was your week
it was everything good a very on the same page as the other person you'll
feel like you're saying how was your week how are things with your wife but
in actuality that's your perception that's not what's really going on so if
you're in a situation like this and most people are that they have someone that
it's very important how to perceive them whether because of work or for personal
reasons watch your tonality and try to come at
them with a much more rapport neutral tone as opposed to rapport seeking
basically what tonality is telling people in a non directly communicative
way is that how do you respect yourself compared to the person that you're
talking to do you respect them more than you basic is that if you respect them
more than you it's natural for people to use a inflection in their voice that's
very rapport seeking if you put your value the same as them it's going to be
more neutral and if you put their value below you it's going to be more neutral
to report breaking so keep that in mind when you want to control your perception
especially in a situation you're talking to someone that you perceive as having a
little higher value or as a little cooler than you try to come in with a
much more neutral tonality as opposed to what feels more natural with a very
supplicating tone use this today and I think you'll be impressed with how much
it allows you to control other people's perceptions of you and once you use it
in a very small instance you realize how effective it is you'll start to notice
both consciously and subconsciously how you're coming off with these different
tonalities and begin to use it more and more effectively as you begin to
understand and appreciate its true value and its power