-Well, you guys, this is huge.
Earlier today, House Democrats
unveiled the official articles of impeachment
against President Trump,
which the media called giant, historic, and a very big deal.
That's right -- The impeachment
has now reached Baby Yoda status.
[ Laughter ]
As she announced the charges against Trump,
Nancy Pelosi called it a solemn day.
Yeah, you could barely tell she was flossing behind the podium.
[ Laughter ]
"Charges against the president are very grave.
Very serious. Solemn day."
[ Cheers and applause ]
At the press conference, Adam Schiff said for Congress,
the impeachment is not a matter of facts.
It is rather a question of duty.
Trump heard that and was like,
"Hey, speaking of question of duty,
how many times do you flush?
I'm up to the mid teens."
Meanwhile, committee chairman Jerry Nadler
said Trump consistently puts himself above the country.
And in response, Trump accused Nadler
of consistently putting his pants above his nipples.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Nadler then said, "We must be clear.
No one, not even the president, is above the law."
Yeah, it's strange, but it seemed like Nadler
kept using Steven Seagal movies to explain the impeachment.
First, he said, "Not even the president is above the law."
Then he said, "Trump has left our democracy under siege,"
and that we made a poor executive decision.
And it's Congress' job to be out for justice.
And finally, Nadler said that even though Trump's hair
is red on top, there's also a fire down below.
[ Laughter ]
He kept doing it. -There you go.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-While the Democrats were unveiling
their articles of impeachment against Trump,
there was a photo taken at the press conference.
Take a look at this.
Yeah, and you can kind of tell what everyone is thinking.
For instance, Nancy Pelosi is thinking,
"Remember, serious on the outside,
Christmas morning on the inside."
[ Laughter ]
Carolyn Maloney is thinking,
"I think those five shots of Jaeger were a bad idea."
Here, you could tell Eliot Engel is thinking,
"I think there's some soup in my mustache.
Better get it real quick."
Also, Jerry Nadler is thinking,
"When does a tie get so wide that it's considered a scarf?"
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Finally, the painting of George Washington is thinking,
"I shouldn't have gotten my wife a Peloton for Christmas."
[ Laughter, cheers and applause ]
Just got to -- -Don't do it.
-After the press conference, a reporter on MSNBC
was trying to break down the articles of impeachment
at the Capitol but had some competition.
Take a look at this.
-Walk us through these two specific
articles of impeachment. [ Choir singing ]
-Yeah, reporting from the halls of Congress,
which, as you can hear,
are filled with the sounds of holiday cheer.
So let's just go with it.
Going through this short document,
there's two things that they were trying to demonstrate here.
-Wow.
Is Nancy Pelosi in a good mood or what?
I mean, like -- ♪ Dah who doraze, yahoo oray ♪
Some 2020 news.
I saw that Democratic candidates have until Thursday
to qualify for the next debate.
Some of them are getting very desperate.
Today, Cory Booker tried to gain support
by wearing a Bernie Sanders wig.
I thought that was odd.
[ Laughter ]
Well, this is a big deal.
I saw that Russia has been banned
from competing in the 2020 Olympics
due to a doping scandal.
Of course they're disappointed, so to cheer up the athletes,
Russia has decided to hold its very own Olympics,
and the events are pretty interesting.
For example, you can compete in the 100-meter dash from bear.
You can also compete in the Chernobyl marathon.
[ Audience groans ]
And finally, shirtless horseback riding.
It's going to be very interesting.
-Wow. -Very interesting.
-Can't wait.
-You guys see this?
I saw that a Bible-themed video game is coming out.
People are very excited about this.
It allows you to perform miracles as Jesus.
We actually have a clip of the game.
This is the real game. You can -- So you can --
This is the game.
So apparently, they've updated it
so you can perform some more modern miracles.
Like putting a duvet on a comforter
in less than 10 minutes.
Or turning water into White Claw.
Or miracles like eating a Nature Valley granola bar
without getting oat gravel all on your keyboard.
And, of course, knowing whether to swipe or insert the chip
on the first try.
[ Laughter, cheers and applause ]
No. Insert?
-Not yet. -Swipe?
-Not yet.
-And finally, I saw that the CEO of Away luggage is stepping down
and she's being replaced with an executive from Lululemon.
The guy from Lululemon isn't sure if it's a great fit,
but he's going to squeeze himself in there anyway.
We have a great show.