- This next comic is a really,
really good friend of mine,
the machine, Mr. Bert Kreischer, everybody!
Let him hear it!
(audience cheers)
- I fought a bear one time.
(audience laughs)
(laughs) I know it sounds as ridiculous to me
as it does to you,
but I used to have a show called "Hurt Bert."
It was on FX,
and I used to take new men's dangerous jobs.
Every week, it was a brand new guy
and I took his dangerous job.
So you can imagine the excitement I had
when I got a call one morning and they said,
"Hey, do you wanna fight a bear?"
I was like, "Who does that for a living?"
And they were like, "You do on Thursday."
(audience laughs)
So I show up on set, and it's a real grizzly bear.
It is a nine-foot bear sitting on a park bench, just,
(audience laughs)
a vacant look and as dumb
as you think a bear would look, just.
(audience laughs)
So I walk up.
I'm 28 years old. I don't know any better.
I stick my hand in front of his nose so he can get my scent.
(audience laughs)
And the trainer loses his shit.
He goes, "What are you doing?"
I was like, "He's getting my scent."
He goes, "This is a grizzly bear, not a Labradoodle!"
(audience laughs)
He goes, "That's not how we do it.
We have protocol around here."
I said, "Okay, what am I supposed to do?"
He goes, "Take these,"
and he hands me five marshmallows.
He goes, "When the bear's not looking, take a marshmallow,
put it in your mouth.
Then discreetly walk in front of the bear just casually.
Show him the marshmallow like haw."
(audience laughs)
"And allow the bear the opportunity to engage you.
He needs to engage you
and take the marshmallow outta your mouth with his mouth.
This way, he'll learn to trust you."
And I was like, "(beep) that."
(audience laughs)
"Who thought of this, the bear?
Is this the bear's idea?"
(audience laughs)
He's like, "Hey, buddy, this is how we do it."
And my whole television crew's behind him like,
"♪ This is how it we do it"
(audience laughs)
It's my second TV show ever.
I have no idea what I'm doing.
I'm 28, so I'm like, "All right, I don't care.
I'll do it."
(audience laughs)
So I take five marshmallows, I hide behind the bear,
and like David Blaine, I whip one into my mouth,
then nonchalantly walk in front of the bear
like a street hooker like "Oh, oh, oh.
Oh? Oh!"
(audience laughs)
And the bear goes from vacant to excited,
just (snorts) (growls).
And I'm going (wails).
And he starts jumping.
He goes (snorts) (growls).
And I'm going, "Ha."
And he rushes me and tongues it out of my mouth.
(audience sighs)
Tongues it. Bears never brush their teeth.
(audience laughs)
I'm making out with a homeless person five times in a row,
just (snorts) (groans), and I'm like (wretches).
We get done, and the trainer goes, "Fantastic, we're ready."
I go, "Hold on. I haven't learned anything."
(audience laughs)
He goes, "Are you kidding me?
You learned the most important lesson of the day,
and that is the bear likes marshmallows."
(audience laughs)
I go, "What's that mean for me?"
He goes, "Listen, if you get in trouble,
just very confidently say 'marshmallow,'
and what'll happen is the bear will hear that
and he'll give you some space to do your marshmallow trick.
But we'll hear it, we'll know you're in trouble,
and we'll get you outta there.
That's your safe word."
And I was like, "Yeah, but he thinks they're inside me."
(audience laughs)
He's like, "You'll be fine. Let's go!"
And the bear, I swear,
and I know you're gonna go "bullshit,"
the bear was smiling.
(audience laughs)
He's got that look in his face
like, "I know how to get marshmallows around here, bitch."
(audience laughs)
And he runs up to me, and I can't express it perfectly.
It's like being in a car crash,
the most helpless I've ever felt.
He grabs me by the ears, both paws,
lifts me off the ground effortlessly
and starts trying to shake marshmallows out of my ass,
just (snorts) (growls), and I'm going,
"Marshmallow, marshmallow, marshmallow!"
But no one can hear me
'cause there's a nine-foot grizzly bear going (growls).
All the sudden, he drops me,
and that is at the moment that I thought I was gonna die,
he lets go, and I'm like, "Thank God."
Then his fingernail grabbed my belt loop, just snagged it,
and he spun me doggy style
(audience laughs)
and locked on in a bear hug, just (snorts) (growls),
grinding gently on my ass, just (grunts).
Now we're both facing the same direction.
I'm looking at the crew, the trainer going,
"Marshmallow, marshmallow, marshmallow, marshmallow!"
(audience laughs)
Everyone's laughing except for the trainer,
who looks panicked.
(audience laughs)
He waves and catches eyes with me and goes, "Go limp!"
I'm like, "Please be talking to me right now."
(audience laughs)
And I'm, "Is there a bear cock climbing up my jeans
about the split center seam?
Just (simulates tearing) "Marshmallow!"
- So I go limp.
(audience laughs)
I go limp.
Now it looks like I'm getting date raped by a bear, just.
(audience laughs) (Bert grunts)
I slide out of his paws, land on my back,
and that's the last thing I remember
because apparently, his instincts took over
and he sat on my face.
(audience laughs)
My wife, who I had been dating for three months at the time,
I had invited her to the set so I could impress her.
(audience laughs)
My wife's not afraid of big animals at all.
She goes over to the bag of marshmallows,
grabs a marshmallow, puts it in her mouth,
stands by my feet, and goes, "Haw."
The bear then takes his balls out of my mouth,
(audience laughs)
walks over to her.
They pull the bear to one side, her to the other.
They drag me under a tree,
and I wake up in the lap of my producer, Tim Scott.
I open my eyes. I look at Tim.
It's the first thing I see,
and I was like, "What happened?"
He was like, "Well, (clears throat)
you got raped and tea-bagged by a bear."
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
"You might wanna get tested."
(audience laughs)
And he's like, "But that chick, that LeeAnn chick,
I think she saved your life."
And I look over, and my wife, at that moment,
is coming running over to me,
and it's like it's out of a movie.
And I know you're gonna go, "Really?
Is this how this (beep) happened?"
Well, it's my narrative, okay?
(audience laughs)
She leans in. Her head blocks the sun.
There is a halo from the Lord himself or herself.
I don't care.
(audience laughs)
And she is staring down at me,
and she says to me in her southern accent, "Are you okay?"
(audience laughs)
And I looked back at her with the sun caressing her face,
and I knew without a doubt in that instant
at that very moment.
You're like, "Really? That's when you knew."
Yeah, that's when I knew I would've never done that for her.
(audience laughs)
Thank you, guys.
(audience cheers) (upbeat music)