As a kid, I was really scared about going to hell.
Like, the concept of Hell was really frightening.
One thing I remember doing, is that I took a match, and I light it on, and I blew the
match out, and I put it on my arm just to see how it feels.
It was really hot, and I remember thinking "This is too painful", and then I imagine,
"Imagine this all over your body forever," and I couldn't even imagine how could anybody
tolerate it.
It so consumed me, that I remember crying one time thinking about me going to hell,
my parents going to hell, and I remember my aunt coming to me and asking me why I was
crying, and then when I told her, she mentioned that, "No, don't worry.
Hell, most people are never going to go to hell.
Hell is for the worst of the worst people."
And that calmed me down for bit until I went to school.
This was before school, but the teachers in school, in later years, they told us that
actually, most people are going to end up in hell, even most Muslims are going to end
up in hell.
If you missed one prayer, if you missed one day of fasting, if you doubted God ever, you'll
have to pay for it.
And I knew I still had a chance, because I wasn't an adult yet, and these things were
not mandatory for me yet, but I noticed that my parents were not praying, my parents weren't
fasting, and I asked my teachers in elementary school.
"So, my dad, my mom they're going to burn in hell?"
And they were like, "Yes, they're going to burn in hell."
I tried to argue with them, I was like, "Is there any way - like, they're not going to
listen to me, what can I do?"
Like when they die, you could pray the prayers that they missed, and do fast on the non-Ramadan
days for the fasting that they missed.
But while you're catching up, they're going to burn in hell until you catch up to all
their prayers.
And the teacher actually, I remember, he took a pen and paper and like, "How old is your
mom?
How's old is your dad?
Let's say they die at this -" And he added up all the prayers that I had
to do for them not to burn, and like, we both concluded that there's no way I could catch
up, so I would have to pay somebody to do the prayers for them, so that they could come
out of hell.
So, like okay, so I have to get rich, I have to make enough money so I could hire some
people to pray the prayers that they missed, so I make sure that my parents don't end up
in hell.
In Islam, you are without sin until you reach the age of reason.
So, for boys, that's 15, for girls, that's nine, according to what they told us in school.
I understand later that some Muslims have a different understanding of what those exact
years are, some people say it's just the age of reason, there's no specific number for
it, but my understanding was, based on what they told us in school, that before 15, anything
I do is not counted as a sin.
Suicide is a sin, but not if I do it before age 15.
So, I thought, if I kill myself before age 15, there's only one destination for me: heaven.
I wanted to make sure I got this right, so I asked my teachers, "Why wouldn't I just
kill myself to make sure I don't go to hell?"
And the only comeback they had for me for why I shouldn't do that, is because if children
die, they go to heaven, that's true, but they go to the lowest part of heaven.
There are many different levels of heaven.
The highest part is for the martyrs, where it's exactly next to Mohammed, where Mohammed
is, but if I die as a child, I go to the lowest part of heaven.
They say if you earn heaven with good deeds, then you go to a higher level.
So, that's why I shouldn't kill myself, because you could go to a better part of heaven.
But I thought, 'Who the fuck cares?'
I just want to not go to hell.
I'm content with the lowest part of heaven.
Why would I gamble?
Why would I take a chance, even the slightest chance of burning forever, even burning for
thousands of - Because they told you, like the smallest amount
of sin will get you years and years in hell, and then you go to heaven.
I said, "I can't take 10 minutes of burning."
Years of burning?
Forget that.
So, I jumped out of my school window attempting to kill myself around age 12, to make sure
I go to heaven, and I wasn't successful.
I remember seeing my dad cry, I saw my mom going crazy on the ground, and she was so
distressed, and my father, what I did to them was so tragic, and I felt so bad, that I didn't
try it again.
I broke both my legs, my left ankle, my left arm, and I fractured my back.
Luckily, I didn't cut my spine.
I was in a wheelchair, in my bed and wheelchair for around seven months.
I missed one year of school.
When I took Islam more seriously, and started studying it, the problem is that the concept
of hell still stayed with me.
As a Muslim, my parents were still gonna - even though I thought I could avoid hell right
now, when I'd reached 15 I was like, "Okay, game on, I can't miss a prayer anymore, I
can't miss a day of fasting anymore," but my parents were still not practicing Islam.
Even though they were Muslim by name, they were not practicing it, and they were going
to still end up in hell.
And I remember at home we watched BBC, we watched Hollywood movies, and always, all
I could think of like, that reporter, he's not a Muslim, he's going to burn in hell forever.
That actor that everybody seems to - everybody here in Iran seems to celebrate that guy,
but don't they remember that he's going to burn in hell forever?
I was like, how could all these people burn in hell forever?
I decided that I'm going to study other religions.
Maybe they aren't as bad.
Maybe they're kind of Muslim-light.
I told myself, listen, Islam is proven by logic and reason, so I shouldn't be worried
about examining Islam through logic and reason, because at the end of the day, I'm going to
come back to this conclusion.
The more I looked, the more doubtful I got, and I remember actually praying to God, I
was scared, I was crying, I was telling God that I'm going down a path, that "I'm losing
faith in you, and if you're out there, please don't punish me if I ever lose my faith in
you.
Please, anything, any sign, any evidence, the smallest amount of miracle that you could
send me my way, I appreciate that.
If you're there, talk to me, say something, do something.
I'm losing you.
You're the only thing I have.
You're my only friend, my only refuge, talk to me, anything."
And nothing.
When I lost my faith in God, I decided that even if God is imaginary, I'm still going
to talk to him, because he was the only thing I had.
But I couldn't - once I realized that I'm the creator of this god that I'm talking to,
and sort of him being my creator, the conversation became much less meaningful, and much less
rewarding than it used to be.
So, my talks with him became less and less, and eventually it completely stopped, and
I called myself an atheist at that point.