please welcome guia and dj envy
[Applause]
welcome to the daily show
thank you for having us your book has
caused quite a storm i'm sure you have
noticed you know there are not many
books about marriages and relationships
that get everyone online talking which i
actually think is a good thing but i
want to start with the why you know some
people write books about how they did
what they did in the relationship
there's always one person in the couple
you wrote a book together it's really
intimate it is also really vulnerable
tell me why
well
for us like you said we've been together
for 27 years married almost 21 years wow
and
people constantly come up to us friends
families sometimes even people on the
street asking us
how is it that we kept it together and i
don't really like that question because
kept it together kind of gives the
impression that you did it somewhat
under duress
i think the better question is 27 years
later why do we still want
to be together
i like that because marriage is a choice
but a lot of people don't look at it as
a choice it's like after the honeymoon
stage is over after the big beautiful
wedding typically around seven years
down the line
it's as though a lot of people feel as
though they're trapped there or being
held in advice and eyes start wandering
but why is it that now we still want to
be there so we wanted to let people know
it really gets into the nitty-gritty of
relationships in a way that like you
know
like you you're dj envy you know what
i'm saying and i i i was surprised by
the vulnerability you put in this book
because you even talk about in the book
there's no denying that hip-hop for a
long time has has operated in a shroud
of bravado correct you know so hip-hop
has all been about uh you i don't even
talk about my wife you don't know if i
have my wife i'm all about the streets
you know i've got these lays in the
street it's a feeling it's an idea
and
you've come out as dj envy and you're
going no here are the mistakes i made
here's how i was insecure as a man
here's how i could have been a better
husband was there not a part of you that
was worried that the dj envy would now
basically be
you know losing himself to tell the
truth i think these are the
conversations we need to have if you
think about it we can go to the barber
shop and we talk about our favorite nba
player we can talk about our favorite
sneakers our favorite music but
sometimes things that are important we
need to discuss as well and that is
relationships i wish i had somebody at
the barber shop and say hey look my wife
is me and her arguing about this right
am i right is she right what do i do you
know how do we solve this conversation
how do we get into a situation where
we're not right fighting meaning we're
just fighting to win but we actually
want to you know get to the same place
and have a better you know
description of whatever we're arguing
about because at the end of the day
we're on the same team right if we're
arguing we shouldn't be arguing to i
should be trying to annihilate her she
should be trying to destroy me in an
argument we should be trying to get to
an understanding where we can both
understand it seems impossible though
that like i mean the book starts off in
honestly one of the most vulnerable
places which i which i commend you for
because i think a lot of people live in
a silo where they think their
relationship is terrible and everyone's
living great relationships because
they're on instagram yeah right and then
you read the book and then you go like
oh boy relationships are tough people
are struggling yes yes you talk about
infidelity you know you talk about in
the beginning of the book you were a
shitty man to her you talk about this in
the book no no it's
i'm not
i'm not saying you guys trevor
you talk about being controlling you
talk about being like you know you have
this you're like gear you can't go there
you're gonna go with me and you're gonna
be in the booth when i'm djing you you
you talk about this that's a vulnerable
place to put yourself in and it's an
honest place
like
that is an interesting thing to do as a
person i want to know why you thought
you need to include that you didn't keep
it vague right you were like here's
specifically how i was well i
wanted to to talk about what i did to be
so shitty
don't jump we've all been shitty in
relationships you know what i'm racist i
was a good husband too at one point
but you know also i have a 20 year old
you know and she goes to nyu and i
wanted to to teach her and show her what
she should be looking at right because i
tell her if she finds a guy like how i
was run wow everyone
it's not that funny but i wanted to
but i wanted to also discuss you know
the change in the evolution and what
made me think about it and why i was
insecure i was insecure because i
thought she would find somebody smarter
somebody more uh
handsome than me which would be
difficult but more handsome than me uh
and i was really really at a place where
i was like i can't let her go if she
leaves she's gonna find somebody else
and it was my own insecurities that
almost ruined this relationship ruined
my the best thing i've ever had ruining
a relationship with my best friend we
have six kids and i almost lost all of
that because i was insecure wow that's
beautiful man thank you for sharing for
real that's beautiful thank you that's
really nice because
you see when we talk about that bravado
take it away from hip-hop because people
have been sold the idea of perfect
relationships everyone who thinks
they're not in a perfect relationship
things that they're failing when in fact
people who are honest go like oh this is
hard it is hard to do
you talk about infidelity you talk about
the things that you were going through
gear one of the biggest things women
will talk about is the embarrassment and
shame that comes with being cheated on
they go like my self-worth has almost
been publicly decimated in the book you
share yes how you found out from a
gossip blog that he was having an affair
now people lie and everything but that
one was true yes
when you're sharing that when women are
reading that many women would say the
same thing they go like if a man cheats
on me i'm gone i'm out
and yet you talk about all of your whys
and your hows
what did you learn in that moment and
what do you think people can learn about
infidelity in a marriage okay
first of all
rashawn didn't cheat on me
he cheated on himself
and a lot of women don't look
at the situation that way when they're
cheated on and some men and some men but
it takes a tremendous amount of
integrity and self-worth to be able to
hold yourself to a certain standard when
you're in a relationship in and of
itself
furthermore when you're in the public
eye
extend that a little bit more when
you're an artist a dj an athlete or
someone in that profession because like
you stated earlier it's almost expected
that you're living this single life
where you're popping bottles and in the
clubs and have women
around you constantly but for me
it was very important to write the book
because i want women to understand that
men cheat and it doesn't necessarily
have to be because of you
it is because of them so i don't i
didn't feel embarrassment people ask me
how is it so easy for you to talk about
he's his own individual he made a choice
i didn't cheat
there's no embarrassment for me there's
no humiliation for me i own me and i
have to decide how i'm going to move
forward with my head held high it's very
important for women to understand that
when you
when you talk about it in the book what
i love about this book is it's not a
how-to book i will say that
it's a it's a book that seems like a
conversation you are having with anyone
who's reading the book it seems like
we've met you as a couple we get to know
you as a reader we see you talk to each
other you talk to us as individuals some
of your friends are in the book as well
getting their perspectives from the
outside and from the inside
and and
one thing that was really intriguing to
me gear is when you talked about honesty
through a different lens
many people think the only betrayal that
can happen in a relationship
is one where
somebody cheats that's betrayal that's
the only betrayal right you dropped one
of the biggest bombshells in the book
and in your relationship when you told
your husband you had been faking orgasms
for basically a decade
yeah
i mean i didn't find that for you
that's yeah that's but you you admitted
you're like this is also a betrayal this
is a dishonesty absolutely like so walk
me through that as a couple because
because we'll talk about the online
aspect later i i want to get i want to
get through that because i really
enjoyed you talking about it with each
other here you are as a wife going i
lied about this here as a husband going
my whole world is a lie right yes so
we've been together since i was 15 and
he was 16. wow and i lost my virginity
virginity to him on my when i was 16 on
our one year anniversary so i was 16 he
was 17. i was a virgin and he was
virgin-ish relatively
a virgin
he had tried with somebody else it
didn't really you know he crossed the
finish line
so needless to say we were both very
inexperienced
but
even during those times i enjoyed
our intimacy i enjoyed sex but i didn't
know myself
what an orgasm was i came to figure it
out but when you don't understand
yourself how do you communicate your
needs to someone else and
the way that most young women are raised
in this country
more than likely around the world
it's as though we're subconsciously
taught that women are play things for
men when you look at billboards
magazines ads television music videos
anything you see beautiful women sexy
women sometimes scantily clad and you
believe that we're here for the pleasure
of men
so i prioritized my husband or my
boyfriend before he became my husband
when it came to the bedroom
and
my needs came second
and i never communicated that with him i
thought through love i thought i was
catering to his ego and catering to the
outcome that obviously any person wants
in that type of situation
and then when i finally told him it was
years of frustration we were in an
argument and i weaponized it did she to
hurt him did she
i thought i was mandingo
big daddy long leg
and then she sits i'm not gonna lie i
would watch porn when i was a teen and
porn you just yes and that's what i
think it was all of that right did they
get it and
during that argument she was like you
know i haven't had an orgasm i'm like oh
really all right well how long last week
she was like no 10 years
and that looked just like that that's
painful very yes yes and
it wasn't that far stretched for me at
the time to weaponize something like
that because
our relationship at the time we didn't
behave as though we were on the same
team
if we argued it was to win in the book
we refer to it as right fighting right
we didn't care about understanding each
other gaining common ground fixing the
problem we just wanted to win so that we
can kind of shrug our shoulder at the
other person at the end and maybe tell
our friends or whatever
it was with that
that feeling where you just wanted to
demean essentially the person that
you're with and you want to hurt them as
much you want to hurt them as my like
they say hurt people hurt people so
that's where i was coming from at the
time in in in the sharing of this and i
want people to read the books i won't
give all of it away because you break it
down you talk about the ramifications
you talk about how it made you feel and
i i love that you also say you don't
blame her you don't go like i cheated
because she did you go like no i now
felt insecure i went i i it really is
honest one of the things i noticed
online as as happens is this has become
like a it's almost a meme now you know
people like oh dj and me i've never let
my wife go out and talk like that
everyone has this bravado right everyone
has this bravado my wife would never
talk about me i'd do my thing you know
what i mean it's fake yeah but but but
you had to have known especially coming
from hip-hop you had to have known that
people would respond in that way i would
love to know why you decided that the
public ridicule
was not enough of a factor to consider
you know versus you sharing a truth that
many couples would love to deny publicly
for myself it was like this i mean and
i'm sure you've been through it i mean
we've been canceled before we've been
laughed at a joke so nothing bothers me
the only thing that bothers me is my
family and my kids outside of that i
feel like we have a bigger mission and
the conversations that we started with
that
are through the roof if i showed you my
dms and my wife's dms of how many wives
hit me or hit my wife and says i'm going
through that same problem thank you now
i can have the conversation with my
husband now i can have the conversation
with my boyfriend because i wasn't
getting to that level he didn't know how
to please me and now it's a conversation
and that's all we want now that was when
we were 16 and 15 and we figured it out
yeah we figured out how to be intimate
what makes a this what makes me that and
our relationship is on a whole nother
level so nobody can really bother me or
make me feel any way i have my wife and
my kids
nobody else
is fans
but i make her orgasm now i just want to
put that out there i make her orgasm now
multiple times
let me let me ask you this before before
i let you go because i i could chat to
you forever about this honestly um
before you go i would love to know two
things um one
you had to start a new relationship you
know which which is something you get
into in the book is there was the old
relationship and there's definitely a
new relationship
people are in relationships all over the
world
we always find ourselves in
relationships that may be bad and then
now the internet says everything's toxic
but you may not know when it's toxic or
when it's bad when it can be repaired or
when it cannot be repaired gear from
your side as a woman what advice would
you give to women to try and decipher
between working on a thing that can be
worked on versus staying in something
that they shouldn't be
well first you have to figure out how
you actually feel about the other person
for me when i found out i didn't it
didn't matter how i felt i told him from
day one that if he ever cheated on me
that i was out and i meant it so i was
out and
a lot of work had to be done
to get me back in god was a huge part of
it you'd have to read that in the book
but
reparations had to be made wow there's a
part of the book called the new deal so
when people ask me how with the
exception of god the new deal explains
exactly what steps rashawn needed to
take
to deserve my forgiveness to deserve my
understanding and to and to deserve my
grace
and he worked relentlessly to achieve
all of those things and the key for me
was until
he was willing to do that work until i
was whole again until we were whole
again until he was able to fill in the
holes that
he had put throughout our entire
relationship there was no expiration
date because a lot of men will say
listen i've been apologizing for two
months i've been trying to make it up to
you what do you want from me blood like
what what else can i do
that
that approach is damaging because you're
the offender i'm the offendee now i have
to expedite my healing and make you feel
good again
no
that's not my job you broke it now you
have to fix it and i wasn't willing to
teach him how to do that he had to
figure that out on his own so all of his
efforts the time invested the lengths to
which he went to proved to me that he
was worthy of the things that he needed
to become whole so that we could become
whole again and it worked and once i
decided to forgive i didn't look back
before you move on from that though i
there's something you said in the book
which is i feel like a slight semantic
but but a powerful one because you know
now you said he had to fix it but what
you said in the book is really
interesting in that he wasn't supposed
to fix you
he had to fix him yeah correct and then
you began your journey of fixing you as
well and i feel like there's a there's a
difference there in healing is it you
know especially in the book when you
talk about that there's a difference
between you saying you have to fix me
yes versus you have to fix you and then
i am going to fix me as well so in that
fixing before i let you go you become
new people you become more honest which
is scary because the part to honesty is
almost the end of the relationship
because you have to start a new one so
in that fixing
what did you have to fix and then what
are the new things you discovered about
each other where you went oh in this new
relationship i actually love this person
more
um i think honesty whole honesty i had
to learn the definition of love right we
all say i love you you say i love my
spouse i love this person but do we
truly know the definition of love or do
we just say it and if i love somebody i
don't want to lie to them i don't want
to hurt them i still get butterflies
when i see them i'll never cheat on them
and i had to understand what love meant
sometimes we could say oh we love them
but we still do this right and that's
not what i wanted i wanted i wanted my
best friend and if that's my best friend
she's going to be honest with me and i
have to be honest with her if there's
something that that bothers me about her
or something that bothers her we have to
be honest and now we're at a point in
our relationship we're completely honest
and even though i put a lot of do a
whole bunch of bullish
you can say
it's
on the other side it's a thousand times
better we are better friends we are
better parents we are better lovers we
have a better relationship we're just
better as people and that's due to all
the
i put it through man it's an amazing
book because it's so honest it's messy
it's imperfect and i think that's what
every relationship is thank you so much
for joining me on the show
really appreciate it
all right people
gear and md's book real life real love
is available now and be sure to check
out their podcast the casey foods
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