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[ Cheers and applause ] -Let's get to the news.
President Biden met today
with members of his administration
to discuss lowering consumer prices
and also making sure both teams get the ball in overtime.
A federal judge in Texas ruled on Friday
that President Biden could not require federal workers
to receive the coronavirus vaccine.
Wow, nobody's letting Biden get anything done.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if
Wordle was only giving him two rows.
[ Laughter ]
After the voting rights bills failed to pass last week,
White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki
advised people who are upset to go to a kickboxing class
or have a margarita, because what better way to save
democracy than with fun ideas for first dates?
They're stripping away our rights one by one.
Let's paint mugs. [ Light laughter ]
According to a new report, Britain's Prince Andrew
had a collection of more than 70 teddy bears and staff members
were ordered to arrange them, according to a diagram.
And then they could get to work on his enormous collection
of giant red flags.
The NFL reportedly notified unvaccinated players last week
that they will no longer be required
to be tested daily for the coronavirus,
in fact, some of them don't even have to come to work.
A television reporter in West Virginia
who was hit by a car during a live broadcast last week
got up uninjured and said quote, "That's live TV for you."
Okay, as someone who's done a lot of live TV, no, it's not!
[ Laughter ]
Ashlee Simpson lip syncing, that's live TV for you.
You got hit by a car!
"Oh my God, should we exchange info?"
"No, no, it's fine. This is live TV."
Rapper Jay-Z has reportedly signed onto a letter
urging New York Governor Kathy Hochul and state lawmakers
to ban prosecutors from using rap lyrics
as evidence against defendants in court.
Not because it's unfair just because it's so cringe-y
to hear lawyers recite them. [ Laughter ]
Singer Adele last week postponed her Las Vegas
residency less than 24 hours before the first show.
Fortunately, Adele fans are well equipped
to deal with sudden heartbreak.
And finally, according to the latest numbers,
New Yorkers place more than 600 million dollars
in bets during the first week of mobile sports gambling,
all against the Knicks.
President Biden was caught on a hot microphone yesterday,
referring to Fox News reporter Peter Doocy as,
"a stupid son of a bitch."
Said Biden, "I am so sorry that was supposed to be
into the main mic."
[ Laughter ]
After he was caught referring to Fox News reporter Peter Doocy
as, "a stupid son of a bitch."
President Biden reportedly called Doocy to clear the air.
And just like Biden being elected,
Doocy is going to pretend it never happened.
And to me, the crazy part of all this isn't that Biden got mad.
The Doocy tried to make him look bad.
It's that Biden was so surprised
that Doocy tried to make him look bad.
Where are you, Ben, dude? That's the game.
Biden was like that kid in fourth grade
who wanted to play dodgeball and then got super mad
that someone whipped a ball at him.
[ Laughter ]
As tensions increase between the U.S. and Russia,
White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki
warned yesterday that American citizens in Ukraine
should leave the country now,
but added that no organized evacuation is planned.
Why is that? Because of the last one you organized?
[ Audience "Ohs" ]
"We'd love to help out." "We're good."
"Just going to go on Expedia, thank you."
Yesterday marked the start of tax season
for those who celebrate.
NASA announced yesterday that the world's largest
and most powerful space telescope
has reached its observation post
and is now one million miles away from Earth -- Must be nice.
[ Laughter ]
Hilton announced yesterday
that its Homewood Suites chain of hotels
is now 100 percent pet friendly, while days in announcing
they have enough animals to worry about.
It's nice to see two raccoons and a snake getting along.
Chris-- it's an uneasy peace.
Krispy Kreme will offer a dozen free donuts
to anyone who donates blood amid a national shortage.
Tough break for anyone who drank it already.
Guys are out a dozen donuts.
Finally, a couple in India recently announced
that they will have their wedding in the metaverse
and have invited two thousand people.
It's the perfect way to say
"We don't want our grandparents to come."
"It's in the what?"
Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer
is reportedly planning to retire at the end of the current term,
which would allow President Biden to appoint a successor.
Said Mitch McConnell, with only three years left in his term,
"I don't think so."
President Biden visited an ice cream store
yesterday in Washington, D.C.
and reportedly got a scoop of chocolate
with peanut butter flecks
and a scoop of black out chocolate cake.
So, yeah, he's seen the approval numbers.
[ As Biden ] I'm going to need a second scoop.
[ Normal voice ] President Biden met today with the CEOs of Ford,
General Motors, and several other companies
to discuss his "Build Back Better" agenda.
But of course, it quickly devolved into Biden
pitching car names.
[ As Biden ] So what about the Ford Shark?
That's a pretty good name the Ford Shark.
[ Normal voice ] President Biden told reporters yesterday
that a potential Russian invasion of Ukraine
would likely be the quote largest invasion
since World War Two.
So I guess he's never been to a target on Black Friday.
[ Laughter ]
In a video posted on social media today,
former President Trump told a golfing partner
that he would be the 45th
and 47th president of the United States.
Then again, it wouldn't be the first time
he lied to a golf partner.
[ As Trump ] Put me down for four.
Yeah, it's a four. It's a four.
[ Normal voice ] After Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders
suggested that he would support a primary challenger
against Democratic Senator Joe Manchin,
Manchin said yesterday, "Senator Sanders is not a Democrat."
Said Sanders, "Thank you."
Organizers of next month's Winter Olympics in Beijing
announced they will provide free condoms to athletes,
and I'm pretty excited to find out what that event is.
[ Laughter ]
It seems weird it's in the winter.
Amazon endorsed the bill in Congress yesterday
that would legalize marijuana on a federal level.
Oh, really? Does Amazon support something
that would make it even harder for people to go out to a store?
[ Laughter ]
"Alexa order Doritos. Yes, make weekly."
[ Light laughter ]
And finally, musician Kid Rock released a song
this week that criticizes coronavirus restrictions.
Oh, buddy, that's not why people
are staying six feet away from you.
President Biden said today
that he is planning to name his nominee
to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer
by the end of next month and then a day or two
after that, he'll nickname the nominee.
[ As Biden ] Hey, Super Judge! Judge-a-reno! I'll get one, don't worry.
After White House press secretary Jen Psaki
said yesterday that President Biden will stand by his
commitment to appoint a black woman to the Supreme Court.
A Fox News panel criticized
the administration's selection process.
I'll take a wild guess
and say they have exactly two problems with a black woman.
The pharmaceutical company Moderna announced yesterday
that it has begun testing its Omicron-specific
coronavirus vaccine feels like that might be outdated
by the time it's ready. That's like hearing that
Apple's working on an iPhone 7.
According to the latest numbers,
the U.S. economy last quarter grew by 6.9%.
"My pleasure," said Spider-Man.
[ Laughter ]
According to a new report,
a witness told federal prosecutors
that he was present when Republican Congressman
Matt Gaetz was told that he had sex with a minor,
and he said you could have heard a pin drop
at that homecoming dance.
And almost in here.
In honor of the park's 30th anniversary
and Women's History Month in March,
Disneyland Paris announced yesterday
that Minnie Mouse will wear a dark blue
and black polka dotted pantsuit designed by Stella McCartney.
Unfortunately, that still won't make up for the fact
that you brought your wife to Paris
and then took her to Disneyland.
Hey, you see the pantsuit.
A representative of the anti-drug group
D.A.R.E. criticize the HBO show "Euphoria," in a new interview,
and said it glorifies narcotics use among high school students.
But realistically, how many teens can afford
HBO and narcotics?
[ Laughter ]
McDonald's is set to begin selling a new item
consisting of a chicken sandwich, Big Mac,
and Filet-O-Fish, all in one bun called
Land, Air, and Sea, as opposed to its original name
Bathroom Hospital Cemetery.
And a different way.
And finally, the Navy announced yesterday
that it has discharged 45 sailors
for refusing to get the coronavirus vaccine.
Wow, I didn't realize the virus
could be transmitted through seamen.
Discharged, discharged seamen.
[ Laughter ]
And that was the show for the whole night.