Let's talk about "The Descendants!"
Ever since this idea was green-lit,
Everyone has been sending me links, and updates
about what an AWFUL idea this is.
A Disney Channel movie about famous animated Disney villains...
...who have rowdy teenage kids that go to school!
Everyone's been going on and on about
just how stupid this is!
And..
..Yeah.
It's pretty bad.
Is it the worst of these Disney Channel movies I've seen?
No.
Are there definitely times where there's
a lot of effort put in?
Absolutely!
But-
*laughs*
laughing* It's still pretty bad!
I mean-
What can you even do?
It just comes from an awful idea!
In a far-away land, Belle and the Beast rule all the..
fairy-tale kingdoms I guess?
And they merge them all together,
but put all the Disney villians on this island
that's..actually a little bigger than the good kingdom..
(that's confusing..)
keeping them seperate.
But Belle and the Beast's son, who's gonna be king soon,
has a BRAVE new idea that the offspring
of these villians should be allowed to go to their school.
Treated like any other decent human being!
These kids include the son of Cruella Deville,
the son of Jafar,
the daughter of the Evil Queen,
and the daughter of Maleficient.
And if you're excited to see the live-action version
of your favorite Disney villians,
*laughing* you shouldn't be!
These are treated like the Adam West Batman villians
if the last shroud if dignity was waterboarded out of them!
They're BARELY even recognisable
outside of their clothes
In fact, if you had them in completely different clothes
you probably won't even be able
to tell which villians they were!
Man, just when I thought they couldn't do Maleficient
worse than Angelina Jolie, we get this interpretation!
The Mistress of All Evil,
one of the greatest Disney villians EVER
is now a snorting, high-pitched, screaming,
bad-joke cracking twit!
And the others are not much better.
But nevertheless, they see an opprotunity when their
kids are invited to go to school among the good people.
And they convince them
to steal the ultimate weapon of power:
the magic wand from the fairy godmother who runs the school.
But-
Wouldn't you know it?!
The longer they stay there, the more they realize
They might like being good!
Oh, so much conflict!
And maybe that's the biggest suprise about Descendants:
Is that there IS legit conflict.
The kids all do a good job portaying what they're
supposed to portray.
Honestly, every actor does!
I doubt they told Kathy Najimy to play the Evil Queen
as this dignified evil villian!
No, it's Kathy Najimy, you got her to be funny!
She, as well as all the other actors,
are giving exactly what's being asked for.
It just so happens what's being asked for
is incredibly stupid!
Half the time, they really try to make
the Disney characters look like the Disney characters.
You know that's Maleficient,
you know that's the Evil Queen,
they have the stained glass window from Beauty and the Beast,
Even the title "Descendants"
has the "Disney D" in it!
But it so obviously doesn't go with what they're trying to do here!
There are scenes of the kids trying sweets
for the first time because they've never had chocolate,
or good fruit, or anything like that!
They start getting teary-eyed when they hear how other
parents treat their kids and compare it to their parents!
There's a downright uncomfortable moment when
the mother of Sleeping Beauty TOTALLY disregards
the daughter of Maleficient because she couldn't see
her daughter for 16 years!
And it's treated with all seriousness!
I-
*sighs* Okay, so we're gonna take this really seriously?
Maybe you should cut scenes like this!
Evil Queen: "It will help you find things."
Daughter: "Like a prince!"
Evil Queen: "Like my waistline."
Maleficient: "Like the magic wand, Hello?!"
Evil Queen: "Hello."
These things clearly don't go together!
And I have no idea how this was supposed to work!
The only possible way I can see this maybe working is
if you never actually see the villians.
Like you see the kids, but the villians are always kept in shadow.
And they're legitimately intimidating,
and scary,
and like your imagination can fill in how threatening they are.
But no!
They have song and dance numbers
right off of a cheesy Broadway show!
This is so clearly not the Maleficient from the original
movie, but it's not this other Maleficient you're trying
to create either that's like really intimidating
and destroyed a lot of lives and everything either!
She's a joke!
She's a punchline!
But the movie doesn't always treat it that way!
The song and dance numbers are similar.
At first, they're actually kind-of impressive.
This is the guy who did the High School Musical films,
so, yeah. It's choreographed really nice,
The songs, at first, are kind-of catchy,
Heck, even the emotional ones are done relatively well!
Much better than Camp Rock or Cheetah Girls, I mean
I feel genuine emotion here!
But then-
you immediately take that point away when you hear
their R&B version of "Be Our Guest"
"Tie your napkin 'round your neck, cheire, And we'll provide the rest"
*laughing* Oh, my god,
Stop!
*crying/laughing* Stop, stop!
Like I said, it's kinda hard to blame the director, the actors,
'Cause it very much feels like they're just following orders
And they're doing it as best they can.
But the order is a tone confused mess!
And just-
-Not a good idea!
Like-
-at all!
They talk about prejudice, and the sins of the parents,
that shouldn't be passed down to the kids
and, yeah! That's something for older kids to get into.
It's very relavent.
But the idea is clearly meant for kindergardeners!
and half the time, that's how it's portratyed!
Except, when it's trying to be portrayed
as this really dramatic musical!
*sighs* yeah, so
It is really stupid, but I will give credit it's not..
..AS stupid as it could of been.
Well-
-okay, VERY LARGE chunks are.
But there's also a lot of really talented songwriters,
choreographers,
singers, dancers, actors...
It's the right people for the wrong project.
It's hard to know who the audience is supposed to be,
but seeing how they made a sequel, I guess it did find
an audience and..
and they like it.
Good for them.
Like I said, there's really nothing wrong in it.
It's just-
*laughing* -so stupid!
If this is the kind-of corny insanity that does it for you,
I'd by lying if I said I didn't almost understand.
It is fascinating in its choices!
But if you're looking for a movie where all this talent
comes together in a coherent story,
then ya ain't gonna live happily ever after here.