Tess Brigham: Hello, today I am teaching you the three step
process for how to deal with co workers who are trying to
undermine you. Welcome to my YouTube channel. My name is Tess
Brigham. I'm a licensed psychotherapist and board
certified coach. And I am here every single Thursday. So please
subscribe. I talk about mental health, I talk about career
love, relationships, all that good stuff. All right, so let's
get started. So, work is hard enough, right? Work is
challenging and stressful and difficult and all of those
things. But to add in the mix, a co worker who's trying to
undermine you, that is things start to get more and more
complicated. So first off, I just want to say, you know, this
is rough, this is tough, it's a difficult. So if you are going
through a situation like this, just first, remember, like, it
isn't easy, this isn't fun. And this won't be how it always is.
But unfortunately, these things do happen. And if you're
interested, I have another YouTube video on this channel
called toxic workplaces, workplace, co workers who are
stealing your ideas. So if this is an issue for you go check out
that video as well. Alright, so let's talk about what does it
mean to be a co worker who undermines you, so that is
someone who either bad mouth Sue, who's trying to ruin your
reputation or your work and help people see you. It's somebody
who is competing with you. workwise and it's, um, you know,
not collaborating, but competing as if they you know, as if the
two of you are in competition for something. It's someone who
withholds information from you critical information that you
need in order to do your job, where you know, and then you
find out after the fact that you've done all this work, and,
you know, you didn't have the right information, or it's
someone who is giving you false information, right, the wrong
dates, deadlines, that kind of thing. So if any of those things
are happening, this is someone who is clearly undermining you.
So how to deal with it. Step one is address the issue, address
it. And the simplest and easiest though I say simple and easy it
is the most straightforward thing to do is to go straight to
that particular co worker. Now, this is how you deal with this
and who the co worker is. And all of this kind of stuff is
really up to you, you have to really think about and if you
have someone at work that you trust, I would maybe chat with
them a little bit because you know, your work, you know, the
co worker, and you know the environment. So I just want to
first say that trust, you know, trust your own instincts and
trust what your friend at work is also saying about how to
approach this coworker. But essentially, what I would do is
I would approach the co worker to say, hey, do you have time to
talk, I would really come to them from a place of curiosity
don't go right into accuse, because they will put their
defenses up. And, you know, sometimes we misinterpret
things. And you really do want to come at it from a place of
curiosity, interest, trying to figure out, hey, Jan, I noticed
that you gave me this information. But then it turned
out to be this, can you tell me a little bit about what's what
happened there where you got that original information, be a
bit of an investigator, if you love true crime, be a bit of an
investigator and find out a bit about what is going on, and
really understand what's happening, the ideal situation
would be this person didn't realize their mistake, or, you
know, didn't realize what they were doing. And you can clear up
the whole matter without having a big issue. But the other part
of this is, is that you're also, if this person is truly trying
to undermine you, what you're showing them in that moment is,
I'm gonna call you out on this, I see what's happening, I'm
gonna call you out on it. And I'm gonna keep having these
conversations with you about it, I'm noticing, so it puts them on
notice of, you're not just going to kind of take it in and hold
it all in. And so I would leave the conversation when you leave
that conversation with a co worker, I would go back, sit
down, I would detail everything that you talked about time and
date that you talked to this person, what you said to them,
what you what the conversation was about and what their
explanation was to you have why this particular thing happened.
Hold on to that, and I'll explain why. So that might be
it. And that might be enough of that might take it and they
might just feel like well, not the person to pick on and run
away. Now, if you feel like I've gone to this co worker many many
times or I've been through this or this coworker, I cannot have
a conversation with them. Then the next option is to address it
to your boss manager or to someone in HR, even if you think
that there's nothing they can really do. As long as you have a
record, which is why I want you to write things down, it's
important that there is a record of behavior. It's really hard
companies can't just, you know, fire someone from one incident,
you know, they really have to show a pattern of behavior with
someone. And one incident that can be explained away, even
though it seems very clear to you that this person was
undermining you, it's not going to get you very far. So go to
your boss or manager, go to HR, have your notes and show them
what's happening. And just at the very least, now it's being
talked out about it's in the open, so that you have some
record of that. Now, step two is, your next choice is stay or
quit. Right. And that one is, it's a tough one. And if you
decide to quit because of this or decide to start looking for
another job, I don't blame you. And I think that company culture
is huge. I find it you know, companies that really value
culture and value community and working together don't really
have a lot of these kinds of co workers in there. You know,
they're few and far between. And so, I would say that if you have
more than one of these kinds of coworkers, the company culture
might be something you want to look at. So it may be worthwhile
for you to start to think about, how do I get out of this
environment and find healthier work environment for me. So if
you say, I don't want to quit, I like it. It's just this one
person, then it's really about you figuring out how do you stay
knowing that you can't change this coworker? Knowing that
you're not going to change their behavior, you're not going to
change who they are? That How do I deal with this? And how do I
recognize how to deal with this other person. So I would say if
you decide to stay it, don't try to change them, change you and
how you react to them. Which means noting everything,
everything that has to do with this person, I would get it in
writing, I would send emails, any kind of something that you
have that if the two of you are going back and forth on dates
and things, I would get all of those in emails, and make sure
that you know, people are being CCD on them. Just make sure that
there's a paper trail, that that it's very, very clear. I think
that you continue if these little things happen, if you
hear a little rumors are spreading about you anything
that happens, I would go and keep addressing it with them.
Hey, I'm noticed I heard this Did you bring this up? Huh?
Well, someone so you know, someone so said that you brought
this up? So I'm just trying to figure out what's going on? Do
you have a particular issue with me? If so, let's talk about it.
A lot of times, you know, these workplace, they're these
workplace people that undermine you. They're bullies. And
bullies, sometimes just need to be addressed and called out. And
a lot of times, bullies when they know they can't get under
your skin, they move on. So don't let Don't let it show that
you're rattled by this, even if you do feel rattled, just keep a
paper trail, keep approaching. And the hope and desire is, is
that either they focus on something else or someone else,
or they maybe leave the job. And finally, step three is and I
know this might be hard, but practice empathy. This coworker
who was trying to undermine you compete with you bad mouth you
they are in pain? Do I excuse the behavior? Do I think it's
okay for them to treat you like this? No, I'm not excusing the
behavior. But what I'm saying is, is that if you can try to
see this person on this real human level, that bullies are in
pain, that bullies are unhappy, that they feel powerless in
their own world and in their own life. And the reason why this
person is competing with you is because you're doing something
really well and really special and really spectacular. And it's
hard for other people to sit on the sidelines and watch it. So
just practice empathy, be empathetic, be thoughtful and
caring, be you know, really recognize that they're in a
tremendous amount of pain and see the humaneness. And that
alone will really help you lower your anger and anxiety about
what's happening and recognize this isn't about me, it's about
them. Alright, so if you enjoyed this video, please give it a
thumbs up. If you think this video would help someone that
you know, please share it. And finally, subscribe to my channel
so that you get new videos every single week. All right, I'll see
you next time. Bye.