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♪ >> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
LET'S SAY HELLO TO OUR FRIEND MR. JON BATISTE.
HI, JON.
>> HELLO, WHAT'S THE WORD, STEPHEN?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
>> Stephen: THE WORD IS ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT, A LOT OF HISTORY HAS BEEN MADE.
COME ON, COME ON!
>> Stephen: I WANT TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT SLIGHTLY.
DID YOU EVER GET A CHANCE TO MEET ALEX TREBEK?
>> I DID NOT.
OF COURSE, I'VE WATCHED JEOPARDY I FEEL LIKE SIPS BEFORE I WAS
BORN.
>> Stephen: I JUST WANTED TO TAKE A QUICK SECOND TO TELL YOU
AND THE PEOPLE OUT THERE A VERY QUICK STORY ABOUT ALEX.
ON THE VERY LAST EPISODE OF THE COLBERT REPORT, MY CHARACTER
GETS ON A SLEIGH AND GOES OFF TO ABHAM LINCOLN AND SANTA INTO
ETERNITY BECAUSE EWE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS GUY.
WE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS SIX MONTHS BEFORE WE DID IT.
IT WAS TALKING TO JON STEWART AND I SAID I WANT IT TO BE
LINCOLN, SANTA AND ME AND THERE HAS TO BE A FOURTH PERSON, I'M
NOT SURE WHO I'D WANT TO SPEND ETERNITY WITH, AND HE GOES, ALEX
TREBEK.
I SAID, THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.
SO I CALLED UP ALEX AND SAY, WOULD YOU DO THIS AND HE SAID, I
WOULD BE HAPPY TO, BUT MAY I ASK, WHY ME?
I SAID, YOU'RE A CULTURAL FIGURE UP THERE WITH LINCOLN AND SANTA
AND LOOKS LIKE YOU WOULD BE A NICE GUY TO SPEND ETERN WITH,
AND HE SAID, THEN I WOULD BE SO HAPPY TO.
I WANT TO SAY TO EVERYONE SPENDING ETERNITY WITH ALEX
TREBEK, CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE A KIND MAN JOINING YOU NOW.
>> Jon: AMEN, AMEN.
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.
OF COURSE, AS MUCH AS WE'RE ALL CELEBRATING THIS UNDOUBTEDLY
GOOD NEWS, THERE'S STILL THAT NAGGING HORROR MOVIE FEELING
THAT I'VE FORGOTTEN SOMETHING, AND CORONAVIRUS IS ABOUT TO JUMP
OUT OF THE CLOSET WITH A CHAINSAW.
THIS WEEKEND, THE UNITED STATES PASSED 10 MILLION CORONAVIRUS
CASES.
AND "THE U.S. HAS THE MOST REPORTED COVID-19 CASES OF ANY
COUNTRY IN THE WORLD."
AAAHHH!
, AAAHHH!
, BUT, FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE
THIS ADMINISTRATION SURRENDERED TO THE VIRUS, THERE IS HOPE THAT
THINGS WILL GET BETTER.
>> ON MONDAY, I WILL NAME A GROUP OF LEADING SCIENTISTS
AND EXPERTS AS TRANSITION ADVISORS TO HELP TAKE THE
BIDEN-HARRIS COVID PLAN AND CONVERT IT INTO AN ACTION
BLUEPRINT THAT WILL START ON JANUARY 20, 2021.
THAT PLAN WILL BE BUILT ON BEDROCK SCIENCE.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S GREAT!
AND, IF WE ACCEPT ALL THE BEDROCK SCIENCE, WE CAN ALSO GET
OUR CARS OFF FOSSIL FUELS!
AND BIDEN MADE GOOD ON HIS WACKY NEW "TRUST SCIENTISTS" PLAN
TODAY, WHEN HE UNVEILED HIS COVID-19 ADVISORY BOARD. A GROUP
OF PUBLIC HEALTH EXPERTS-- ALMOST ALL OF WHOM ARE DOCTORS.
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN TRUST THIS GROUP.
DOESN'T HAVE ONE PRESIDENTIAL SON-IN-LAW AND, FARCE I CAN
TELL, NONE OF THEM INVENTED A PILLOW.
THIS BOARD IS A WHO'S WHO OF WHO'S SMART.
YOU GOT VIVEYK MORTHEE, SURGEON GENERAL UNDER OBAMA, MARCELLA
NUNEZ-SMITH, FROM YALE, AND MOST DELICIOUS OF ALL RICK BRIGHT,
"THE TRUMP WHISTLEBLOWER," WHOSE "DIRE EARLY WARNINGS ABOUT
THE PANDEMIC WENT IGNORED," AND WHO WAS "ULTIMATELY FIRED AFTER
SPEAKING OUT."
RICK BRITE.
OOH, THAT'S GOTTA STING, MR. TRUMP!
NOT ONLY IS BIDEN TAKING YOUR JOB, HE'S ALSO DATING YOUR EX!
AND YOU KNOW THEY SPEND ALL THEIR TIME LAUGHING ABOUT HOW
TINY YOUR PLAN WAS.
BUT DON'T WORRY, AND THEN ALSO WORRY, BECAUSE THIS
ADMINISTRATION IS STILL IN OFFICE, AND THEY ARE HARD AT
WORK PRETENDING TO BE HARD AT WORK.
BECAUSE "TODAY, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN WEEKS, MIKE PENCE HOSTED
A WHITE HOUSE CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE MEETING."
AWWWWKKWWAARD (AS PENCE)
"FIRST ITEM ON THE AGENDA: IS ANYONE HERE HIRING?"
MEANWHILE, ACTUAL PEOPLE WHO KNOW STUFF ARE DOING... THINGS.
PFIZER, THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE VIAGRA, JUST ANNOUNCED THAT IN
TRIALS, ITS "VACCINE WAS MORE THAN 90% EFFECTIVE IN PREVENTING
THE DISEASE."
THE FASTEST SUCCESSFUL VACCINE TRIAL OF ALL TIME!
AFTER HEARING THAT, IF YOUR ERECTION LASTS LONGER THAN FOUR
HOURS, SAME.
AND PFIZER'S COVID TRIAL ISN'T THE ONLY GOOD NEWS.
TODAY "THE DOW SURGED MORE THAN 800 POINTS IN ITS BIGGEST RALLY
IN FIVE MONTHS ON THE PFIZER VACCINE NEWS" AND THE NEWS THAT
"JOE BIDEN WAS DECLARED VICTORIOUS."
(AS BIDEN) "HEY WALL STREET, HOW YA LIKE ME
DOW?" ( LAUGHTER )
AND, OF COURSE, THE PRESIDENT CHIMED IN "STOCK MARKET UP BIG,
VACCINE COMING SOON.
REPORT 90% EFFECTIVE.
SUCH GREAT NEWS!" WELL IF YOU THINK THAT'S GREAT
NEWS, WAIT 'TIL YOU HEAR WHO'S GONNA BE PRESIDENT IN JANUARY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DEMOCRATIC STAR, AND THE WOMAN
WHO FLIPPED GEORGIA, STACEY ABRAMS.
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