- I went to the pet store today.
It was fun pegging all the animals.
- Mom, what?
- Sorry.
I meant to say pegging all the animals.
- Huh?
- Pegging.
I'm trying to write pegging.
- Yeah, mom.
No, I hear you loud and clear.
- I meant to say that I went to the pet store
and I pegged all the animals.
Dance this auto correct.
(texts pinging) (upbeat music)
- Hey, are you free this Friday?
We could do dinner and drinks.
- (chuckling) Katrina helped me.
This super weird guy just asked me out.
How do I tell him that's the last thing I want to do
and that I would literally rather die?
- It's not Katrina.
You accidentally sent this to me.
It's Dave.
- Oh, I am so sorry.
That is so embarrassing.
- It's totally cool.
It's an accident.
- Katrina, I just made things really weird
between me and this super (beep) creepy dude.
What do I do?
- Still not Katrina.
- (beep). - (beep).
(texts pinging)
- Alert, bitch!
Our big (beep) 80% Off sale starts right now, girlie!
What are you waiting for?
Good to fashionnova.com or I'll hunt you down.
No!
I'll hunt you down, I said!
(texts pinging)
- Oh my God.
- Hi Dave.
It's me, Joe Biden.
All I'm asking for is a simple donation of $12.
- Don't you have $12?
You're the president.
I'm a waiter.
- Hey, Dave it's your old buddy, Joe Biden here.
All I need is $12.
Can you please help me?
- You're not listening to me are you?
Yeah, you're a robot.
- Dave, Joe. It's old Papa Joe.
I was vice president, now I'm president.
Start from the bottom now we're here, am I right?
- Yeah, no, that's definitely an automated response.
- Error 502.
This is the automated response.
- Yep.
- Press one to donate $12.
This is Joe Biden.
Have you seen my pants?
(texts pinging)
- The rash has spread.
- New phone. Who dis?
- Kendra, this is Lucas.
The rash you have given me has spread.
It is everywhere!
It is covering my back.
It is on my legs.
My body has been consumed by rash.
My body belongs to the rash now.
- Yeah, my name's not Kendra
and you definitely have the wrong number.
- Oh.
What do you know about getting rid of rashes?
I'm asking for a friend, Kendra.
- I'm not (beep) Kendra.
- I'm not (beep) Kendra either.
How do you think I got this rash?
(texts pinging)
- Maybe: Daeb.
Hey, it's Daeb.
- Who's Daeb?
- Maybe: Dave.
- Dave?
- Hey, it's Dave.
I meant to say Dave, sorry.
It's Dave.
- Oh...
No...
- How's it going?
(error ping)
- (beep).
(texts pinging)
- Happy Thanksgiving Turkey baddie.
Or should I say spanks-giving
you sexy little mother (beep) Pilgrim.
Turkey emoji.
- Ow.
- Corn emoji.
- Okay.
- Tongue emoji. - That was a full corn.
Ew!
- That turkey's not the only thing
that should be getting stuffed tonight.
- Oh my god. - Wink emoji.
- Okay.
- Turkey emoji, again.
- Glad you got the other beast.
- Peach emoji.
- That was a collarbone.
- Send this to your top 12 Turkey baddies
that you're most thankful for.
Or else you won't have sex for 12 years.
- Hey, you never called me back.
Can I call you right now?
- I currently have,
"Do not disturb while driving," turned on.
I'm not receiving notifications.
Reply, "Urgent" to send a notification anyway,
thus putting me in immediate danger.
- Wow.
Nevermind.
- I currently have,
"Do not disturb while driving," turned on .
Please do not text-
- Turkey emoji!
Happy Thanksgiving, girlfriend.
(text pings)
- Grandma is very sick.
LOL.
- No mom, LOL does not mean lots of love.
- And Grandpa's leaving her too.
Sending her LOL.
- Don't send her LOL.
- I wrote, I heard about your illness and the divorce, IDC.
- IDC means I don't care.
- No, it means I did cry!
- IDC, grandma, LOL.
(parents sobbing)
- [Mom] Oh God.
- Be the first to watch, it starts here: TikTok.
- Ha, she fell.
Be the first to watch, it starts here: TikTok.
- Oh my God, that's such a funny dance.
Be the first to watch, it starts here: TikTok.
- Wait, my mom just told me my parents are getting divorced.
- Be the first to watch, it starts here: TikTok.
Oh (beep) wait, what?
- Yeah.
- Be the first to watch, it starts here: TikTok.
This one's really good, I promise.
- Oh puppy.
- I can't wait to hang out tonight.
- Yeah, I'm so excited for our friends night.
(both laughing)
Um....
- Ha?
- Oh...
- Ha?
- Oh my God!
(error pings)
- (beep).
- Ooh, you are so sexy!
- You are sexy!
- Ooh, I wish we were at your place.
- Oh, yeah?
What would we even do at my place?
- This is Christine's father.
If you contact her again,
I'll kill you with my hands.
- Hey, Christine's father, it's Joe.
All I'm asking for is a ride to the bus station.
- Yeah, all right.
Where are you?
- I'm at my place.
Come through?
- Is that-
- Bring McDonald's, I'm hungry.
- Are we, is this like a thing?
Or is this...
- JFK once said we're going to the moon.
- What?
What the (beep) are you talking about?
(both laughing)
(high pitched beep)
- So how are you?
- I was good.
I was trying to look up petting videos.
I meant petting.
- Pegging. - Petting.
- I said pegging.
- I meant to write petting.
- Pegging.
I hate phones, (beep)
- I hate duck!
Duck!
I'm going to go watch Amish on YouTube.
Smosh auto corrects to Amish, yeah, that's just for us.
This is just for us.
(high pitched beep)
- Once again, I'm not Katrina.
(Courtney sneezes)
- (beep). - (beep).
- Sorry.
(high pitched beep)
- Give me $12.
- You're the president.
Why don't you do something?
- (beep) off.
- What was that?
- Automated response, (beep) off.
(beep) you.
(both laughing)
- Automated response.
- Hey, hey Dave.
Hey Dave, suck my balls.
(high pitched beep)
- Whoa.
- Did I get him?
- No.
(high pitched beep)
Yeah, you're a robot.
- I am a robot, I am robot.
Have you seen the movie, "I Am Robot"?
- I've seen the movie, "I Am Robot."
- With Will Smith, "I Am Robot."
- No wait, sorry, you're thinking of "I Robot."
You just combined "I Am Legend" and "I Robot."
- It's not the same movie?
- It's not the same movie, Joe.
- Oh, okay.
Well I need to buy,
"I Am Legend" and "I Am Robot"
on the Xbox marketplace so that
I could watch them and make sure they're not the same movie.
And each of them costs $6.
- They do not cost $6, 100%.
You can rent them.
- I rent HD So that's more than the standard definition,
which is $6.
Six times two is 12.
I need that $12, Dave.
- That's what you need $12 for
is so you can watch "I Am Legend" and "I Robot."
- The Americans must know what could be coming.
Whether "I Am Legend" or "I Robot."
If they are truly two different movies.
Suck my dick.
(high pitched beep)
- Get your foot off my counter, that's where I eat food!
Hey, why don't you answer my calls?
(Courtney laughs)
Can we just hang out?
- [Crew] Cut, good!
Move on.
(all laughing)