The world of marathon running.
Most people just run them so that they can brag
to their friends about running marathons.
Although that's not why I run them.
I, uh, I do it for the tiny cups of water.
Anyway, this weekend,
one man ran straight into the record books.
In Vienna, Austria, a marathon runner
from Kenya made history going the distance
in under two hours for the first time.
TV REPORTER: One hour, 59 minutes and 40 seconds,
but it won't be counted as a new world record
because it wasn't an official race.
All of it stage-managed in forensic detail,
a specially-chosen flat six mile circuit in Vienna.
Kipchoge wore the much-debated white Nike Vaporflys,
and there was an army of three dozen pacers,
some of the world's best marathoners,
who took turns pounding the grueling
four minute and 34 second mile pace in formation.
Wow, that is amazing.
Eliud Kipchoge ran a marathon in less than two hours,
which was thought to be physically impossible.
And you know this guy's a freak athlete because, I mean, like,
he kept running after he crossed the finish line.
That was insane.
Like, usually when someone finishes a marathon,
they're like, (panting): "I did it.
My nipples fell off but I did it."
And this guy's just like, "That was a good warm-up.
"Now for the race. Eh, what are we doing, eh?
Are we ready?"
I love how some people are now saying
that the only reason he broke this record
is because he had on special Nike running shoes.
Yeah, you know what? Why don't you go get those shoes
and you tell me how fast your time is.
Go. We'll wait. Go get those shoes.
(cheering and applause)
Come on, you can't give the shoes credit.
You can't give the shoes the credit.
If anything, him being Kenyan is the cheating part.
That's being unfair. Yeah.
He wasn't like, "Oh, my God, I'm wearing these Nikes."
It's more like the Nikes were like, "Oh, my God.
"We're wearing a Kenyan. We're gonna win!
We're gonna win!"
Moving on.
Having a baby changes your life.
You have to take care of it for 18 years
or until Maury tells you you're not the father.
And apparently, with great responsibility
comes great amounts of paperwork.
-TV REPORTER: Bringing home baby -(baby crying)
can be overwhelming, but now, expectant couples
are creating baby pre-nups,
or contracts, to help ease the stress.
WOMAN: A baby pre-nup is an agreement made
between both parents where they know
what their roles will look like,
what their duties may be like
once the baby arrives, so that there's no surprises.
We signed the document with witnesses.
Some things that we included were things like
grandchild and grandparent access
as well as financial implications.
Yes, the newest fad in white people childrearing
is baby pre-nups.
And look, I'm just gonna put it out there.
If you need your partner to sign a pre-nup
that they're gonna help you raise a kid,
maybe you don't want to raise a kid with that person.
Uh, 'cause how are you even gonna enforce that?
Right? Are you just gonna come home like,
"Hey, did you feed the kid?"
"No." "Then I'll see you in court."
I think it's becoming too stressful
to become friends with couples who have babies these days.
First it was baby showers,
then it became gender reveal parties,
now I've got to be a witness to your pre-nup signing?
Like, if I wanted to be this big part of your baby life,
then I should have a say in whether or not you have one.
Like, the couple should have to phone friends and be like,
"Hey, Trevor, we're thinking of having a baby."
I'd be like, "Actually, guys, I'm trying to focus
"on my career right now.
"I can't be friends with, like, a couple who has a baby.
I'm sorry."
Baby pre-nup.
You know who should sign baby pre-nups? Babies.
Yeah. They're the ones who should make guarantees.
Before they come out, they need to put it in writing
what they're gonna do or not do.
You'll only cry between 4:00
and 5:00 a.m., not the whole night.
You know, you're only gonna shit yourself
this many times in a day.
Yeah, it would be great if they sign a contract.
Then when the baby's, like, losing their mind
at, like, 2:00 a.m., you can just show them the contract.
They'd be like... (imitating crying)
And you're like, "Ah, ah, ah."
The baby's like, "Aah, I'll see you in a few hours.
Aah."
Oh, and speaking of babies,
uh, let's talk about how they're made.
NEWSWOMAN: Well, guess who's having
a field day in the sheets.
A new study shows farmers
have the most sex out of any other profession,
on average having sex at least once a day.
67% of them rate their performance as incredible.
Sex experts say it's because farmers
are likely to be more fit than deskbound city dwellers
and have more stamina.
Farmers were closely followed by architects
and hairdressers for having the most sex.
At the bottom of the list, journalists.
(laughter and applause)
Yeah, that's right.
Apparently, of all the professions,
farmers have the most sex,
and journalists have the least.
Which doesn't shock me, all right?
In this era, journalists don't have time to be having sex
because Trump is always breaking news.
I bet every time journalists try and set the mood...
They'll be at home, like, lighting candles.
They'll be like, "Baby, it's time."
(vocalizing)
"I've been really trying to build this wall."
"Goddamn it, he did it again!"
And as for the farmers,
like, of course they have a lot of sex.
Farming is a sexy profession. Think about it.
All day, what do they do? Plowing, huh?
Planting seeds.
Growing eggplants.
Watering vagina trees. Yeah.
Although, although, I will say,
they didn't say farmers are having sex with people.
Yeah. They just said they have the most sex.
All I'm saying is scarecrows don't need to have mouths.
That's all I'm saying.