- [Announcer] All right.
This next performer coming to the stage
performs all over New York City.
Very funny man.
Clap, everybody, for Ethan Simmons-Patterson!
(audience applauds)
- Woo. How we doin'?
We good?
(audience claps)
Yeah.
We're doin' it, we're doin' it.
What's going on?
Yeah!
Oh, we're all gonna die.
This is crazy.
You guys are fucking nasty.
This is a nasty group of people right here.
I fucking like it filthy.
I don't know.
I was on a train, like, the other day
and I saw a man poop.
He pooped on the train
and then he started doin' pushups over his poop.
And then he winked at me.
And for some reason I was like,
"We gonna to be fine, man.
We gonna to be all right."
This dude, he did that for me.
He was like, look, "We gonna to be straight."
Like, it was crazy.
I was like, "Should I do it back?"
I don't know. It was really weird.
It was really weird. I don't know.
Nobody really knows, like, what to look out for.
Nobody knows the symptoms.
Like, my mom was, like, trying to tell me how to prevent it.
She was like, yeah, you gotta wash your hands.
And then she was like,
"You know, like affects older people too,
so you should really give your grandma a call."
And I was like, "Did you create this disease?"
You know what I mean?
And I was like,
"Is this a mom disease, and shit?
Sounds weird as hell."
She's like also, you know,
"You should not put you on the toilet seat,
that's another way not to get it."
This is not how it happens.
(audience laughs)
My dad was being weird about it.
He was also giving me tips.
He was like, yeah, wash your hands.
Stay away from people.
Also, white people smell like wet dog.
I was like, that's a random, that's a random fact.
That's not, that don't have nothing to do with this.
He was like, "This is the end times,
you just need to know everything.
You know?"
(audience laughs)
It was really weird. I dunno.
I dunno. I dunno.
It's been funny though.
'Cause like basketball and foot...
And like every sport has been canceled.
So men have to just live with themselves.
Like, I called my friend up.
I was like, "What you been up to, man?"
He's like, "I'm just working on me, man."
You know?
(audience laughs)
And I was like, "Whoa, that's great, man."
He's like, "I realized I got a lot of daddy issues.
A lot of jealousy in my life."
Pause for another second.
"I just want to tell you, I love you, man.
I don't say it enough."
And I was like, man, this is a great virus.
This is a good virus.
We all need this.
I was like, "I think I might be gay."
And he was like, "Okay, all right, let's do it, man."
Everything's happening for a reason.
I dunno, my mom is like, she's become more political too.
Like, my mom's become a little bit more political.
She's, like, she's gotten into women's rights,
which I know sounds weird,
but women's rights has never really been her thing.
So she's trying to be more active with it.
She, like, now that she's into women's rights,
we talk about it all the time.
I called her the other day.
I was like, "Hey, what's going on, mom?"
She answered the phone.
Like, I wish these old white motherfuckers
would tell me I couldn't snatch a baby out my own pussy.
(audience laughs)
"Whoa, whoa.
This how we answer the phone now, mama?
This what we doin'?
You into women's rights
and you answering the phone like this now?"
I was like, "What the fuck is going on?"
Also, this is not what's happening.
You know what I mean?
Like she thinks it's like,
old white dudes in DC telling her, like,
"Hey, Sherry, you can't have an abortion."
And her response is, "You don't know me.
I kill this little motherfucker."
You know what I'm saying?
(audience laughs)
Just super aggressive.
I don't know. It's weird.
I was thinking about it though.
Like, yeah, healthcare is fucked up.
We can tell now healthcare is really fucked up.
Especially like women's health care.
But one thing I've always been jealous of women's healthcare
is y'all get a vagina doctor.
Y'all got a gynecology.
You understand that?
Like we don't have that.
There's no dude, like,
the same dude that goes in for men that
checks our eyes and our ears and our mouth,
he's about to walk out at the end of the checkup.
And then we gotta be like, "Hey, doc, you know?"
Like we got to get weird at the end of our, like.
It turns into a fucking train on the subway.
We just like, "But look at my dick though."
It's like, you see the doctor and he's just like,
"Nah, I didn't go to school for this shit, man."
Like, "Just take a peek. Just look, man."
You know?
He's making up shit.
Grabs your balls.
He's like, "Cough."
And you're like. (fake cough)
He's like, "Now blink real fast."
I don't know, man.
I don't want to do this shit.
I don't know. It's weird.
We don't have a dick doctor.
There's no dick doctors. It's crazy.
There's a doctor for everything. No dick doc.
There's a doctor for feet.
There's a foot doctor out there.
There's a dude out there.
There's like, yeah, put your foot up right there.
Put your foot up right there.
I was like, you wanna put on any gloves on, doc?
No, no, no.
Put that foot right there, okay baby?
(audience laughs)
I was like, "No, man."
I don't know if I do want a dick doctor though.
That's like, a specific type of person.
You know what I mean?
It's definitely not a woman.
It's a man who's all about getting other dudes dicks hard.
You know what I mean?
Like, he was just like,
"Yeah, I became a doctor,
so all my bros can fuck."
And you're just like, no I don't...
Why are you drinking Gatorade, dude?
I don't need this."
This is too much.
I was talking about my friends.
They're all trying to be better people now
because of the virus.
They were trying to be better people beforehand too.
Like they were also trying to get into like more stuff.
Like I'm trying to be a better guy as well.
Like I feel guilty sometimes as a man, you know,
like I was dating a woman when Kavanaugh got elected
and it was really, I felt really bad.
I was like, fuck, it's fucked up for women out there.
You know, I need to be a good guy.
And I was like,
"I'm going to eat her pussy
better than she's ever had her pussy eaten, tonight."
You know, I was like, "She deserves that.
She deserves to come, tonight.
She deserves it."
So, I get down there eating her pussy
and then it like hits me.
It's like, I was like,
"Why did you make this vow to yourself?
You never been good at eating pussy.
Why did you do this?
You know?
And then, then I started thinking about it even deeper.
I was like, "Even if you do eat her pussy
better than she's ever had her pussy eaten,
it doesn't change the world she lives in as a woman.
Ya know?"
(audience laughs)
The way that it hit me while I was between her legs
and I started to cry.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, I started to cry down there
and then she looked down
and she was like, "Oh my God, are you crying right now?"
And I was like,
"Yeah, you know, you got it real tough out there,
it's hard out there for women."
And then she came harder
than she's ever come in her entire life.
You understand? That's what they want, man.
They just want you to cry in their pussies.
They just want to look down and be like, that's right.
You can't handle my world, you little bitch.
You know?
(audience laughs)
That's, that's how you become an ally.
I don't know. It's strange.
I do.
I put a lot of pressure on myself to be a good person.
I don't know.
My friends, I'm also at the age too,
where all my friends are like, they're like, well,
most people are like,
"Oh, I'm at the age where my friends are getting married
and they're becoming like parents and stuff like that."
I'm at the age where all my friends are accepting
the kids that they had in high school are theirs.
You know what I mean?
Like it's kind of hard to deny a six-year-old
that looks exactly like you.
It's just like, "All right, his face turned out like mine.
You're right, he's mine, I'll be a dad.
I'll be a dad, okay, okay."
You know?
So I'm at that age.
I can see all my friends become parents
for the first time, which is cool.
Like my friend,
he like has a little six-year-old boy.
And his son, he caught his son dressing up
in his baby mama's like dress and heels and shit.
And I was like, "That's fine, yeah, that's laughable.
It's like, yeah, that's fine.
What's wrong with that?"
He's like, "I didn't like it."
And I was like, "Why, why didn't you like it?
There's nothing wrong with it."
And then he was like, "Just didn't feel right."
I was like, "Why not?"
He was like, "He just didn't look fierce."
And I was like, "What?"
I was like, I wasn't expecting that at all.
You know what I mean?
He was like, "He could be gay, he could be straight,
he could be trans and be whatever he wants,
but he has to hit his fucking marks, you know?"
And I was just like, this,
"That's a lot of pressure to put on a child, man."
That's crazy. You know.
Just grows up, it's like,
"Hey man, when did you know you were trans?"
He's like, "Actually I'm not trans.
I just don't want to disappoint my dad."
You know?
(audience laughs)
That's a lot, dude, I don't know.
It's crazy.
Everybody is trying to be good.
I love people that are trying to be better.
It's weird to see my neighborhood try to be better, people,
because I'm from like a rougher neighborhood.
And like, it's just strange.
Like, I saw a crackhead recycle.
You know how crazy that is?
Like, his glass pipe broke, right?
And he's about to throw it in the trash.
And he was like, "No, no, no, this is glass.
And then he put it in the glass container.
I was like, "That's insane."
You know, he just looked at me.
He was like,
"Can't smoke crack in a world that doesn't exist."
And he's just like...
(audience laughs)
You gotta love that logic, man.
You're a brilliant dude.
You're a good dude, I don't know.
Neighborhood's changing for the better.
Like I had a friend growing up,
his name was Shake, short for shakedown,
he used to rob people.
All right.
We used to rob people when we were younger
and now he's going to therapy.
My guys in therapy, trying to be a better dude.
And like I called my friends back home.
I was like, "Is Shake still robbing people?"
And they're like, "Oh yeah, absolutely,
still robbing people."
He was like, "But now he knows why."
And you're just like, "Oh, that's beautiful."
You know what I mean?
(audience laughs)
Found purpose in his crimes.
It's great. I don't know.
This is really good.
It's good. I dunno.
And like we used to hear like gunfights growing up
and when you hear gunfights,
you already know what they're about.
Like, it's usually about money, or drugs,
or like some gang shit.
But, like, I went back home recently.
I heard gunfire, I heard, pow, pow,
"Nigga, you said you loved me."
And I was like, "Whoa, what is happening out there?
I never heard this before. You know?"
And then I listened some more.
I heard return gunfire, pow, pow.
"Sometimes people just grow apart."
And I was like, "Whoa, whoa!
They're really working shit out, out there, man.
This is a good productive gunfight."
You know?
I wanted to go out there with my gun,
be like, "I got daddy issues.
What's up? Pow, pow.
What we doin'? What we doin'?"
It was great. It was a good time.
I don't know. It is fun.
It's fun to see everybody.
I don't think everybody should be woke though.
Does that make sense? You know what I mean?
I don't think everybody should be woke.
I think you should try to be your best self,
but you don't have to be woke.
You understand?
Like, have you guys seen these woke cops?
Have you heard of woke cops?
There's cops.
That will be like,
"Oh, I'll go play basketball with a black kid.
I don't care. You know what I mean?
I won't even call no fouls.
They deserve it. You know?
Like they're trying to like over-correct for the bad cops
that there are out there.
I don't like woke cops.
I hate woke cops a lot.
Like I was crossing the park in the summer
and I, like, ran into this cop
and he pulled his gun out on me
and he was like, "Hey."
He's like, "Where are you going?
I was like, "I know it's late.
My friend Emily is across the park.
She's waiting for me.
And she knows I'm coming.
I'm not trying to do anything bad."
And then he was like, "Your friend, Emily?
She just a friend?"
And I was like, "Yeah, she's just a friend.
I like her a little bit more than that.
But like, I don't want to ruin a relationship."
He's holding the gun and he's like,
"Yeah, I know how that is."
You know?
(audience laughs)
He's like, "You ever think about, I dunno, making a move."
And I was like, "I thought about it, but you know..."
(audience laughs)
I just get to a point like,
"Wait, what?
You can't like, just shoot me, man.
I'm not trying to do this with you right now."
It's crazy. Puts the gun in the holster.
He's like, "We go over there,
we talk to her together. You know?"
I was just like, "No, no, man."
I don't want cops that care.
Like, who does?
That's a lot of pressure?
Somebody's like, "Hey, I'm gonna call the police on you."
It's like, "Please don't call the police on me, man."
Please, I'm not trying to see officer O'Malley
come down here and be disappointed in me again.
You know like that's a lot of pressure.
I don't know. It's crazy.
I think I got the light. I got the light.
Yeah.
I'm gonna get out of here on this.
It has nothing to do with anything I've said,
but hopefully it warms your heart.
'Cause I mean,
this is a fun time to talk to homeless people, man.
It's a very fun time to talk to homeless people.
They don't give a fuck.
And they kind of make you be like,
"Yeah, yeah, we live a life.
We doin' it dog. Cough in your hand and slap my hand."
Like it's crazy.
We high-fived.
You don't know where I've been,
but it was fun, right?
You enjoyed it. I dunno.
Like, I met this homeless dude.
He walked up to me, he was like,
"Hey, brother, you got any sandwiches?"
And I did the tap.
I was like, "Nah, dog, I'm all out of sandwiches."
(audience laughs)
And then he did the coolest shit I've ever seen anybody do.
He just slid back.
And he was like, "That's cool, man, I got my own sandwich."
And I was like, this is great.
You guys have been fun. My name's Ethan.
(upbeat music)