WELL, FOLKS, NEXT WEEK IS VALENTINE'S DAY, AND IT'S A TIME
TO SHOW YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER JUST HOW MUCH
YOU CARE, WITH CANDY OR FLOWERS, OR, IN DONALD TRUMP'S CASE, A
ROMANTIC GOLF TRIP ALONE.
IT'S NAMED AFTER ST. VALENTINE, WHO WAS MARTYRED IN THE THIRD
CENTURY, AFTER HE PASSED OUT CARDS TO EVERYONE IN THE ROMAN
SENATE EXCEPT THE EMPEROR.
BAD MOVE, VAL.
EVER SINCE THEN, YOU HAVE TO HAVE A CARD ON VALENTINE'S DAY.
BUT EVEN THE BEST VALENTINES HAD TO START SOMEWHERE, AND THE
PEOPLE WHO WRITE THEM DON'T ALWAYS NAIL IT ON THE FIRST
TRY, WHICH IS WHY, TONIGHT, WE'RE TAKING A LOOK AT SOME
EARLY EFFORTS, IN OUR SEGMENT: "FIRST DRAFTS!"
♪ ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NOW, AS ALWAYS
WITH "FIRST DRAFTS," I HAVE AN AUDIENCE MEMBER HELP ME WITH IT.
LET'S SEE IF WE CAN FIND SOMEBODY WHO CELEBRATES VANL
TEENS.
WOULD YOU ACCEPT THIS ROSE?
THANK YOU.
COME WITH ME.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PLEASE.
PUT A MIC ON.
THERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU.
OH, YOU DID GREAT.
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
NOW, YOUNG LADY, MAY I ASK YOUR NAME?
>> MY NAME IS AMY.
>> Stephen: AMY, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR DOING THIS.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.
WOULD YOU CARE FOR A LITTLE CHAMPAGNE?
( CHEERING ) WONDERFUL.
>> DO WE TOAST?
>> Stephen: OH, TO LOVE.
TO LOVE.
>> Stephen: MMM, MMM.
AHHH!
HERE ARE SOME CHOCOLATES FOR YOU.
>> OH!
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> THIS IS MY BEST VALENTINE'S DAY EVER.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE ANY ALLERGIES OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: GOOD, BECAUSE WE'RE NOT INSURED FOR THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) WE ALSO HAVE A LITTLE JAR OF ANT
ACIDS FOR AFTERWARDS.
( LAUGHTER ) AMY, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN "FIRST
DRAFTS" BEFORE?
>> I HAVE.
>> Stephen: SO YOU KNOW HOW THIS WORKS?
>> GIVE ME A REFRESHER.
>> Stephen: HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS.
WE HAVE THESE CARDS HERE.
WE HAVE THE CARD THAT WAS RELEASED AND SOLD, AND WE ALSO
HAVE THE FIRST DRAFT OF THAT CARD, WHICH WE'LL READ AFTER WE
READ THE CARD THAT WAS SOLD.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW THIS WORKS?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
I WANT YOU TO HOLD THESE AND WHEN I CALL FOR THE NEXT CARD,
YOU HAND IT TO ME.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU NERVOUS?
I'M GOOD.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.
>> DON'T BE NERVOUS.
>> Stephen: I'M ALWAYS NERVOUS.
>> IT'S A GREAT SHOW.
>> Stephen: OH, YOU'RE SO NICE.
>> THE HOST IS SO NICE.
>> Stephen: THE WHAT IS?
THE HOST.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> HERE'S THE FIRST CARD.
>> Stephen:.
>> Stephen: THE FIRST CARD SAYS "LET'S LIVE IN THE MOMENT.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "PLEASE DON'T ASK ABOUT MY PAST
OR WHERE THIS IS GOING."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YOU LOOKED AHEAD OF TIME.
>> I DID.
>> Stephen: NO PEEKING.
YOU CAN'T PEEK AHEAD.
THIS ONE SAYS, "YOU COMPLETE ME," BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID,
THIS SAYS HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, YOU COMPLETE ME.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAYS, "I NEED ONE OF YOUR KIDNEYS."
( APPLAUSE ) >> A GOOD SENTIMENT.
>> Stephen: IT IS.
DO YOU HAVE MU PLANS FOR VALENTINE'S DAY?
>> I'LL PROBABLY GO OUT TO DINNER WITH MY HUSBAND.
NOT NECESSARILY ON VANL TEENS DAY BECAUSE WE HATE THE CROWD.
>> Stephen: SO YOU ARE MARRIED.
>> I AM MARRIED.
>> Stephen: BUT YOU'RE NOT WEARING A WEDDING RING, BECAUSE
WHEN THE CAT'S AWAY -- >> YEAH, WE'RE GOING OUT AFTER
THIS.
>> Stephen: IS YOUR HUSBAND HERE?
>> NO, HE'S IN FLORIDA.
>> Stephen: DRINK UP.
CHEERS.
>> Stephen: SERIOUSLY, NO WEDDING RING?
WHAT'S THE DEAL?
>> I DON'T LIKE RINGS.
THEY'RE UNCOMFORTABLE, HARD TO WORK AND MY FINGER GOT TOO FAT
AFTER I HAD TWO KIDS.
>> Stephen: NOT AT ALL!
THAT'S THE REALITY.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL HANDS!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS ONE'S VERY ROMANTIC.
IT SAYS, "AMOR, AMOUR, AMORE: NO MATTER HOW YOU SAY IT, IT MEANS
LOVE."
BEAUTIFUL THOUGHT.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT READ, "IF MY HUSBAND CALLS, PRETEND YOU DON'T
SPEAK ENGLISH."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY?
ALL RIGHT.
THIS IS A FUN ONE FOR THE KIDS.
IT SAYS -- "YODA ONE FOR ME."
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "CHEATING ON ME, YOU ARE.
A DI-FORCE I WANT."
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S A PRETTY ONE.
"OUR LOVE IS AS VAST AS THE OCEAN."
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT READ, "I WISH YOU WERE THAT FISH MAN FROM
'THE SHAPE OF WATER.'" ( LAUGHTER )
DID YOU SEE THAT MOVIE?
>> I JUST SAW IT.
>> Stephen: I HAVE NOT SEEN IT YET.
>> FABULOUS.
>> Stephen: DOES SHE GET IT ON WITH THE FISH MAN?
>> UM, YEAH.
>> Stephen: YEAH?
AND SHE EVEN TELLS US HOW.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
BECAUSE FISH SPAWN.
THE EGGS AND THE MAN COMES AND JUST LAYS THE SEED DOWN ON
THERE -- >> THIS GUY'S GOT IT ALL.
>> Stephen: HE'S GOT IT ALL?
YEAH.
WE DON'T SEE IT, BUT -- >> Stephen: HE'S HUNG LIKE A
TROUT.
>> I DON'T KNOW THAT.
>> Stephen: IT'S NOT A COMPLE MEANT.
I HAVEN'T SEEN IT.
LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
CAN I BRING THE KIDS TO IT?
>> YEAH -- YEAH -- YEAH.
YEAH.
MAYBE NOT THE LITTLE LITTLE KIDS.
MY KIDS, YES.
>> Stephen: SURE, OKAY.
YOU'RE FUN.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS ONE SAYS, "I'M SO GLAD YOU
WIPED RIGHT!" ISN'T THAT NICE?
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "I NOTICED YOU HAVEN'T DELETED
TINDER FROM YOUR PHONE.
WHAT GIVES?" ( LAUGHTER )
I LIKE THIS ONE.
IT SAYS, "MY LOVE, EVERY TIME I SEE YOU, I FALL IN LOVE ALL OVER
AGAIN.
."
>> MY HUSBAND SAYS THAT.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A LUCKY WOMAN.
ALTHOUGH THE FIRST DRAFT READ, "I'VE BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH FACE
BLINDNESS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS ONE'S VERY NICE RIGHT HERE.
THIS ONE SAYS, "WORDS CANNOT DESCRIBE OUR LOVE."
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "I'LL GIVE YOU $130,000 NOT TO
DESCRIBE OUR LOVE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HAPPY VALENTINE'S, EVERYONE!
>> HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
>> Stephen: CHEERS!
CHEERS!