- Please let someone start with me today, please.
- What are you drinking, red wine or, ah, sorry.
- Okay, I see where this is headed.
- I'm mad as hell (mimics tires screeching).
(hip hop beat) (audience cheering)
- How are you?
Nice to meet to you.
What are you drinking, red wine or, ah!
(audience laughing) Sorry.
Mo, we're gonna do a neat little trick.
This is cool, you're gonna like this.
It's card tricks, it's really neat.
Now here's what we're gonna do.
This is a bag of,
of rat trap, cards!
A bag of cards.
Rat trap, where'd that come from?
(audience laughing)
I want you to put your hand in there please.
And pull out the deck of cards.
It's just a deck of cards,
I don't know where rat, that would break your hand.
That wouldn't be funny. (audience laughing)
Go ahead, you can feel.
Feel. (coughs) (audience laughing)
All right. Sorry. (audience applauding)
Put your hand in there (yells).
No, it's just a deck of cards.
They're not in there.
Maybe it's in the white bag.
Sometimes they slip into the white bag out of the red one.
Nope, let's try the blue one.
Sometimes they get in that.
Where did I put those,
maybe the red bag with the white words written on it.
Nope I remember,
the white bag with the American flags.
No, no, no, no let's try the zippered side pouch.
Ah, there they are, okay.
Now-- (audience applauding)
Pick one, I'll tell you what it is.
(audience laughing)
Oh, I'm looking right at them.
All right, we'll try it this way but it doesn't always work.
(audience laughing)
Take it out, memorize it, put it in the middle.
Middle, got to be in the middle.
Faster, fast, fast, good, all right.
Now not only am I gonna cause your card to rise to the top
I've changed it to the seven of spades.
(audience cheering)
They seem to be digging the card stuff.
Let's do another one.
Pick one, good.
All right.
Put it back anywhere in the deck.
(audience laughing)
The middle, that's good, that's good.
I'm gonna find your card. (audience laughing)
- I know. - Ooh, I'll do it too.
- Five of diamonds.
- No. - No.
- That's not the five of diamonds?
- It is-- - Five of diamonds.
- I didn't say it was your card,
I said the five of diamonds.
I'll find your card, I'm not an idiot.
(audience laughing)
One of these?
Stuck it in there too damn fast, I wasn't ready.
(audience laughing)
Put these on.
You'll look good, trust me. (audience laughing)
Put them on, put them on.
(audience cheering)
All right, get a firm grip.
These are the horns of trust.
We must blow these before we do what we're about to do
to signify that we trust each other.
We blow to celebrate trust, blow!
(Jonathan laughing) (audience laughing)
Talcum powder.
That's funny.
I put it in there, you blow it around there,
and it comes out that hole all over you.
All right. (chuckling) (audience laughing)
What baggie did you use? (audience laughing)
All right.
Thanks a lot for helping me out.
Look at your shirt.
Two, two.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mo. (audience cheering)
- It's the one city,
I think New York is that one city where you wake up
and you actually want to fight someone.
Ever have that?
Yeah, you know what I'm talking about?
You wake up and you're like
"Please, let someone start with me today, please.
"I just got to fight someone." (audience cheering)
And the other day I was in that mood and I get on the train.
I'm try to talk myself out of it
'cause I'm like "What am I, crazy?
"I want to fight somebody?
"I can't even fight." (audience laughing)
And I saw this woman, she looked like a friend of mine,
so I waved here and I'm like "Hey,"
and it wasn't my friend. (audience laughing)
So now I have to justify it and I'm like
"I'm sorry, ma'am,
"you look just like one of my best friends."
And she goes "I don't look like anyone."
(audience laughing)
I know, so in my head I was like "Yes."
'Cause now I get to fight here.
So then I say to her,
I'm like "That's so weird,
"'cause the girl you look like is a bitch too."
(audience laughing and cheering)
I win.
In our high stakes game of attitude poker
she gave me the pair,
I gave her the royal flush.
I was like "No, no, I've played before.
"And I do play to win." (audience laughing)
Dating in the city's hard.
When I was single I had all these troubles
because I have one of those face that just says
if you're crazy and you know ask me out.
(audience laughing)
If your mama never loved you buy me lunch.
(audience laughing)
Sit down and discuss your childhood.
Fun, fun, fun.
Actually, I actually have a boyfriend now.
Sorry, ladies. (audience laughing)
Women love me.
And we've been together a while now.
We're actually trying to have baby.
Thank you. (audience applauding)
I'm gonna tell him real soon. (audience laughing)
I'm gonna tell him that.
Gonna tell him that really soon.
He's gonna be a great dad, he just doesn't know it yet.
I'm just kidding, I'm not gonna tell him.
(audience laughing)
- It's crazy everywhere you go.
I don't care where you go, it's crazy, man.
I was down in Tennessee,
let me tell you right now about Tennessee.
Your car break down in Tennessee
you have just moved to Tennessee.
(audience laughing)
Nobody knows nothing no more.
You ever get lost driving your car
and ask somebody how to get somewhere?
And could look right at their face
and tell they don't know nothing?
The face tells the whole damn story.
You could be driving your car lost
and ask somebody how to get somewhere and can tell
they don't know what the hell they talking about
by the damn face.
It's the same face every city you go to.
You driving your car (mimics tires screeching).
Hey, my man.
I'm trying to find Thompson Street.
Yeah, I'm trying to find Thompson Street.
I'm trying to find Thompson Street.
Yeah, Thompson Street.
That guy turns around with the same damn face.
(audience laughing and applauding)
"You said Thompson or Tom Son?
"What you want to do is,
"wait a minute, don't drive off while I'm talking to you.
"Wait a minute, now.
"I'm trying to help you out, brother.
"Wait you on my leg, the tire's on my leg!"
I don't have time for that,
I don't have time for that, man.
I said "The next person I see better know something."
I seen a old man,
old people aint got no time for that.
I'm mad as hell (mimics tires screeching).
Hey, you old ass man!
Hey old ass man!
I'm trying to find Thompson Street, you old bastard.
The old man turned around,
he said "Whoa, wait a minute now."
(audience laughing)
"Look here, young fella.
"I'ma help you get where you got to go.
"Now look here,
"you go down here, you hear me?
"You go down here
"and make a left, you make another left,
"you make another left,
"you make another left.
"When you get back here you ask me the right way."
- It's fun to go to clubs and bars, I like it.
Most of them have great drink specials now which is nice,
but sometimes I'll hear about a drink special
that sounds borderline dangerous.
Like a friend will call me up and be like
"We got to go to O'Halligan's tonight.
"It is Nickel Shot Night."
I'm like "Yeah, I'm pretty sure we'll die
"if we go to O'Halligan's."
Nickel Shot Night should be illegal.
I actually just quit drinking a couple months ago because,
oh, I'm not exactly slap happy about it myself.
(audience laughing) Boo me.
But I had a problem (audience laughing)
because I was blacking out all the time.
And I went and I talked to my doctor and he said
"It's not that you drink too much,
"it's just that after a couple major blackouts
"you black out easier and easier after that."
So I would just have a couple drinks
and my brain would be like
"Okay, I see where this is headed.
"we're just gonna power down now
"and get restarted sometime tomorrow morning."
The morning after a blackout though is so strange
'cause I always feel like this detective
trying to solve the mystery
of how I got home the night before.
It's the case of the empty wallet
and the for some reason bleeding knee.
And luckily I can get right on the case
'cause I'm still fully clothed from the night before.
(audience applauding and cheering)
It's not good, it's not good.
Bad. Bad. (audience applauding)
It's always weird when I go out with some money
and black out and wake up with no money.
But it's a lot weirder when I go out with some money,
black out, and wake up with more money.
(audience laughing)
That meant that I had earned money.
That meant that I had traded good and/or services.
(audience laughing)
And blacked out it's not anything wholesome.
It's not like I was temping at real estate office.
(audience cheering) (hip hop beat)