We hit 100k baby!
Thank you, and dog bless to 100k subscriptions.
To celebrate this joyful occasion: I'm going to review, and slightly roast dating profiles.
Forget paying Russell Hartley for dating tips! I'm going to provide you with
ROCK SOLID dating advice.
So you can become the PLAYER you've always dreamed of being.
So before we start, I just want to thank every single
one of you that sent in your dating profiles.
I got WAY more than expected. And I really appreciate that all of you wanted me to roast you.
So first off, we've got: DIANA.
So I'm just looking through her profile:
her interests, wants, whatever, yaddy ya, boring, boring OH MY GOD THERE'S A COW!
WHAT A CUTIE.
I mean don't get me wrong Diana, you look lovely in these photos, but umm,
add a bit of spice, make it a bit spicy.
So I thought I'd just make a couple of subtle changes to your profile.
There you go!
You'll definitely get laid now.
Right now that I've changed that person's life let's look at Madeleine, from Ohio!
Madeline? Madeleine? I'm just doing to call you Caddy.
So Caddy said in her emails she's been watching
Russell Hartley videos. Good start. But alas, they've been no help!
Can't imagine why!
*Russell creepily sniffs his fingers* "That's a good vintage!"
If Russell Hartley's advice didn't work for you, maybe try this guy instead?
Richard La Ruina: "Right guys, in this video, I'm going to tell, talk about something very cool"
I mean, look at how many ladies he's got!
He might have paid them to be there...
But, you know, just - be rich.
And maybe take photos where you're not being held hostage.
People smell fear.
Next up we have...Molloy!
Not Molly - Molloy.
And her profile says: "my biggest regret in life is killing my chia pet."
Wait, what's that?
PHWOAR! What the hell is that??
DISGUSTING!
AH NO, NO! I hate this!
No, no, I hate these - they're cursed! I think these should be banned!
I can't explain it, but I have this aversion to plants growing out of people, animals or things.
Shit like THIS! It makes me feel physically ill, it gives me the heebyjeebies!
Moving swiftly on! Sorry Molloy, you're going to have to fend for yourself!
Now, let's see Bebby's profile.
Bebby! Aw like a baby! Except this is not suitable for babies. If you are
a baby and you are on dating profiles - don't be.
WAIT! HOLD ON A MINUTE!
Something smells fishy here...
Bebby??
Looks awfully familiar...
Hmm...
Must just have one of those faces!
I don't think there's any way you can improve this profile. You know what you want,
and you make make no apologies for it.
And you DON'T use the "p-word"...
So you're bound to be a pussy magnet!
Gosh we're bashing through these, aren't we? BASH! BASH! BASH!
So a quick little tip if you want to grow on YouTube: do NOT bash
your subscriptions uhh thank you that was my PSA.
Anyway, THIS is TJ!
Let's see what TJ has to offer.
"Holding my breath because I have the hiccups."
You know, that reminds me, I knew a girl who permanently had the hiccups. Such a shame,
she was a nice girl, she didn't deserve it.
Now, this needs to be your main photo, TJ. You need to show off the skills you have on offer,
and if this is the best you can do, you need to just be upfront about that.
And if you do kidnap more dogs in future for your Tinder pics,
just make it so it doesn't LOOK like they're being held against their will.
Now, I'm going to give you, the audience, my subscriptions,
a piece of advice. By showing you a special category of dating profile...
Which I call..
"Threatening...and I dig it"
I would strongly recommend adding a
menacing feel to your profile. A bit like those cakes with haunting auras.
People will see your profile and think "OOH! Delicious."
But also: "OOH! Dangerous."
So props to: Felix the Snack, Bethany and Beatrice. Bravo!
The students have become the masters.
Ok, now that I've praised some of you, let's get back to the roasting!
Next, we have Naomi from Brazil!
She asked for a smartphone to make her short film.
LOVE THE HUSTLE!
But, girl! Aim HIGHER! You're WAY hotter than
that! Bag yourself a sugar daddy! Get the whole DSLR!
Shangela: If I wanted a sugar daddy I'd probably go out and get one because I am what? Sickening!
So here's Tom. And the first thing it says on his profile is that he's VEGAN.
Uhhhh!
Why are vegans SO PREACHY???
You know, I'm vegan, but you would never know it,
because unlike SOME PEOPLE, I never mention it! Ever!
*Flashback Tara* I'm a vegan, I'm a vegan! *Curb
your enthusiasm theme-song plays* I'm a vegan! I'm a vegan! I'm a vegan!
Now, for the final category of dating profile I came up with, which I call:
"I'm rooting for you!"
These are people that I couldn't find much to roast them on.
But, I wanted to showcase them because they seem like good eggs. 🥚
First, we have: Ingrid!
Who hasn't had the best of luck with relationships and deserves WAY better.
"Cheesestrings are the love of my life"
SOMEONE GIVE THIS GIRL A CHEESESTRING!
She's not asking for much!
She bloody well deserves it.
Bri also stood out to me.
"I like being yelled at so it should be obviously where my mental health is at."
Oh, same girl, same!
I just really appreciate how wholesome her profile is.
She wants to find someone to go to Comic Con with. And she just wants
a relationship with quality memes and mutual respect. And I really hope you
find that, Bri. Because you're drop-dead gorgeous, and you like Adventure Time.
Then we have ELLIE!
Who said she couldn't WAIT to be dragged!
Problem is...
She's way cooler than I'll ever be.
Making fun of her is like, taking the piss out of Pedro Pascal.
What's the point in making fun of someone who's hot AND likeable? It's just bad for your skin.
So, that's it for dating profiles today!
If you sent yours in, thank you so much again, apologies if you weren't featured in this video.
There were so many and I've got to say it was kinda hard to roast y'all.
Because you're all much cooler than me.
And I also wanted to just get out this short but sweet video
because my next one is going to be a long one.
And it actually follows on from the theme of dating...
I won't spoil it for you, but it's about...
Something that rhymes with...
"Shmickup Shmartists"
It's gunna be long.
It's gunna be cringe.
And yeah it's gunna be long and cringe.
So yeah, keep your eyes open on my video
on uhhhh...whatever rhymes with "Shmickup Shmartists".
Oh and happy new year, by the way!
What are your New Years resolutions? Tell me in the comments!
One of mine is to start exercising. We'll see about that.
And that is it for today!
Buh bye! Buh bye now! Buh bye! Buh bye!