>> U.S. INTELLIGENCE OFFICIALS NOW BELIEVE THAT VLADIMIR PUTIN
PERSONALLY OVERSAW THE CYBER ATTACKS ON THE DEMOCRATS BEFORE
THE ELECTION. HERE TO DEFEND VLADIMIR PUTIN
ARE HIS BEST FRIENDS GROWING UP. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HI. >> THANK YOU.
>> SO PUTIN HACKED OUR ELECTORAL SYSTEM.
THAT'S GOT TO BE A LOW IN DIPLOMACY.
BUT YOU GUYS ARE BEST FRIENDS WITH HIM?
>> HE IS THE BEST. >> WE LOVE HIM.
HE'S A GREAT LEADER. >> HE'S FOCUSED, DISCIPLINED.
>> SUCH A HARD WORKER. [ SOFTLY ]
I WILL SAY HE CAN BE PRETTY PETTY.
SO HE HAS THIS HOLIDAY PARTY AND ON THE INVITE IT SAYS IN BOLD
LETTER, NO GIFTS PLEASE. SO WE SHOW UP AND HE GOES,
ARRIVING EMPTY-HANDED, ARE WE? WE GO, YOU SAID.
>> NO GIFTS. >> NO GIFTS.
>> SO HE POINTS TO US WITH HIS THUMB, ROLLS HIS EYES.
HE TURNS TO THE ROOM AND HE GOES, HEY, THE CHEAPSKATES ARE
HERE. HIDE YOUR PURSES.
>> FIRST OF ALL, THAT NOT ONLY IMPLIES THAT WE ARE CHEAP BUT
THAT WE STEAL? >> IT SAYS IT ON THE INVITATION.
>> I'M SORRY. I'M HAVING A HARD TIME HEARING
YOU GUYS. ARE YOU SAYING THAT HE TURNS ON
PEOPLE? >> NO.
>> NO, NO. WE LOVE HIM.
HE'S LIKE OUR BEST FRIEND. HE'S SO UNIQUE.
>> HE LOVES RETRO THINGS. HE COLLECTS VINTAGE SODAS.
HE'S LIKE A NERD ABOUT IT. >> SUCH A NERD.
SO FUNNY. >> I WILL SAY HE'S WEIRD ABOUT
MONEY. HE KEEPS SAYING THAT HE'S NOT
WEIRD ABOUT MONEY. I'M LIKE, WHY ARE YOU BRINGING
IT UP? SO WALKING TO THE PARTY.
>> FIRST HE GOES, HEY, CAN YOU GUYS PLAY SOME MUSIC?
BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO SHELL OUT MONEY FOR A D.J.
WE GO, WHAT? >> WHY ARE WE WORKING AT YOUR
PARTY? >> WE HAVE TO WORK AT YOUR
PARTY? >> RUSSIA CAN GET YOU A D.J.
YOU KNOW, HE GOES BACK INSIDE. HEY, EVERYONE.
GOT A T-SHIRT FOR EVERYONE, MERRY CHRISTMAS.
>> THEY'RE LIKE FLIMSY. >> ITCHY.
>> AND THEY'RE ALL THE SAME SIZE.
SO I GO UP TO HIM AND GO, CAN I HAVE A SMALLER SIZE.
HE GOES, NO, IT WAS CHEAPER JUST TO ORDER ALL LARGES.
>> YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT OF A MAJOR NATION.
>> YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT. >> GET DIFFERENT SIZES.
>> SPLURGE. HE SAYS, I'M SORRY IT DOESN'T
FIT. MAYBE YOU CAN PUT IT OVER YOUR
FACE WHEN YOU GO ON A DATE. >> LIKE WHAT?
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? YOU INVITED US TO THE PARTY.
>> YOU'RE GOING TO INSULT US? >> FIRST OFF, YOU'VE GOT TO
SPEAK UP, PLEASE. NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW
SERIOUS THE ACCUSATIONS AGAINST PUTIN ARE?
HE'S LITERALLY THREATENING THE AMERICAN POLITICAL SYSTEM.
>> HONESTLY, HE'S VERY DEDICATED, STRONG, BRAVE.
>> YEAH. >> HE'S A FAN OF YOU.
>> HE LOVES YOU. >> SAYS SUCH NICE THINGS ABOUT
YOU. >> WE'RE AT THE PARTY.
AND WE WANT TO GO. WE'RE GOING TO TAKE OFF.
>> HE GOES, YOU GUYS HAD A PROBLEM WITH ME AS SOON AS YOU
WALKED IN HERE. YOU DIDN'T ASK ME HOW MY DAY
WAS. >> I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH ALL
THE HACKING STUFF. AND SIBERIA IS SO COLD.
>> SO COLD. >> OKAY.
I CAN BARELY HEAR YOU. BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU DON'T
ACTUALLY LIKE PUTIN. >> NO.
IT'S COMPLICATED. >> IT'S KIND OF LIKE HOW YOU
FEEL ABOUT COLIN JOST. >> NO, NO.
I LOVE COLIN. I WILL SAY THAT --
[ LAUGHTER ] >> YEAH.
>> MICHAEL CHE, EVERYONE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT AT TRUMP'S INAUGURATION THE
NATIONAL ANTHEM WILL BE PERFORMED BY JACKIE EVANCHO, WHO
WAS IN SECOND PLACE ON "AMERICA'S GOT TALENT" THOUGH
SHE SOMEHOW WON THE "AMERICA'S GOT TALENT" ELECTORAL COLLEGE.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> AN AUSTRALIAN MAN WHO ATE
NOTHING BUT POTATOES FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR HAS LOST MORE THAN
100 POUNDS, NO LONGER NEEDS ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, LOWERED HIS
CHOLESTEROL AND IS DEAD. >>> THE ORGANIZATION PLANNING
THE WOMEN'S MARCH ON WASHINGTON IN JANUARY RELEASED THE LOGO FOR
THE EVENT. IT'S GREAT LOGO BECAUSE LIKE
MANY FEMINISTS IT PUTS THE WHITE WOMEN IN THE FRONT.
>> ACCORDING TO A NEW SURVEY 70% OF PEOPLE SAY THAT THEIR
RELATIONSHIPS HAVE BEEN HURT BY PHUBBING WHICH IS WHEN YOU SNUB
YOUR PARTNER TO USE YOUR PHONE INSTEAD.
PHUBBING IS NOT AS I ASSUMED WHEN YOUR BUTT IS TOO BIG TO
HAVE SEX IN A BATHTUB. >> EARLIER TODAY, NEW YORK GOT
ITS FIRST MAJOR SNOWFALL WHICH IS FUN BECAUSE NOW YOU KNOW
WHICH DELI HAS THE MOST RATS. >> THAT'S SO GROSS.
>>> WELL IT'S THE LAST WEEKEND UPDATE OF THE YEAR SO WE THOUGHT
WE'D TRY TO RESCUE SOME JOKES. >> GIA-GIA, THE WORLD'S OLDEST
PANDA PASSED AWAY THIS WEEK AT THE AGE OF 38.
GIA-GIA DIED AFTER SUFFERING A STROKE-STROKE.
>> CHIPOTLE HAS BEGUN SERVING CHORIZO.
THIS ANNOUNCEMENT WAS MADE LOUDLY THROUGH A BATHROOM DOOR.
>> UBER ISSUED A NEW A NEW SET OF RULES FOR PASSENGERS THAT BAN
HAVING SEX WITH A DRIVER OR OTHER PASSENGERS.
YOU CAN ALWAYS SWITCH OVER TO LYFT FOR A MUSTACHE RIDE.
>> HERSHEY'S CHOCOLATE WORLD IS PREPARING FOR ITS 100 MILLIONTH
VISITOR. TO CELEBRATE I'M ABOUT TO MAKE
MY 8th VISIT TO JERSEY'S CHOCOLATE WORLD BY THE AIRPORT.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW
YEAR. FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE" I'M MICHAEL
CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST, GOOD NIGHT.