("Dog on Fire")
- Last year, I played Horatio in Hamlet
at the public theater opposite Oscar Issac.
(audience cheers and applauds)
It was a dream come true.
It was like coming home
and a brand new dream come true at the same time
and I just want to be able to do more of that.
- That's amazing.
Speaking of dreams coming true,
my dream was to be in "The Lion King" and I'm not.
(Keegan and audience laughs)
And I see that you are,
you are going to be in "The Lion King."
- Oh, this one, oh, I am!
I am gonna be in "The Lion King."
- You're gonna be in "The Lion King."
How the (bleep) did that happen?
(audience laughs)
- Can I just say this for a second?
Those cards felt really comfortable in my hands.
- You know, many people, in fact,
tried to reduce you to just, you know, your fact,
so they went, oh you're getting successful
just because you're Asian, just because you're a woman,
just because you're pregnant.
- There was a guy, who, I won't name names,
he's not a very successful comedian,
so I don't even know if you would know who he was.
- [Trevor] No, I don't.
- You wouldn't know.
You're outta there now.
But he came up to me
while I was pregnant the second time
and he touched my belly with his fat, sweaty hand,
which is so gross to begin with.
It's like why don't you finger me while you're at it?
This is so not okay.
Just because I'm pregnant,
doesn't mean it's okay for you to touch my belly.
And he was like, oh, so this is your shtick,
this is your thing, now, right?
And I was like,
getting pregnant is not rainbow suspenders.
It's not a shtick and then he was like,
"You're so lucky, Ali, because you get all of this attention
"'cause you're both a female and a minority."
And I was like, "Yeah, 'cause you know,
"historically that's always been the winning combo
"for recognition and success."
(audience laughs and applauds)
And he was like, "You know what I mean,
"like me, I'm just another white guy."
And I was like, "Be a better white guy."
- Is there anything else you wanna tell us about?
'Cause I just like chatting to you.
- Oh, I actually did wanna say
that I hope that the fact that
Between The Scenes has become like a whole (beep) thing
is something that you're happy about
and not like, I've gotta do bonus interviews now,
because Anna one time came after
in Between The Scenes and now it's like a whole thing.
- No, no, but you're the only person
who refused to listen to me when I said--
- It's not a thing?
- Between The Scenes is not a thing.
- But now it's a thing, so you're welcome.
- Yes.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Thank you, Anna.
- But I hope that's okay and not just more work for you.
- No, no, it's fine.
- I can tell in your eyes that you kind of hate it.
- No, these are happy eyes.
These are happy eyes.
These are eyes that enjoy doing more work,
that's what these eyes are.
- No, never, no, no, no!
- Congratulations on another season of Grey's Anatomy.
The show's been going, how many seasons has it been, now?
- We just finished 15.
- 15 seasons. (audience cheers and applauds)
- You've been doing it for so long
that I feel like you should have an honorary degree.
- I could be a fully credited surgeon by now.
- Do you think you know enough fake medicine
to do real medicine?
- I could slow your death.
(audience and Trevor laughs)
I could buy you a few extra minutes.
But, you know what's funny is that like,
and I think I've said this before,
I've definitely had at least two instances on a plane
where somebody has gone, is there a doctor on the plane,
and then the flight attendant looks directly at me,
and it's like, lady, the one thing you know about me,
I'm like anybody else on this flight,
the one thing you know about me is I'm not a doctor.
(audience laughs)
But it's like, you, you, no, no, please don't.
Fine, all right, just go through the motions,
I don't know what, this is how bad of a doctor I am,
I don't know. - Is that how you do?
- I'm just stretching is what I'm doing.
- That's your CPR?
- This is like a little cabbage patch or something, yeah.
- That was a very sexy CPR.
(audience laughs)
That was like, yo, I know you're not coming back to life,
but you're going out happy.
- I brought you a little present.
- You brought me a present? - Yes.
So I introduced a term.
- Oh, you brought me a little bag, I love bags!
I got a bag, I love bags! - A little gift bag.
She always leaves a party giving people gift bags.
So back when we checked in in the dressing room
I taught you a term, the term is gender (bleep).
- All right, I've never heard of that before.
- Yeah, and it's not what it sounds like,
it's like playing with your gender
and having a damn good time.
And so I brought you some clip on earrings.
- Oh wow.
- Because I figured you could use.
- So I get to wear these? - Yeah, so you see this is--
- You know what kills me with clip-ons all the time
is they give me headaches.
But these one's aren't tight, I promise.
- Are you sure? - They're good ones.
- 'Cause a lot of the times they'll give you headaches.
- No, they're gentle! (audience cheers and applauds)
Look at that, wow!
Trevor, this is, I mean like,
I don't wanna be your stylist right now
and I don't wanna like, you know, but I just,
this is a look, you realize this is a look, right?
- You know what's interesting for me,
to your ideas of gender and how we identify it
and what signifies gender around the world
is in South Africa and many African cultures
men will wear earrings like this and to your point,
it doesn't, like no one would be like,
oh, that man is not man or is, do you get what I'm saying?
- Yeah. - It's funny,
'cause like this I'm like, oh, I look traditional right now.
(audience laughs) - Yes!
- Like that's what I'm thinking right now.
Like if my grandmother saw she'd be like,
"Finally, he's connecting with his roots!"
Do you ever get bored of people
asking you to freestyle in real life?
'Cause let's be honest, you have become the hip hop guy
and now you have the freestyle show
and it's like so it's freestyle and it's hip hop
so I feel like everywhere you go people are just like,
"Oh my god, Lin, how are you?"
♪ It's a coffee mug, a boo boo chee, a boo boo chee ♪
♪ A boo boo chee, a boo boo chee ♪
♪ I love coffee and I wanna say ♪
♪ You drink it every day, come on, Lin ♪
Be honest with me, how many people do that to you?
- Well, only reporters.
(audience laughs and applauds)
My new thing that I've done,
and you could probably do an amazing super cut on this
'cause you guys are wizards at that is like,
my new things is I say, I will freestyle if you beatbox.
So you could do a super cut of reporters beatboxing
just to get me to freestyle and it's a lot of like
little white ladies being like (beatboxing).
(audience laughs)
- You are a Palestinian Kuwaiti Muslim
traveling the world with no passport and you were like,
"Yeah, I wanna try to do this in more countries."
- Yeah. (laughs)
Well, I'm born to Palestinian parents.
- How many times did you get stopped?
- Every time, no, it was every time
to the point to when I became a citizen
and I was reentering America
and he was like, "Okay, go ahead."
And I was like, "No, are you sure?
"I think there's another... (audience laughs)
"There's something else that needs to happen here.
"I feel awkward, can we just talk for a little while?"
(audience laughs)
I'm serious, they did.
I was like, "What's goin' on?"
I was like, "No, we need to chat a little bit."
Like Japan was my favorite interrogation I ever had,
it was just an hour of them
trying to figure out what I did for a living.
The entire hour, for real, consisted of,
"So, what is your occupation?"
I was like, "Oh, I'm a comedian."
He's, like "Comedian?"
I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, I do stand up comedy."
"Stand up comedy?"
I'm like, "Yeah, I'm a... (audience laughs)
"I do comedy", "Comedy?"
"Yeah, I do, I'm a comedian", "Comedian?"
I'm like, am I bein' roasted right now, what's happening?
(audience laughs)
Finally his buddy walks in, his partner, he's like,
(speaking in foreign language) comedian.
And he goes, "Oh yeah, he's like Bill Cosby."
(audience groans)
And that's what got me off was Bill Cosby.
I mean, not literally, not literally.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- A lot of people who are refugees
or maybe came to the US as immigrants
had this connection with Trump where they were worried.
You had a different connection with Trump
which is one of the reasons you came into prominence,
really insane story where you found yourself on a plane
seated next to Eric Trump.
- That's, yeah.
You know, bein' a frequent flyer helps sometimes.
I didn't know this was gonna happen,
like I was upgrading to first class
and I ended up sitting next to Eric Trump.
I didn't even know I was gonna get upgraded
'cause I put my name on the list way to late,
you know, comedians are, you know,
the best procrastinators in the business
and I didn't know I was gonna get upgraded
much less sit next to Eric, but I do know one thing,
the lady that upgraded me is probably a Clinton supporter,
you know, let's be real.
She was probably sittin' there like,
"Oh, Eric Trump is on my flight, okay, uh huh, uh huh."
I don't know why she has a mustache but okay, mm-hmm.
(audience laughs)
"Oh, there's an empty seat next to Eric?
"Let me take a look at this upgrade list,
"see who's standing by patiently here.
"Oh, Mohammed Mustafa Amer, upgrade!"
(audience laughs and applauds)
- I often wonder how much normalcy
there still is in your life?
Like, how many normal random things happen to you.
Like, when was the last time
your phone ran out of battery while you were speaking?
Has that ever happened to you?
- No. - Okay.
(audience laughs)
So for instance, have there ever been a moment where
you're in the bathroom and then the toilet roll is done, no?
- Oh, no.
- What is the most?
- No, you know why?
Because at my house, I don't know
if this happens at your house,
but at my house when the toilet roll is checked regularly
and when it's been checked,
like after you're going to the bathroom,
somebody will come in and it's folded
into a little triangle. - They fold a little triangle?
- Yes. - Like you live in a hotel?
- It's like folding into a triangle every time.
- Okay, okay, we'll take one from each side.
- I will tell you though, some things very normal
that you wouldn't think. - Okay, let's go.
- I travel with my own bread and I bring my own avocados.
- Are you serious?
- Yes I do.
So I have an avocado orchard so I think it's--
- Oh, the story got not normal, Oprah!
You just said, "I'm gonna tell you something normal",
then you said, "I have my own avocado orchard."
(audience laughs)
- But, so I think it's ridiculous to pay for avocados.
- Which is why you bought your own orchard?
Are you kidding me?
That is not a normal story. - Okay.
- You sailed from Europe to New York City.
New York City is quite an assault on the senses
when you come from anywhere else.
What is the biggest thing.
that has stuck out to you in New York City?
- I mean, just everything, all the impressions,
everything is so much, so big, so loud.
(audience laughs)
People talk so loud here as well.
(audience laughs)
Because when you're on that boat,
when I was on the boat there was nothing,
there was just the ocean
and of course the sound of the waves crashing
but that's it, no smells,
(audience laughs) apart from sweat.
So I remember the first thing I noticed
when we came into the harbor was I woke up and suddenly
it smelled something. (audience laughs)
And of course it was pollution, but still something
and that was,
it was undescribable
to go from this extreme environment,
you're disconnected from everything and everyone,
you only have yourself and the ocean,
and the boat of course, to New York.
(audience laughs)
- That is an accurate and brilliant description of New York.
(audience laughs)
It is undescribable and it smells.
(audience laughs)
You work in Australia but you live in the US
and your father lives with you in Los Angeles,
or does he come and visit you quite a lot?
- No, no, no, he lives with us and yeah.
(audience laughs)
The reason I'm pausing is my dad,
when we lived in the UK we lived in houses or apartments
that we didn't have a yard.
L.A. as most people know has a lot of space
and my dad has become obsessed with leaf blowing.
(audience laughs)
- Are you being serious?
- I'm absolutely serious.
- So your Nigerian dad is obsessed with leaf blowers?
- It's crazy.
If you knew Nigerians you'd know that that was really weird.
What am I going to go and do the gardening for?
But the problem is he never just does
like the constant (imitates leaf blower),
because then you kinda go, okay, daddy's leaf blowing.
He goes, (imitates leaf blower),
(audience laughs)
So for the hour that he's doing this.
- Oh man, oh man.
It's just like one leaf at a time.
- He's so happy when fall comes.
Ah, here are the leaves!
(audience laughs and applauds)
("Dog on Fire")