[Please keep the English CC accurate for the benefit of the hearing-impaired. Funny asides can go in English (Canada). Ta!]
[Baby Goku is crying]
NARRATOR: Long ago, on a planet long forgotten by time...
A young hero was born; a righteous Saiyan warrior who would bring peace to the galaxy.
This...
...is *not* his story.
This is the story of *another* Saiyan warrior, who slaughtered millions of innocents
and brought terror to those who heard his name.
And that name is...
⬆ [♫ "Dare" ♫]
♫ Dare! Dare to believe you can survive ♫
♫ You hold the future in your hand ♫
♫ Dare! Dare to keep all your dreams alive ♫
♫ The power is there at your command (Oh, oh!) ♫
♫ Dare! There is a place where dreams survive ♫
♫ It's calling you on to victory ♫
♫ Dare! ♫ [fading echo]
[fade out]
[Group of Saiyan warriors laugh (except Bardock)]
PUMBUKIN: And then I tell the guy,
"Don't be angry. I'm just Saiyan!"
[They laugh again]
And then I tore out his throat.
[Wind blows]
TOMA: Hey, Bardock. Heard you had another kid. Congrats.
Who's the mom?
PUMBUKIN: I bet it's Selypa. I see the way you two look at each other.
BARDOCK: Nah; it'd never work out between us.
TOMA: Why not?
BARDOCK: Are you kidding? She's a raging *dyke*.
SELYPA: I'm right here, you asshole!
BARDOCK: ...And?
SELYPA: God, this is why I hate men!
{TUH}
BARDOCK: Point proven.
PUMBUKIN: So, uh, why did we attack this rock in the first place?
BARDOCK: I dunno. The mission briefing said this planet was full of psychics.
TOMA: Wait a second... Doesn't that mean they can see the future?
Don't you think they should have seen us coming?
BARDOCK: Just because they're psychic doesn't mean they're smart.
TOMA: But, aren't psychics supposed to have unbelievable mental--?
[Dramatic sting]
KANASSAN: I can see the futurrrre!
PUMBUKIN: Hey, look! One survived.
KANASSAN: OH, NO! THEY CAN SEE ME!
I have to stop you from destroying my race!
...In the future!
BARDOCK: We already did that.
KANASSAN: I knew you'd do that!
Now I have to kill you!
BARDOCK: Guh!
KANASSAN: Now you too can see the future!
WAHHH!
I'M ON FIRE!
AHHH!
TOMA: Well, that was...
...odd.
PUMBUKIN: Hey, Bardock. What do you think he meant about you seeing the future?
Bardock--?
[Dramatic music]
Bardock? Bardock?!
Say nothing if you want me to eat the remains of that alien!
[Munching]
ZARBON: Lord Freeza, the reports are saying that Kanassa has been seized.
FREEZA: [raspy] Thank you, Zarbon; that's very good to hea--
[Hacking coughs]
[normal] Ah, sorry about that; I had something in my throat.
Continue, Zarbon.
ZARBON: The reports say that it was overtaken
by a group of low-level Saiyans led by... Bardock.
DODORIA: Yeah, that Bardock's a pretty cool guy.
ZARBON: He conquers planets and doesn't afraid of anything.
FREEZA: Hmm, "doesn't afraid of anything" indeed...
[Bardock's visions]
[Groaning]
BARDOCK: 'What...?'
'What's going on?'
'Is...that my planet?'
'Wait, who is...?'
'Is that my son?'
'Where is he?'
'Hold on...'
'Is he befriending that alien race?'
'Oh, I get it...'
'He must be earning their trust before he slaughters them all.'
'Wait... Now everything's gone dark.'
'Is... is it over?'
'Am I...?'
MR. POPO: Hi.
[Dramatic sting; muffled scream]
SCIENTIST: Bardock, are you all right? Your heart rate skyrocketed.
BARDOCK: (Gasp)
I'm OK!
I'm OK.
It's just...
...*Eyes*.
Where am I, anyway?
SCIENTIST: Well, you're on Freeza Planet Six Nine Two.
BARDOCK: Man, you'd think with all his free time
he'd come up with better names for his planets.
ZARBON: So Lord Freeza, now that we have
Kanassa under our command, what shall we--?
FREEZA: Four One Nine!
ZARBON: Right, right...
BARDOCK: Anyway, where's my team? Are they already on a new mission?
SCIENTIST: Yes; well, it seems that Freeza
passed down a new mission just two hours ago.
By the way - while you're here, would you like to see your son, Kakarrot?
BARDOCK: "Kaka-wha..."?
Oh, right; his name.
Nah; think I'll pass. Didn't pay attention to Raditz when he was growing up.
SCIENTIST: Oh, yes; and we both know how he turned out...
[Sounds of muffled crying] BARDOCK: Hey there, Kakarrot. It's your Daddy!
[Scouter is beeping] 'Let's see what kind of power level we've got here... All right...'
'Whoahoahoahoahoahoa!'
'Ten thousand! *That's* my boy!'
'Uh, wait... "Broly"?'
'Ah, here we go. Kakarro-'
'-agh, aagh! Aaagh, aaagh!'
'*Two*?! Crap!'
There is no possible way this day could get any more disappointing...
TOMA: Bardock's going to be so disappointed.
DODORIA: I think Bardock is the least of your concerns.
TOMA: Why? I don't understand. We've served Freeza loyally.
DODORIA: Seems Freeza wants you dirty Saiyans out of the picture...
...and I'm just willing enough to oblige him.
TOMA: Don't you get it?
Chances are, someday he's just going to kill you, too.
DODORIA: Yeah, well, see...
I'm more of a "in-the-now" kinda guy.
Like...
"What am I gonna *eat* now?"
"What am I gonna *kill* now?"
And in this regard...
...you're probably gonna be both.
TOMA: You... you won't get away with this.
DODORIA: Oh, yeah?
Well tell me somethin'.
What looks like crap...
feels like crap...
...and probably ain't gonna wake up in the mornin'?
TOMA: Is...
Is it me?
DODORIA: And that's the punchline.
BARDOCK: Whoa, looks like I'm late to the party.
Where's the gan--?
...Oh...
...Oh. Oh, God! Guys...
Tell me you're just resting in the blood of your enemies!
Selypa...
Totepo...
Pumbukin?
Toma?
[Sounds of coughing]
TOMA: P...present...
BARDOCK: Toma!
Oh, thank God, Toma; you're OK.
I'll be honest - you're the only one I really cared about.
Everyone else was kinda bland. 'Cept for Selypa.
She was the only one here with a decent pair of t--
TOMA: Bardock... listen.
Freeza's turned on us.
He's afraid of the Saiyans.
He sent someone to... to take us out.
BARDOCK: Oh, God! He sent the Ginyu Force?
TOMA: No...
BARDOCK: Zarbon?
TOMA: No...
BARDOCK: ...Dodoria?
TOMA: Sorry...
BARDOCK: Listen - it won't end like this!
We're not too far from a healing planet. We're gonna get you fixed up.
We'll get you better, we'll warn everyone else, and then we'll--
[Wind blows]
'...My best friend just died in my arms, didn't he?'
'Yep...'
'Yeeep...'
'All right.'
'Plan B.'
'Don't worry, my friends. You shall all be avenged.'
'If Freeza's afraid of us, I'm gonna *give* him something to be afraid of!'
'They don't know I'm still alive...'
'...and I'm gonna rain hot vengeance down upon every single one of those *sons of bi--*!'
EACHPE: All right, guys; let's hit the sho--
[Scouter beeps; ♫ "Solid State Scouter" ♫] Tell-my-brother-Appule-I-love-him--!
Aaagh...!
MANGO: Eachpe! No!
Where the hell is he?
LEMI: Keep sharp! These Saiyans can pull off all kinds of tricks!
You have to be very careful--
MANGO: Got him!
Pierre! Nooo!
You dirty monkey!
LEMI: You're the one who killed him, you ass!
MANGO: Oh gee, Lemi; I never thought of it like tha--
*Shut the f*** up*!
LEMI: AAAAAAAGH! MANGO: AAAAARRGH!
BARDOCK: 'Man, I can't believe they lost to these guys!'
'What a bunch of--'
{TCHING} 'Oh sweet crap, not again!'
[Vision] KAKARROT: Kaio-ken!
BARDOCK: "Kaio-wha--"?
ARGH!
MANGO: Hiya!
[♫ "Solid State Scouter" ♫ sharply fades out] BARDOCK: UUgh...!
[vision] For years, you've kept us under your foot [...]
[vision] For years, you've kept us under your foot [...] [present] 'What...? Is that me...?'
[♫ "Solid State Scouter" fades in ♫] 'That's it!'
MANGO: NOW, DIE!
LEMI: WHAT THE FU--?!
GUAaah!
Goddammit, Mango, you team-killing f***tard!
[♫ "Solid State Scouter" cuts off ♫] LEMI: AAAARRGH...! MANGO: AAAARRGH...!
BARDOCK: 'I understand what I have to do now...'
'I'm going to raise an army.'
'We're going to rebel against Freeza.'
'And nothing is going to stop me!'
[Scouter beeps]
'What the--?'
[Dramatic sting]
DODORIA: Ooooorrr...!
BARDOCK: USELESS-ASS PSYCHIC POWERS!
DODORIA: RHOOOAAGH!
BARDOCK: ERRRAAGHAAAGHAAAGH...!
['Singing' "Another One Bites the Dust"] DODORIA: ♪ Do-do-do, another one bites the dust ♪
♪ Dodo-do-do-do, another one bites the dust ♪
♪ And another one gone, and another one gone ♪
♪ Another one bites the dust ♪
♪ Hey, I'm gonna get you too ♪
♪ Another one bites the dust... ♪
BARDOCK: [muffled] Oh, God! It's true!
You really do soil yourself when you die!
Ah, it's everywhere!
It's in my Dodoria wounds!
[Sounds of coughing; initially muffled]
Oh, well, uh, later, guys...
Off to raise that army...
Vengeance... yada, yada...
OPERATOR 1: All right, little guy. Time to send you to Planet... "Ee-arth".
OPERATOR 2: I think it's pronounced, "Earth".
OPERATOR 1: That sounds stupid.
OPERATOR 2: You're stupid!
FREEZA: So~ How did the mission go~?
DODORIA: Complete Annihilation.
ZARBON: Where are your men?
DODORIA: Complete Annihilation.
FREEZA: So, you're absolutely sure you killed every single living thing on that planet?
DODORIA: Complete...
DODORIA: Complete... Annihilation.
ZARBON: So, "Complete Annihilation", huh?
DODORIA: Uh-uh-uh-I'm sorry, Lord Freeza. I'll go take care of it right away!
FREEZA: Oh, forget about it.
He's already on a direct course for Planet S.O.L.
ZARBON: ...Planet what?
FREEZA: Huuurrgghh... *Planet*--
BARDOCK: [panting] 'Vegeta!'
'I've gotta warn King Vegeta.'
[♫ "Bad to the Bone" ♫ (radio)]
You guys!
Freeza's going to--
D'aaugh!
[Radio is turned off as Saiyans fall silent]
Who put that table there?
RANDOM SAIYAN DUDE: Dude, Bardock, are you wasted?
BARDOCK: Noo...
But my crew is.
SOME OTHER SAIYAN DUDE: You smell like poo!
BARDOCK: Listen to me! We don't have much time.
Freeza's on his way here and he plans to kill us all!
We have to raise an army, and--
RANDOM SAIYAN LADY: Your mom's an army!
[Crowd starts laughing]
BARDOCK: What are you, stupid?! Do you--?!
ANOTHER SAIYAN DUDE: Your face is stupid!
[Crowd starts laughing again]
BARDOCK: Eugh! Do you idiots even get it?
Freeza's about to commit genocide on our ENTIRE RACE!!
[Crowd is shocked into silence]
YET ANOTHER SAIYAN DUDE: Cool story, bro!
[Crowd starts laughing]
BARDOCK: You know what? F*** it! I'm done!
I hope you all die and go to HELL!
[Fading footsteps]
AND ANOTHER ONE: Wow, that guy's a douche.
BARDOCK: 'Screw them! I don't need an army.'
'I took on those elites; I can take on this tyrant!'
Freeza must be stopped... no matter the cost!
[♫ "The Touch" ♫]
♫ You got the touch ♫
♫ You got the powerrrrrrrrrr ♫
♫ Yeah! ♫
ZARBON: Lord Freeza, Bardock is approaching from the planet--
FREEZA: Waves of Freeza-soldiers...
FREEZA MOOKS: AAAAAAAGH!
DODORIA: It's raining men!
ZARBON: Hallelujah!
BARDOCK: FREEZA!
SOLDIER: Yeah! Take that--
AUGH!
BARDOCK: FREEZA!
MOOKS: EEEEGH!/AAAAGH!/[etc]
BARDOCK: FREEZAAA!
FREEZAAA!
SOLDIER: Ey yo Bardock, I'm really happy for ya, and I'ma let you finish, but--
MOOKS: BWAARGH!!
ZARBON: Sir, I think he wishes to have words.
FREEZA: Oh, what*ever* gave you that impression?
ZARBON: Well, he does keep on shouting your name.
BARDOCK: [speakers] FREEZA!
FREEZA: Just get my freaking bubble car.
ZARBON: Too bad.
And that Bardock was such a dashing rogue...
DODORIA: ...What?
[Jetsons bubble car SFX]
BARDOCK: There you are, Freeza! I've been looking for you.
FREEZA: Well, I'm not exactly *hard to find*!
BARDOCK: We've had enough of this! We're *done* working for you, Freeza!
MOOK: Uh, just so you know, that man does not speak for us!
BARDOCK: We're here to kill you, and take our planet for our own!
MOOK: Seriously, we're not with him!
BARDOCK: For years, you've kept us under your foot [...]
FREEZA: 'Ohhh *Lord*, these heroic types with their *speeches*.'
'"Blah, blah, blah, injustices."'
'"Blah, blah, blah, injustices. Blah, blah, blah, tyranny."'
'"Blah, blah, blah, injustices. Blah, blah, blah, tyranny. Blah, blah, blah, Freeza, stop killing me!"'
'*God*, does he have any idea how hard it is to run an empire?'
'I've got *other* things to do today, you know...!'
'Like decide what wine will I have for dinner tonight...'
'White wine? Red wine? Or dare I say...'
'...Rosé?'
'Oh, perhaps I should give Cooler a call. His birthday's coming up.'
'...Nah, he's a prick.'
'Wait a second, where was I?'
'Oh right; mass genocide.'
BARDOCK: [...] end your miserable life, once and for all!
Now... take this, Freeza!
The *power* of the *Saiyan race*!!
HYAAAH!
[Dramatic music fades in]
FREEZA: Hm-hm-hm-hm-hm-hm!
FREEZA: Hm-hm-hm-hm-hm-hm! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
FREEZA: Hm-hm-hm-hm-hm-hm! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
BARDOCK: 'Well, I'd say I should have seen this coming, but that would be ironic...'
{BOOOM}
'I see it... My son... He--'
[Vision] '...He's facing Freeza!'
'He's gonna do it!'
'He's going to avenge our people!'
'But, wait... Wait, there's more...'
'He fights... a giant green bug... man...'
'And then a... giant... pink... man-child...'
'...Oh, no. It's dark again! Where...? What is...?'
BON PARA: Bonparapara...
PARA PARA BROTHERS: ...bonpappa!
[Dance music booming from speakers]
BON PARA: Bonparapara, bonparapara, bonparapara, bonparapara!
DON PARA: I'm gonna lay this one down thick like whole milk!
SON PARA: Raise the cane, ra-ra, ra-ra-raise!
BON PARA: Bonparapara, bonparapara, bonparapara, bonparapara!
[Vision ends] BARDOCK: 'And I now welcome the sweet embrace of death...'
{BOOOM}
SAUZA: Monsieur Cooler!
It seems that your brother is destroying ze Planet Vegeta!
COOLER: Very impressive, killing off a bunch of monkeys.
Any liquored-up hillbilly with a shotgun could have done that at the zoo...
SAUZA: Wait, sir! It seems he has missed one ship.
We are within range to intercept--
COOLER: No. Let it go.
SAUZA: But, why?
COOLER: ...Because I'm a prick.
NARRATOR: And so, Planet Vegeta was destroyed, along with all its inhabitants...
save a lone Saiyan child...
and his brother.
...And a space pirate.
...And a renegade monster and his father.
...And, of course, Prince--
NAPPA: Vegeta!
VEGETA: What is it, Nappa?
NAPPA: Well, I've got good news... aaand bad news.
The *bad* news is...
...reports say our entire planet has been destroyed by a gigantic meteorite along with all its inhabitants.
VEGETA: Aah... but, what about--
NAPPA: Aaand your father.
VEGETA: My whole family...! My race!
NAPPA: But the good news is we're going to Dairy Queen!
VEGETA: My entire race is gone--!
NAPPA: DAIRRRY QUEEEEEN!
VEGETA: Just take me to the damn queen, Nappa.
NAPPA: Yaaaay! This seems like the beginning of a beauuuutiful friendship...
[Sounds of crying in the distance]
GRANDPA GOHAN: Oh, look. Someone threw out a perfectly good baby.
Aren't you just adorable?
I think I'm gonna call you...
"Clark".
Heeeey, Claaarrrk...
'Nah, that sounds stupid.'
Oh! How about, "Goku"?
Yes! Goku! You like that, huh? Yes, you do!
Whee!
Whee! Wheee!
Whee! Wheee! Wheeeee!
Whoops!
{THWACK}
Uh-oh...
[♫ "Cha-La Head-Cha-La" ♫]
♫ (Flash!) ♫
♫ Hikaru kumo o tsukinuke Fly Away (Fly Away) ♫ (Piercing the shining clouds, I fly away (fly away))
♫ Karadajû ni hirogaru panorama ♫ (While a panorama spreads through my body)
♫ Kao o kerareta chikyû ga okotte (okotte) ♫ (Kicked in the face, the Earth gets angry (gets angry))
♫ Kazan o bakuhatsu saseru ♫ (And makes a volcano explode)
♫ Toketa kôri no naka ni ♫ (Within the melted polar ice)
♫ Kyôryû ga itara tamanori shikomitai ne ♫ (If there’s a dinosaur, I want to train it to balance on a ball)
♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫
♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫ (With a smile that’s Ultra-Z)
♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫ (Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~)
♫ Sparking! [fading echo] ♫
[Lyrics and info courtesy of Daizenshuu EX]