- I THINK I KNOW WHY YOU'RE EXCITED.
[cheers and applause]
IT'S THE LAST DAY OF STY WEEK.
IT'S GONE.
[cheers and applause]
IT'S ALSO-- YAY, IT'S GONE.
[cheers and applause]
ALSO, IT'S DAY 7 SEVEN OF 12 DAYS OF GIVEAWAYS.
THAT'S WHAT.
[cheers and applause]
OH, YOU'RE GONNA GET SOME GREAT GIFTS,
AND HOPEFULLY YOU'LL GET SO MANY GIFTS
THAT YOU WON'T NEED TO GO TO THE MALL.
HOPEFULLY.
I HOPE.
[cheers and applause]
UGH.
GOOD LUCK IF YOU DO, THOUGH. GOOD LUCK.
LOOK TO THE PERSON TO THE LEFT OF YOU, WILL YOU?
AND THEN LOOK TO THE PERSON TO THE RIGHT.
ONE OF THEM WILL NOT COME BACK FROM THE MALL.
IT'S NOT EVEN THE MALL; IT'S THE PARKING.
THAT IS THE WORST PART OF GOING TO THE MALL.
IT'S NOT BEING IN THE MALL.
BUT I WANT TO HELP YOU PREPARE FOR THE MALL PARKING LOT,
SO I TOOK SOME PHOTOS OF THINGS THAT YOU NEED TO WATCH OUT FOR.
HERE'S THE FIRST THING THAT I SAW,
AND I'LL EXPLAIN THIS.
I CALL THIS THE WIDE LOAD.
PEOPLE WHO TRY TO FIT THEIR SUV INTO A COMPACT SPOT,
NOT EVEN TRYING.
THE LINE IS--THAT IS JUST. WHO DOES THIS?
YOU KNOW WHO IT IS?
IT'S THE SAME PEOPLE
WHO INSIST THEY STILL FIT IN THEIR CLOTHES FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
[cheers and applause]
THAT'S WHO IT IS.
[grunts]
"IT BUTTONS, HONEY. IT BUTTONS."
HERE'S SOMETHING ELSE THAT YOU NEED TO WATCH OUT FOR
IN THE PARKING LOT.
I CALL THIS THE STANDING SPOT SAVER.
HE IS SAVING THE SPOT FOR HIS WIFE,
AND THE WORST PART IS, SHE HASN'T EVEN LEFT THE HOUSE YET.
HE GOT THERE...
NOT FAIR.
I'M SURE YOU ALL KNOW THIS NEXT PERSON.
I CALL THIS PERSON THE CROSSER,
AND HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS.
YOU FOLLOW HER.
YOU THINK, "OH, SHE'S HEADING TO HER SPOT."
AND YOU'RE WATCHING HER.
SHE'S GETTING HER KEYS OUT.
SHE'S DOING EVERYTHING, AND YOU'RE EXCITED.
JUST WHEN IT LOOKS LIKE SHE'S ABOUT TO GO TO THAT CAR,
SHE CROSSES THROUGH THOSE CARS AND GOES TO THE OTHER AISLE,
SO YOU RACE AROUND TO TRY TO CATCH UP WITH HER.
YOU NEVER SEE HER AGAIN.
THEN YOU THINK YOU DO, AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"OH, THERE SHE IS."
AND IT'S A MAN WITH A PONYTAIL THAT YOU--
'CAUSE YOU HAD FORGOTTEN WHAT SHE WAS WEARING.
BUT HE'S NOT LEAVING; HE JUST GOT OFF HIS MOTORCYCLE,
BUT HE PARKED IN A FULL-SIZE SPOT.
THAT'S WHO HE IS.
AH!
HERE'S SOMETHING ELSE I SAW.
THIS IS A SWEET FAMILY,
AND BY SWEET, I MEAN,
"SWEET LORD, COULD THEY MOVE ANY SLOWER?"
WHEN YOU FOLLOW HER, IT'S GONNA BE TROUBLE.
YOU KNOW THAT AHEAD OF TIME.
SHE'S GOT A STROLLER. SHE'S GOT BAGS.
IT'S GONNA TAKE FOREVER TO GET THEM INTO THE CAR,
BUT IT'S WORTH IT 'CAUSE IT'S THE ONLY SPOT THAT'S LEFT,
AND YOU KNOW THAT.
SO FIRST SHE FOLDS UP THE STROLLER,
AND THEN SHE STARTS ORGANIZING THE TRUNK TO FIT HER BAGS IN.
AND THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
I WAS WATCHING HER DO THIS.
SHE PULLS OUT WRAPPING PAPER,
STARTS WRAPPING THE GIFTS.
THE FAMILY GETS OUT OF THE CAR.
THEY CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS RIGHT THERE IN THAT...
YOU'RE STILL WAITING. YOUR CAR IS RUNNING.
TRYING NOT TO HONK.
THE HUSBAND'S SWEATER DOESN'T FIT.
THEY GO IN TO RETURN IT.
THEY COME BACK,
AND THEN THEY NOTICE THAT YOU'RE WAITING,
AND THEY GIVE THAT CONDESCENDING,
"OH, WE'RE NOT LEAVING.
WE HAVEN'T HAD DESSERT."
THAT'S A TRUE STORY.
HOPEFULLY THAT HELPS.
[cheers and applause]
TRUE STORY.
YEAH.
TRUE STORY.
NO.
ALL RIGHT, IF YOU HAVE ANY HOLIDAY STRESS LEFT OVER,
MAYBE WE'LL DANCE RIGHT NOW, HUH?