Welcome back to the Gentleman's Gazette!
In today's video we discuss how to handle a confrontation like a gentleman.
Very few people enjoy confrontation.
It often stresses us out and it brings out the worst in us.
It's actually a unique subject to me because I live in Minneapolis, Minnesota where people
are traditionally extremely anti- confrontational.
And I'm natively from Germany where people are much more outspoken and vocal which leads
to more confrontation.
No matter where you live or how much you dislike it, you will still have to deal with confrontation
and basically there are two approaches.
You can be extremely passive aggressive or extremely aggressive.
Passive aggressive people are people who are averse to conflicts will deliberately be inefficient.
They may not communicate or they may simply pout.
On the other hand high conflict people often have an all-or-nothing attitude.
They have elements of victim blaming and they're very aggressive and they look at it more like
a battle.
In my experience neither style is productive to actually solve a conflict.
So here is how you can actually get some results.
So first of all, keep in mind that the goal of a confrontation is that you solve an issue
and improve things.
In order to get there, you need to have an open and honest conversation about the issues
without being hurtful.
So what are some common myths about confrontation especially if you think they're always bad?
I would argue confrontations are not bad.
The core is just a disagreement between one person and another.
We're all individuals and because of that there will be confrontations.
Just look at a confrontation as a starting point.
Rather than trying to avoid it and feeling bad about yourself or others or angry, it's
better to tackle the issue right on.
Avoidance will not solve your problems, they will just amplify them and make you feel bad.
You may have some bad experiences of confrontations in the past and I hear you, but that doesn't
mean that all future confrontations will end the same way especially if you utilize the
points outlined in this video.
Keep in mind that you can be assertive and kind at the same time and the choice of words
are extremely important.
So let's get to the meat.
How do you handle a confrontation like a gentleman?
It all starts with you.
Take ownership of your issues with confrontation or maybe the elements that contribute to it.
Most people I know range anywhere from being a complete pushover who goes along with anything
the other person says to a constant aggressor who always wants to tell other people what
to do and what is right.
Both extremes are unhealthy in the long run and it really helps to put you in an uncomfortable
position to try working against it.
So if you are generally more of a pushover person that is easily influenced by others
try to stand up for yourself and have not others dictate what you do.
On the other hand if you're aggressive, it may get you sometimes what you want but at
the end it just makes you a bully that is not liked by others and in the long run it
will hurt you and your reputation.
If you're mad at someone or you disagree with them chances are you have been doing something
that contributed to that situation.
If you admit that you make a mistake you don't all of a sudden lose all credibility.
On a contrary, it shows that you're self reflective and that you're open and vulnerable.
By leading with an apology and recommitting to a better outcome she will likely instill
a similar behavior with your confrontation partner.
For example, if I'm unhappy with a co-worker because he's constantly late and I feel disrespected
and I feel like my time is wasted I shouldn't just phrase it that way.
Instead you could say, "You know in the past I know I haven't always been on time for our
meetings.
I sometimes had to deal with my daughter, but I promise I'll do my best to be on time
in the future.
Lately I noticed that our meetings haven't started on time and when you come late to
meetings it really makes me feel undervalued and disrespected and I would like to ask you
to really recommit to our meetings and try to start them on time."
By making it more about you and how you feel and by avoiding extremes and superlatives,
the other person won't feel as attacked.
As a next step you can ask them what they think about it, what their feelings are that
shows them that you care about what they have to say.
Even though you might think the other person is probably to blame for an issue.
Think of it this way, you're two people and so you're 50% of the confrontation.
Take responsibility for your part and I promise you the resolution will be easier and better
for both of you.
Going with a mindset of a mutually beneficial resolution rather than I want to win and I
want to be right.
Someone with a legal background, that's quite hard but it's not good to resolve a confrontation
outside the courtroom.
Especially, if you're afraid of a conversation you may want to wait for a "good time."
The problem with that is there is no such thing as a good time for a confrontation and
the best time is right now.
Of course there's a caveat, ideally, you have a confrontation in person or at the least
over the phone.
Doing it over text message or email will just prolong the whole conflict and on top of that
it's hard to read into words because you don't see how people say things and there's no tone
to the words.
So try to have it in person or at least on the phone so people can really see what you
mean.
Also it's very important to stay calm even if the other person is riled up.
In those situations it can help to have a pause in there and just keep your composure
and don't tell them what to do but lead by example.
If someone screams at you and you scream back they have dragged you down to their level.
The next point is genuinely listen to what the other person has to say.
If you mentally prepare your answer all the while the other person is talking you're not
really absorbing what they're saying what their core issue is.
Sometimes confrontations can be easily resolved because it's just a feeling that is hurt or
something that you don't even do intentionally but you're in fact hurting another person.
To ensure they understand, you listen.
It's best to paraphrase what they said in a sentence with your own words.
In a confrontation, always stay clear of absolutes.
Using things like, "Oh you never clean the dishes," or "You always leave your socks on
the table," will not get you any further.
It also provides ammunition for the other side to point out singular cases where those
things weren't the case and then make you look like you're just over exaggerating.
Rather than blaming the other party, try to stick to "I" statements and talk about how
it makes you feel.
This not only forces you to focus on your side of the conversation but it makes
the other person feel less attacked.
For example, rather than saying, "You never show up on time."
you could say, "I feel disrespected when we can't start the meeting on time."
Do you see?
I made it about me and my feelings not about them.
If they think about it they know I feel disrespected and we start late because of them but I haven't
said that and they have made that transfer knowledge in their brain and therefore they
are more open to change.
Last but not least, try to address just one issue at a time.
It's very easy to put all kinds of different things into one argument but that will rarely
help you to resolve anything.
Ultimately there's no cooking recipe or perfect solution to resolve every conflict but these
concepts will surely help you to get a result that is mutually beneficial.
It makes you feel better about yourself, the issue and the other party.
In today's video, I'm wearing a wintery combination that consists of a jacket with patch pockets
with a medium reddish-brown herringbone pattern with notch lapels that has a very 30's style
influence.
I'm wearing it with an Edelweiss boutonniere because it's very soft and gentle.
It picks up the woolen structure of my fair isle knitted sweater in combination with my
green striped shantung tie from Fort Belvedere which you can find in our shop, here.
The shirt I'm wearing is a simple shirt in light blue.
It picks up tones of my knit vest and the pants are very contrasting off-white but it
all works together because it's a softer tone which is perfect for the fall-winter season.
My socks are shadow striped from Fort Belvedere.
Again you can find them in a shop and they pick up the tones of my shirt as well as the
vest so it ties everything together yet it contrasts the pants as well as the shoes which
are some custom patina pieces that I bought in France.
They're a little unusual there are a monk strap shoe in a non classic style but I really
like them and I had them custom polish a patina that I wanted which is a mix of tan, black,
dark brown and yellow.
My ring is a brown tiger's eye that picks up the lighter brown and medium brown tones
of the outfit thus tying it all together.
I also went with a yellow gold metal because it works better with the warmer tones than silver.