>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE," WITH COLIN JOST, AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THANK YOU.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> AND I'M COLIN JOST. WELL, IT'S ALMOST THE ONE YEAR
ANNIVERSARY OF DONALD TRUMP GETTING ELECTED PRESIDENT.
AND TO CELEBRATE, ROBERT MUELLER THREW HIM A SURPRISE PARTY.
ACCORDING TO INDICTMENT ISSUES THIS WEEK, FORMER TRUMP CAMPAIGN
MANAGER PAUL MANAFORT WHO ALSO PLAYED SHOOTER McGAVIN IN
"HAPPY GILMORE" ILLEGALLY HAD THREE U.S. PASSPORTS AND
TRAVELED WITH A PHONE HE RECOMMENDINGSTERED USING AN
ALIAS. SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S GUILTY
OF, BUT HE'S DEFINITELY GUILTY OF SOMETHING.
NO ONE HAS THREE PASSPORTS, A BURNER PHONE AND GOOD
INTENTIONS. EXCEPT MAYBE SANTA CLAUS.
PRESIDENT TRUMP LASHED OUT ON TWITTER ABOUT THE INDICTMENTS
FROM THE RUSSIA PROBE AND THE UNFAIR NEWS COVERAGE PROBABLY
AND I'M SURE HE BROUGHT UP CROOKED HILLARY AND THE DEMS
SOMEWHERE. LOOK, I HAVE GOT TO BE HONEST, I
DIDN'T EVEN READ ALL OF HIS TWEETS.
I'M TIRED OF WATCHING THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
HAVING EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWNS ON SOCIAL MEDIA LIKE HE IS TYREESE,
IT'S EMBARRASSING. IF YOU WANT TO LIVE TWEET
MORNING JOE OR CUP CAKE WARS OR WHENEVER ELSE YOU WATCH, FINE.
BUT INDICTMENTS ARE IMPORTANT. AND YOU WORK FOR US.
PUT ON YOUR BAGGY SUIT, YOUR CLIP ON TIE AND FOLD YOUR HAIR
UP NICE AND ANSWER ALL OF OUR QUESTIONS FACE TO FACE LIKE THE
PUBLIC SERVANT THAT YOU ARE. OKAY?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON TWITTER?
WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO WONDER IF OUR PRESIDENT IS COMMUNICATING
WITH US FROM HIS TOILET. >> IN RESPONSE TO THE TERRORIST
ATTACK THIS WEEK IN MANHATTAN, PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS PROMISED TO
END "THE DIVERSITY IMMIGRANT VISA LOTTERY," WHICH BY THE WAY
WAS NAMED IN ORDER TO MAKE FOX NEWS VIEWERS HEADS EXPLODE.
OBVIOUSLY THIS ATTACK WAS TERRIBLE, BUT I'M NOT SURE WE
SHOULD GET RID OF AN ENTIRE IMMIGRATION PROGRAM BASED ON THE
ACTIONS OF ONE DERANGED INDIVIDUAL.
I MEAN WE DON'T LOOK AT TRUMP AND SAY, "WE SHOULD GET RID OF
ALL PRESIDENTS." [ LAUGHTER ]
REPUBLICANS ALSO -- [ APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU. >> REPUBLICANS ALSO RELEASED
THEIR TAX PLAN THIS WEEK, WHICH EXPLAINS WHY PAUL RYAN HAS BEEN
ROCK HARD SINCE THURSDAY. RYAN SAID THAT UNDER THE NEW TAX
PLAN, A FAMILY OF FOUR WOULD SAVE OVER $1,000, WHILE A FAMILY
LIKE THIS WOULD SAVE LIKE A BILLION.
>> PAUL RYAN SAID THE NEW TAX PLAN WOULD MAKE FILING TAXES SO
SIMPLE THAT PEOPLE CAN DO THEIR TAXES ON A POSTCARD, BUT I DON'T
WANT SIMPLE TAXES BECAUSE IT PROBABLY MEANS I WILL HAVE TO
PAY EXACTLY WHAT I OWE. I WANT COMPLICATED AS HELL TAXES
ON A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT PAPERS WITH A BUNCH OF QUESTIONS SO I
CAN LIE. WHEN SOMEBODY TELLS YOU, "HEY, I
GOT A GREAT TAX GUY." THEY DON'T MEAN, HE MADE TAXES
VERY SIMPLE. THEY MEAN, "YOU ARE ABOUT TO
CLAIM YOUR FLESHLIGHT AS A DEPENDENT."
>> AIDES PLANNING PRESIDENT TRUMP'S TRIP TO ASIA HAVE WARNED
OFFICIALS IN EACH COUNTRY THAT TRUMP IS NOT COMFORTABLE WITH
NEW CUISINES AND PREFERS FAMILIAR FOODS LIKE WELL DONE
STEAK AND ICE CREAM. AND ALSO, THEY WOULD LIKE EASIER
MAZES ON HIS PLACE MAT. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ] >> LOOK, I DON'T KNOW IF THIS
TRIP IS GOOD FOR ASIA BUT IT'S DEFINITELY GOING TO BE GREAT FOR
COMEDY. I MEAN THIS IS THE GUY WE ARE
SENDING TO ASIA. >> DING DING, BONG BONG.
>> WHAT COULD GO WRONG? >> THIS WEEK SAW THE FIRST
ARREST IN ROBERT MUELLER'S RUSSIA INVESTIGATION.
HERE TO COMMENT ON THE SITUATION, OUR FIRST SONS ERIC
AND DONALD TRUMP JR. >> YES.
THANK YOU. THANKS FOR HAVING US.
>> YOU ARE WELCOME. >> I WAS TALKING TO COLIN,
BUDDY. WE ARE HIS GUESTS, RIGHT.
COLIN, WE WOULD LIKE TO MAKE IT VERY CLEAR THAT OUR FATHER
DID NOTHING WRONG. PEOPLE WHO BARELY WORKED FOR HIM
DID, BUT DAD KNEW NOTHING ABOUT IT.
AND THE SAME GOES FOR ERIC AND MYSELF.
>> YEAH. I DEFINITELY BELIEVE THAT ERIC
HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS GOING ON. >> EXACTLY.
>> AND LOOK, PAUL MANAFORT WAS AND RICK GATES, WE BARELY KNEW
THESE GUYS. AND AS FOR THIS LAST GUY,
GEORGE -- >> DOCTOR OCTOPUS.
>> NO, BUDDY, IT'S NOT GEORGE DOCTOR OCTOPUS.
IT'S GEORGE PAPADOPOULOS. >> GEORGE.
>> PAPADOPOULOS. >> PAPA.
>> DOPOLUS. >> ALL RIGHT.
ANYWAY, PAPADOPOULOS WAS A PITY HIRE, COLIN.
HE GOT COFFEE. HE WAS A GLORIFIED INTERN.
>> HE WAS MY BOSS. >> NO, HE WASN'T YOUR BOSS.
>> SO YOU GUYS ARE NOT WORRIED ABOUT THIS MUELLER
INVESTIGATION? >> WHO ROBERT MUELLER SHOULD BE
INVESTIGATED, COLIN, IS HILLARY CLINTON.
AS WE LEARNED FROM DONNA BRAZILEE, CROOKED HILLARY AND
COMPANY DID SOME SHADY BACK ROOM DEALS WITH THE RUSSIANS.
AND TRIED TO RIG THE ELECTION IN HER FAVOR.
>> JUST LIKE DAD. >> ERIC, YOU WANT TO EAT SOME OF
YOUR HALLOWEEN CANDY, BUDDY? >> I ALREADY HAD MY THREE PIECES
TODAY. >> THAT'S OKAY.
IT IS A SPECIAL OCCASION. >> OKAY.
>> DIVE RIGHT IN. >> COLIN, THE BOTTOM LINE IS
THIS. NOBODY IN MY FATHER'S INNER
CIRCLE -- ERIC? ERIC, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BUD?
IT'S FUN DIP, MAN. THERE IS SUGAR IN THERE.
>> WHERE? >> YOU ZIP THE STICK IN THE
SUGAR, SEE? THERE IS SUGAR.
>> LIKE THIS. >> DIP IT IN.
ALL RIGHT. LOOK.
RIGHT? LOOK, EVERYTHING OUR FATHER HAS
DONE, AND OUR FAMILY HAS DONE IS COMPLETELY ABOVE BOARD.
AND NOW WE'D LIKE TO FOCUS, COLIN -- IT'S GOOD, RIGHT?
NOT TOO MUCH, YOU ARE GOING TO BE UP LATE, BUDDY.
WE WOULD LIKE TO FOCUS ON IMPORTANT THING LIKE BRAND-NEW
DEALS WITH THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION AND GETTING A
LITTLE BRO TIME LIKE THE HUNTING TRIP WE TOOK LAST WEEK.
>> I SHOT A DEER. >> YOU SURE DID.
DO YOU WANT TO SHOW COLE CONTINUE DEER YOU SHOT, BUTD
BUDDY. >> UH-HUH.
>> LOOK AT THAT. RIGHT HERE.
RIGHT IN THE G, BUDDY. PROUD OF YOU.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY IS SO GOOD WITH A GUN?
>> I CANNOT. ERIC AND DONALD TRUMP JR.,
EVERYONE.