Reddit Relationships Cheating, UPDATE: Caught wife of 18 years.
Cheating.
Hey, everyone hope you're doing well.
And coping with the struggle of infidelity.
I wanted to post a quick follow-up I posted on here about a month
after D-Day heartbroken and traumatized, but hopeful that we
would find a path forward together.
Despite the actions I was understanding and wanted it to work.
I in many ways, forgave her responses to the post unanimously, where
to end it and head for the Hills.
There was no recovery.
I remember how disheartening this was.
I just wanted hope and encouragement.
People were saying I was doing the pick me dance.
You know what, they were not wrong.
She continued the affair, and despite thousands of dollars on therapy,
she kept the relationship alive.
And now after two years of heartbreak and a year of
separation, we are getting divorced.
So folks, I hate to say it, but a cheater is always a cheater.
I am open to chatting about my experience with anyone, would love
to be the voice of hope for you.
As bleak as it may be. UPDATE: 1. She has not worked at the
same company since last spring.
Outing her to the company is not an option. 2. I am not/ have not informing
the AP's spouse of what has taken place.
At this point.
We are divorced, within weeks.
It will be final, and not worth any fallout.
I am moving on.
If he wants to sort out his own marriage, that's on him.
Like many others have mentioned here.
You need to tell AP's wife.
I have been in her situation and I'm forever grateful.
I was told, imagine how many times he's done this to his wife.
She deserves to know, so she can make her own choices.
Actually, it's easy to understand.
Answer is, the person you knew and love secretly left through a long time ago.
This means the new person in their body does not love you.
So, like invasion of the body, snatchers, you see the person you
love and keep giving them love.
But in reality, an alien body changes now in front of you.
And this alien has other plans.
This new personality, the alien in their body does not really
care about you at all, but you might be comfortable for them.
So they stay.
So, it is an easy answer.
They, this new person or alien does not give a shit about you.
They just enjoy the comfort you give and want to avoid the personal discomfort.
or financial loss of a divorce.
Just reviewed your story, and honestly, it hurts to read it as bad as the actual acts are.
It is the lying that is the real killer.
Yours is sadly common in which humans are desperate for security
and at odds with the high desire for excitement and discovery.
Takes real awareness between both people, but, even then, certain
things are beyond our control.
Do you feel that if she had been honest from the beginning and saw separation
before she had cheated that your relationship now would be different?
I mean, not married, but some form of friendly.
Well, that might be true.
People need to unpack and unravel their lives at their pace.
If only it were as easy as just taking a chainsaw to a relationship
and ending it in one fell swoop, life doesn't happen that way.
For us who have been betrayed, there are days I'm sure we all wish it were
that easy to just move on, would save us a shit load of pain and anguish,
but, it isn't, people need to satisfy for themselves that they did what they needed.
And could do to try, human nature.
I hear you.
One person's timeline is not going to be everyone's timeline, far from it.
And I know this, I reconciled and honestly, I know people thought
I was flat out nuts, smile.
I needed to do what I needed to do for various reasons.
Lots of various reasons.
Lives are complicated.
A bulldozer wouldn't have pulled me off my determination to do
what I need to do at the time.
Yeah.
Now years later, there are things I wish I could go back and do
differently, but at the time I know nothing would have changed my mind.
I got to where I am now because of what and where that journey led and ended up.
That's what each of us have to do.
When you get out on the other end of this, wherever that may be or
lead, how you fare out is because of the journey you needed to take.
Best wishes.
Do not keep her secret for her. Do not offer any concessions or protections or consideration.
She isn't legally due.
This isn't the woman.
You thought you married, and I'm sorry, you're here, for some, separating,
the person you loved with the person you're dealing with now, helps
Another angle is treating that person as if they're gone and mourning them.
And this is an imposter in their place.
The sooner you treat her like an adversary.
The better, you can co-parent divide assets and go your separate ways
respectfully, but she's still very much going to milk you for all your worth.
Give her no more than she's taken.
I was divorced for a year and I was contacted by the partner of a man having
an affair with my ex wife, my ex-wife and the man had a relationship years
before, the poor woman did not know this.
And I was able to fill in a whole lot of blank spaces, but it was nice for once
to not be hurt by my ex-wife's antics.
I offered support and practical advice, and we ended up in a
relationship for six months.
It ended.
Bad timing, but I still wonder why the hell the dumb ass cheated on her.
She was sexy, smart, hardworking, and funny.
And he had been lucky to have her.
I'd date her again if I was single.
So my vote is, tell cheats prosper in the absence of knowledge.
Wait, wait, wait, what is this nonsense from your therapist?
What reason is he or she giving for keeping something like
this from an innocent person?
Please, let me know.
The AP is not only stepping out on the marriage.
But it's putting his annoying wife at risk for disease.
Odds are, your soon to be ex-wife isn't the only other woman, what
you continue to do is your decision.
But, if it were me, I would gather up some evidence of the affair and call her
to arrange a meeting at a nice public place so that she feels no need to worry.
It's not even about being vindictive with regards to the AP.
It's about another victim having no idea what's going on.
I don't get your mindset here, man.
Please give me some type of answer.
Your therapist has allowed a victim to suffer unknowingly for two needless years.
Nothing has changed.
She has just invested more time into someone who isn't investing in her.
Your therapist is either an adulterer and therefore projecting or a fool.
Now your marriage is done and another likely destroyed right along with it.
Both you and your therapist are effectively co-conspirators
in this scenario now.
If I'm her, my first question to you will be, after the initial shock.
Why now?
Why the hell didn't you tell me years ago she would be pissed at
him after the initial immediate denial and could be pissed at you.
And she will have a right to be.
Regardless.
She needs to know be a champion for the right thing.
If you want to ask your attorney, that's fine.
I can see the logic of that, but day one of the next chapter in your
life needs to include that task.
A sad story OP, but very predictable.
Yes.
She cheated on you, a lot, but from the time you found out about it and gave her a
second chance, which she immediately blew.
No pun intended.
It was all on you.
They never change.
If they have been discovered, they never give their AP up.
It just doesn't happen.
But, well done on being courageous and coming back here to warn others.
So many feel trapped in that, will I, or won't I phase.
They give their cheaters second, third, fourth chance.
And they all do it again.
Well done again and good luck.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. This statement has held true with time for if one's own morals, values, and integrity.
Aren't aligned with their partners.
Eventually, the bridge will give way.
If someone stays with a cheater is something like 300, 400% increased chance
that they'll cheat on their partner.
Again.
Especially if no remorse is shown and the individual has to get
caught for them to speak the truth.
These days I'm even one to believe that a non remorseful cheater will
do it again to a future partner.
Why wouldn't they they've done it before?
Why not?
Again?
Regardless.
I'm sorry you went through this.
You deserve better.
You still deserve better.
I hope you're able to find your own path and succeed in life, whether
that's with or without a partner.
Good luck to your brother.