Let's chat today a little bit about the importance of accountability without blame.
We all know that it's important to take accountability for our choices, this
isn't the same as blaming ourselves. I think blame is a victim kind of a
paradigm so we want to get away from blame. How do we take accountability
without slipping into that victim blaming mode? So there's four questions
that I will recommend here and just go with me on this, see if you can make this
apply to your situation. Here's a scenario that will help us to envision
this, I've got a very busy street right outside of my office, let's say that I
take a little walk at lunchtime just out there to enjoy the weather or whatever,
right? And I'm walking down State Street and as I'm walking down State Street, a
car pulls over, two guys jump out, beat me up, steal my wallet and my phone and then
drive off. Now that's the scenario and this is analogous to a lot of things
that can happen to us in our life because sometimes things happen, right?
Sometimes you get beat up or things are stolen so connect with whatever that is
for you. Now here's the questions question.. Number one, how is this about me?
Every incident has a personal and an impersonal component. To focus on how is
this about me, the question is all about what part is mine? What part of this is
personal? This is obvious, okay. The personal part is, it is me, it happened to
me, it's my bruises, it's my lost wallet and
phone. It is me, that's the personal part. Beyond that, it's not about me, it's about
the poor decision of a couple of thugs that just mugged me. You're with me on
this? So what part of this is about me? See where we're going with that? We need
to get clear about that because that's going to help us with the other questions.
How is this about me? Alright, question number two, how did I
create this? This is not where we slip into blame and say, oh, I'm at fault for
all of this. It's not about that, it's what part did I play in bringing this
about? So how did I create this thing with the State Street example? I took a
walk down State Street, notice I'm not saying that I did anything wrong, I'm not
saying I'm to blame for this thing happening, I'm not releasing these two
thugs for their poor choice, I'm simply acknowledging what's my part
and my part was, I chose to take a little walk down State Street, doesn't mean that
I did the wrong thing. This one's a little tough for some people because it
feels like you're taking full responsibility for the event. No, all
you're doing is taking responsibility for your part and that's the only part
that you can have any control over. Let's move on to question number three. What
can I learn from this? Now this is a great question because it acknowledges
the value of every experience that we have. I think that there's a learning
value in every experience. Sometimes especially those painful ones, right?
Let's be intentional though about how we answer this question because some of the
answers might not be as helpful as others so for example, what if I were to
learn from this that I should never take a walk? Do you see how that's not very
adaptive? It's not very bright either. There's nothing wrong with my choice to
take a walk. Now what if I could learn from this that there are some inherent
risks when I choose to take a walk? Well, sure, that might be a helpful thing to
learn from this because then I can take appropriate precautions or whatever it
is, right? And maybe I was being cautious enough, it doesn't mean that I did
anything wrong but what can I learn from this? Another example, sometimes the
difficult things that we go through give us an opportunity to learn compassion
and empathy for other folks who go through this.
I think I shared with you on another video, I went through some really
challenging financial struggles about ten years ago and I ended up in a
situation that I always thought before was only happening to people who are
flakes or dishonest or just clueless about life. I have a whole lot more
empathy now because I've been through it so that question number three also helps
us to move on to the fourth one, I'll get to that in just a minute. What can I
learn from this, powerful, acknowledge the value of every experience you have and
especially the painful ones. Okay, let's move on to question number four. What is
my commitment to myself and other people moving forward? What is my commitment
moving forward? This is where we get to take whatever experience we've just had
and what we've learned from it with an intentional purposeful commitment to now
move forward and use that somehow productively in our own life and to
bless and enrich the lives of other people. This is what I'm thinking about
is accountability and it starts kind of hard because you have to ask those first
two questions. How is this about me? How did I create this? See, as you own your
own part then you can move in to the value of what can I learn from this and
what is my commitment moving forward. That way, we can stay in an
accountability place without slipping into blame. Okay, I hope you don't get
mugged while you're walking down State Street but if you do, at least you can be
accountable without blame.