- My motto is, "Don't put off till tomorrow
what you can do today."
- My motto is, "Don't put off till tomorrow
what you can put off till the day after tomorrow."
- Okay, I'll go to the doctor
for the injury I sustained on the table saw, eventually.
But it's, like, I know what's wrong.
What is a doctor gonna do? Magically grow me a new hand?
- The secret to my success?
I've been putting off going to therapy
to process the trauma of losing my sixth-grade spelling bee
on the word "millionaire" for the past 20 years.
I'm doing other things instead.
Like becoming a millionaire.
- Oh, crap. I missed a call from my buddy Jason.
I haven't talked to him in a while.
Eh, I'll call him later.
Eh, I'll call him tomorrow. It's just too late.
Uh, eh, it's Friday.
I'll try him on Monday.
(foreboding music)
Okay, day one of the diet.
Oh my gosh, Trader Joe's has pumpkin spice cinnamon rolls?
My diet starts tomorrow.
Oh, you guys wanna go to Gluttonous Gabby's Gastropub
for dinner, sure!
My diet starts tomorrow.
You know, it's only like a few more weeks
until the holidays, so,
my diet starts next year.
- Okay, just tell me which of these two strategies
makes more sense to you:
spreading your work over 40 hours a week,
or compressing it all into three hours on Friday afternoon
after your boss tells you he's gonna fire you
if you don't have it all done by end of day?
Hmm?
Honey, the Instagrams are not gonna scroll themself.
- My crowning achievement in life
was waiting to write a history paper
until 10 minutes before it was due
without having done any of the required reading
and still getting a passing grade.
I felt euphoric!
And I have been chasing
that procrastinator's high ever since.
- You know, what really keeps me working hard
is knowing that others are depending on me.
- If you are depending on me working hard,
you need to look at your life, look at your choices.
You took a wrong turn somewhere.
- All right, let's start this project.
By making a to-do list.
Okay, item number one on the to-do list:
"Start the to-do list."
Well, that's great.
I'll just cross that one off.
I'm practically speedrunning through this.
- All right, I'm headed out to take my driver's test, guys.
I didn't take the time to actually practice driving at all,
but I've played a lot of Mario Kart, so I think I'm Gucci.
Although if there are any of those banana peels
out on the driving course, I am screwed,
'cause those things get me every time.
- Well, your boy graduated college.
I guess it's time for me to enter the real world
and get a job.
Or I could just go back to school and get another degree.
- Well, I've gotten a lot done today.
I baked a cake for my friend's birthday,
did a Pilates workout,
and even volunteered at a homeless shelter.
Which could become my new home because I'm unemployed
and too tired to fill out any job applications tonight.
- (groans) I really need to call Jason back.
I don't even think I can call him back at this point
'cause it's been so long, it's just too awkward.
What could he have been calling about?
Surely if it was important, he woulda called again.
Right?
Jason must think I am a horrible human being
for not calling him back.
If he's alive.
What if I call him back and he doesn't answer
'cause he's dead?
And he's got like a voicemail message that's like,
"If you're hearing this message, it means I'm gone."
Jason!
I can't call him back now, 'cause I can't handle it
if he doesn't answer 'cause he's dead!
- Hey, what are you up to?
- Working. - Working on what?
- The billion-dollar corporation that I'm gonna create.
At some point. - You're sitting in the dark.
- It's called planning.
- You're watching YouTube.
- It's called market research.
- You're watching Dr. Phil!
- All right, will you stop distracting me so I can work?
- Goodbye. - Oh my gosh.
Did Steve Jobs have to put up with this kinda distraction
when he was creating Apple?
Somehow I doubt it.
- Okay, I will admit one thing I have been putting off
for a long time is a vacation.
- Oh fudge, I just remembered
I'm supposed to go to Italy next week,
but I kept putting off renewing my passport.
Do you think they'll make an exception for me
if I'm, like, really charming?
- Well, I got my master's degree.
I guess it's really time for me to enter the real world.
♪ I'm the pro procrastinator ♪
♪ No one's ever been greater ♪
♪ I can take any task and I can leave it till later ♪
♪ Uh, yeah, ooh ♪
- Cool. Where's your essay?
- Got my exam in the morning.
I'd better start studying.
I'll make a cup of tea first.
Oh my gosh, I can't study in a room that's this cluttered.
(whistling merrily) (lively music)
Ah, there we are. Nice and tidy.
These walls, they need a fresh coat of paint.
Oh, good thing the hardware store's still open.
- I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna call Jason back after 10 years.
(line ringing)
- Hello? - Jason, it's me!
I'm returning your call!
- Oh my gosh, you finally called back! I can't believe it!
- Yes, I'm sorry, I just...
I just let it get away from me.
- Oh, it's okay.
- So why did you call?
- Oh, I just wanted to catch up.
You know, just chitty-chat.
So what's been going on for the past 10 years?
Tell me everything. I'll get the ball rolling.
Well, going back to what I was gonna tell you
when I originally called you, let's see, oh right,
that's when, that Friday, before that,
I went bowling with the guys.
In the first frame, I got seven,
second frame I got nine, just missed a split,
then between the second and third frames
I got some popcorn from the concession stand.
It was really good, little greasy.
It actually went through the bag.
It got on my jacket.
The jacket got a little stained so I went to the management
and I was like, "Hey, what are you gonna do about this?
My jacket's all stained."
And he was like, "Uh, that's your fault.
It's not mine. You're an idiot."
- Welp, you can call me Doctor now,
'cause I got my doctorate degree.
But you know, two PhDs is really where it's at nowadays.
- I hate procrastinating.
It causes me so much stress.
I can't stand that feeling
of knowing you're hard up against a deadline
with way too much work to do and it's all your fault
because you had all the time in the world to do it
but you did a bunch of other meaningless tasks instead.
(breathes deeply)
Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta edit this video,
make a thumbnail, and upload it to YouTube
in the next 30 minutes.
♪ They say a stranger's come to town ♪
♪ They call him Mr. Frank James ♪