And now we're going to Brazil. Let's go. Okay.
Brazil is pronounced that manual. Is that your name?
Yes. Thank you for having me. Uh, good afternoon.
Good afternoon. All right. Uh,
I have been following you guys, your, your board, uh,
for about three months and it really helped me a lot.
Um, my wife is with me. We are together for about 15 and 15 years
and, uh, we have two kids four and two years.
Uh, last may.
She got involved in her first emotional affair
and that was very tough to her.
And she asked for divorce immediately.
I try to tell her that it's a
human thing too, that can happen. Uh,
sure. She did, uh,
a mistake to allow that person to enter in her life.
Uh, however, it had happened to me seven years ago,
so I find myself in a position
that I could help her to the past two
degrees pass through the, uh,
the blame to the passion and really focused
and love.
So I spent the last five months with my family,
tried to work with the PI to work with the family,
helping with the house and, um,
talking a lot and far reject me.
She starts to allow me to interact with her and we dated several
times.
We reconnected for two weeks in a row
and later disconnected.
It's she's out sick.
And she continues to think about her emotional affair,
which is not in contact. I mean, the person,
uh, didn't allow her to continue the emotional affair, the person,
the person who's also marriage has missed her. Right?
Uh, so now they are moving out in three weeks.
I did everything that I could, everything there.
And somehow should say that we are going to be in contact forever.
Mainly do the kids have the kids, we have a family together.
So do you think she's still got a hope within her mind that somehow she's going
to get back together with this other guy?
Do you think she thinks that's going to happen at point?
Yes. Okay. So she asked me for few times,
few months to her,
her feelings for me,
or for that other person to show up.
And, uh, yes, she really thinks that that person will rich,
rich her. So he,
she worked at on pies without knowing anything
about buys. So she became more directed. She became everything,
but she attracted me emotional affair.
Okay. So let me say, let me tell you what I'm hearing. Then.
What I'm hearing you say is that he has cut off contact with her because he
wants to stay in his marriage. Did I hear you say that? Is that correct?
Okay. But somehow she's holding out hope. That is somehow some way she's,
she's so focused on him now, understand that,
that this kind of relationship, this, this,
what we use a word for a thing like this,
we call it limerence that limericks typically ends in one of three ways.
One way is that the people actually get together. And once they get together,
limerence begins to fade.
But what I'm hearing you say is that's not going to happen here.
The second way that limerence ends is that one of them stops reciprocating,
that one of them stops giving the emotional feedback to the other,
which is what you're describing here.
And it's not unusual that when one of them pulls away, like he did like,
I'm going to work on my marriage. I'm not going to contact you anymore.
It's not unusual that when that person pulls away,
that the other person actually intensifies his or her emotion,
it actually gets stronger. It gets increased dramatically.
And it's because of the fact that now they've said, had this sense of loss,
like you're going to get away. And the fear,
the fear that comes with that actually intensifies the emotions
and make them even stronger and bigger. And so even when there's a false hope,
like, okay, I'm staying with my wife.
I'm not going to be with you and her having a false hope that somehow they're
going to work that out. That, that strong,
strong emotion continues for a while,
but it won't continue forever. It would only,
it would only continue for a long period of time.
If a person is mentally unstable.
Now I'm going to assume that your wife is not middling unstable.
Which means that even though it's intensive that and gotten stronger now to the
point, like a couple of weeks with you, and then no, no, no, wait a minute. I,
I, I'm in love with him. I'm going to be with him.
We're going to move away from you. Maybe we'll come out to you someday.
If this doesn't work out, but I'm really going to chase him. All of that,
all of that occurs because of the fact that he's pulled away and she's
intensified, but at some point that's going to peak.
And when that peaks it's going to start then eroding,
and she's going to go through a grief process. I think I heard,
you mentioned the word grief already. She's going to go through a grief process.
And so while I'm sure is scary right now that she wants to move out and
it's like, this looks like it's all headed in the wrong direction.
You actually can have some hope in this. If indeed,
that other guy continues not to want to be part of it.
If he holds true to his marriage,
if he doesn't come back with some kind of reciprocity back to your wife,
if he doesn't somehow feed that emotion in her, if he really excludes her,
this is going to end. Now the thing that's important and it, Kimberly,
we talk about this all the time is that when it ends,
that does not necessarily mean that the other person comes right back because of
the fact that they do all kinds of things like vilifying, rewriting history,
et cetera. And so what we recommend to you Manuel,
is that don't panic that she's moving out. Don't try to control her clean.
You say you've done everything. You can good keep doing that.
Because if you practice the past, if you practice the being the safe place,
et cetera, when this other thing finally crashes and burns, which it's going to,
it will do that. If he does not respond to her at some point, he's going to end,
then you, by doing the pies and doing the safe place, et cetera,
continue to become more attractive, not so much immediately today,
but with time so that when,
if he eventually accepts the fact that's not going to happen.
When she finally graduates, you want to be the best alternative,
but she looks around at you and goes, what was I thinking?
How can I lead this man? He's so good. He's so loving. He's. So can now,
am I making that make any sense to you? Kimberly? I'll ask that first.
Doesn't make sense. Okay. And so can you clarify a little bit? Yeah.
You know, a lot of times people say, well,
if my spouse would just end the affair, then we'll be able to fix the marriage.
They'll come back and we'll work this through.
The reason that doesn't always work is because even if the affair ends,
depending on the way the marriage was the way that the,
the spouse who's standing, as we S so to say, um,
the spouse who didn't have the affair,
they might not look like the better option being alone might feel to the
spouse who had the affair,
like a better option than going back to the relationship and the marriage that
they were in. So what we want to encourage you to do is be the better option.
The word alternative can sometimes get people angry because they're saying, no,
I don't want to, I'm not the alternative. I'm the first, well,
just take that word out. We just want you to be the best option for your spouse,
but we want them to look at you and say,
I would rather be with them than be alone, as opposed to,
I would rather be alone than to go back to what that marriage was,
what that relationship was, what my spouse is like.
And when you work on the pies and you work on the smart contact and you work on
all these things, even when your wife is either,
either involved with someone else or hoping to be involved with someone else,
you're giving yourself the best chance of that happening being the better
option.
Right? So I'm impressed with what you've done so far. You man, uh,
understand the fear that while they're gonna move out in two or three weeks,
what am I going to? But based on what you've said,
and that's all we can go on is how you described it based on what you said.
You've got a good chance that this is going to work out with a little time. Now,
obviously I can't get him to read that, but based on what I'm hearing,
I think you've got to shout at this.
If that guy does not feed back to her,
if he continue just to stay away and you continue to do the things that you're
learning, then at some point I'm predicting that at some point,
she's going to come to her senses and come back to you and want to make a good
marriage. Now I wish I could guarantee it. I can't,
but I'm certainly predicting it. Okay. As what we're saying,
making any sense to you at all. Anyway.
I bet one thing, just one thing that I want to add that is scaring me
that somehow she she'll ride, uh,
declare that she wants to try new partners
because like most of like a rebounder,
we knew possible partners and that is just,
she just poke with me in such a calm way.
The church theater way that's fed. Wow.
Okay.
Yeah. Well, sure. Scary to hear. I understand that by the way, many. Well,
that's not unusual that that when a person is in limerence,
I'm going to assume that she is, and this thing, we come a limerence.
If they can't have the Limerick object, what we call the hello knit,
that's not going to happen.
Then often before turning back to the spouse,
they actually will go a third direction. They'll try this other person.
Almost always. I mean,
I'm talking about nearly every single time that doesn't work.
It may be something that they actually get involved in for a little while.
It may be just something they don't get involved in at all. They think about it,
but it doesn't happen if it does happen. It may last a few weeks.
It could even last a couple of months,
but because of the fact that this third person,
this new partner is not that limited object.
And eventually they accept the fact that this person is not that limited object.
They fade from that. So why am I scary? I understand that scary. Uh,
and it may mean that she'll go an extra step going further away from you and not
realize that if that happens, you have a choice. I mean, you could any point,
you can say, you want to end this, but I'm predicting that if she does that,
that's not going to work very well for her.
And it's still going to come back to where it was before. My prediction is,
at some point,
if you keep doing the things you're doing now that you continue to have a good
chance that she's going to come back to you and you know,
I know it's going to hurt if she goes to the other person and you may decide,
that's it. I don't want anything else to do with it. I'm going to get rid of it,
get rid of her if she does that, you have all those choices,
but don't panic that she's thinking about a new partner it's kind of par for the
course. It happens a lot because they're chasing a feeling basically. Yeah.
They're chasing a feeling that it's, it's almost, it's not the same thing,
but it's almost like, you know, we know that people, when they, um,
if they do crack, the first crack or result is so high,
that then they wound up chasing that high. Right.
And they never ever get it again. And so, yeah,
basically she will be chasing that high that came with limerence,
but it's not going to work. Right. That's not going to fulfill her now.
Is it possible? A person could just keep chasing, keep chasing. Yes.
That's a possibility. But most of the time,
most of the time they tried that it doesn't work and then look around and go,
what have I done in my life?
And that's what I'm hoping is going to happen with manual and with her,
I really hope that happens for them. I do.
[Inaudible].