WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
( CHEERS )
"THINGS CAN'T POSSIBLY GET ANY WORSE."
AND EVERY DAY, DONALD TRUMP SAYS, "HOLD MY FILET-O-FISH."
"I'M GOING IN."
TODAY IS TUESDAY.
YESTERDAY, MONDAY, THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION FINALIZED PLANS
TO WEAKEN THE ENDANGERED SPECIES ACT.
( BOOING ) FOR REACTION, LET'S GO TO THE
AMERICAN BALD EAGLE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: YOU GET HIM.
YOU GET HIM.
GAW!
THERE IS ONE SMALL PIECE OF GOOD NEWS IN THIS STORY: THE RULES
ARE NOT RETROACTIVE TO PAST ENDANGERED SPECIES.
SO IF YOU'RE ALREADY EXTINCT, NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
YOU'RE GOOD TO GO.
THE ADMINISTRATION ALSO ANNOUNCED ON MONDAY THAT,
STARTING IN OCTOBER, POOR IMMIGRANTS WILL BE DENIED
PERMANENT LEGAL STATUS IF THEY ARE DEEMED LIKELY TO USE
GOVERNMENT BENEFIT PROGRAMS.
REALLY?
( BOOING ) BECAUSE I KNOW OF AT LEAST ONE
IMMIGRANT LADY WHO LIVES IN REALLY NICE PUBLIC HOUSING AND
PRETTY MUCH ONLY WORKS ON CHRISTMAS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
I GUESS EASTER, TOO.
EASTER.
THE PLAN WAS UNVEILED BY HEAD OF IMMIGRATION SERVICES, AND "JUST
FOR MEN" BOX, KEN CUCCINELLI.
THE COOCH DEFENDED THIS POLICY TARGETING LATINOS WHEN ASKED IF
IT WOULD TARGET LATINOS.
>> WHY SHOULDN'T THE LATINO COMMUNITY FEEL TARGETED BY THIS?
>> THE SAME QUESTION MIGHT HAVE BEEN ASKED WHEN MY ITALIAN
IMMIGRANTS WERE COMING, IMMIGRANT ANCESTORS WERE COMING.
IF WE HAD BEEN HAVING THIS CONVERSATION 100 YEARS AGO, IT
WOULD HAVE APPLIED TO MORE ITALIANS.
>> Stephen: (AS CUCCINELLI) "LUCKILY, WE'RE NOT HAVING THIS
CONVERSATION 100 YEARS AGO, OR ELSE I WOULDN'T BE HERE TODAY TO
PULL UP THE LADDER BETWEEN ME AND MY FAMILY.
SUCK IT, HISPANICS!
YOU'VE BEEN COOCHED!"
RIGHT ON TIME.
THEN A REPORTER ASKED CUCINNELLI IF THIS NEW RULE GOES AGAINST
THE POEM ON THE STATUE OF LIBERTY, AND HE SAID THIS:
>> I'M CERTAINLY NOT PREPARED TO TAKE ANYTHING DOWN OFF THE
STATUE OF LIBERTY.
WE-- WE HAVE A LONG HISTORY OF BEING ONE OF THE MOST WELCOMING
NATIONS IN THE WORLD.
I DO NOT THINK, BY ANY MEANS, WE'RE READY TO TAKE ANYTHING OFF
THE STATUE OF LIBERTY.
>> Stephen: (AS CUCCINELLI) "WE DON'T WANT TO TAKE ANYTHING
AWAY FROM THAT POEM.
ULTIMATELY WE WANT TO JUST ADD ONE WORD:
'PSYCH!'"
TRUMP WEIGHED IN ON THESE CHANGES ON HIS WAY TO
PENNSYLVANIA.
AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EXTRA LOUD EPISODE
OF "CHOPPER TALK."
( APPLAUSE )
"RED TACHOPPER TALK.
TRUMP WASN'T AT THE WHITE HOUSE TODAY.
HE WAS AT HIS GOLF RESORT IN BEDMINSTER, NEW JERSEY.
SO INSTEAD OF THE SPACIOUS WHITE HOUSE LAWN, HE HELD THE PRESS
CONFERENCE SIX INCHES FROM THE WHIRRING BLADES.
AND HE HAD THIS TO YELL ABOUT HIS NEW IMMIGRATION POLICY:
>> I DON'T THINK IT'S FAIR TO HAVE THE AMERICAN TAXPAYER-- YOU
KNOW, IT'S ABOUT AMERICA FIRST.
I DON'T THINK IT'S FAIR TO HAVE THE AMERICAN TAXPAYER PAY FOR
PEOPLE TO COME INTO THE UNITED STATES.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "AMERICAN TAXPAYERS SHOULD ONLY
COVER THE IMPORTANT STUFF, LIKE MY HELICOPTER RIDES TO AND FROM
THE GOLF."
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
EPSTEIN, AND HE DEFENDED A CONSPIRACY THEORY ABOUT THE
CLINTONS KILLING EPSTEIN THAT THE PRESIDENT HIMSELF RETWEETED,
WHICH WAS ORIGINALLY POSTED BY COMEDIAN TERRENCE K. WILLIAMS.
>> HE'S A VERY HIGHLY RESPECTED CONSERVATIVE PUNDIT.
HE'S A BIG TRUMP FAN.
THAT WAS A RETWEET.
THAT WASN'T FROM ME.
THAT WAS FROM HIM.
BUT HE'S A MAN WITH HALF A MILLION FOLLOWERS.
A LOT OF FOLLOWERS.
AND HE'S RESPECTED.
>> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, IT WAS FROM YOU.
A RETWEET IS FROM YOU.
THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.
"WHAT?
I DIDN'T STAB YOU.
THAT WAS SOMEBODY ELSE'S KNIFE.
I RE-STABBED YOU.
AND, BY THE WAY, THE GUY WHOSE KNIFE I USED?
A VERY RESPECTED STABBER."
SECOND OF ALL, TRUMP DOUBLED DOWN ON THE "IT COULD HAVE BEEN
BILL."
>> DO YOU REALLY THINK THE CLINTONS ARE INVOLVED IN
JEFFREY EPSTEIN'S DEATH?
>> I HAVE NO IDEA.
THE QUESTION YOU HAVE TO ASK IS "DID BILL CLINTON GO TO THE
ISLAND?" BECAUSE EPSTEIN HAD AN ISLAND.
THAT WAS NOT A GOOD PLACE, AS I UNDERSTAND.
I WAS NEVER THERE.
YOU HAVE TO ASK, "DID BILL CLINTON GO TO THE ISLAND?"
THAT'S THE QUESTION.
IF YOU FIND THAT OUT, YOU'RE GOING TO KNOW A LOT.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "DID BILL CLINTON GO TO THE
ISLAND?
DID HILLARY HIDE HER EMAILS ON THAT ISLAND?
COULD-- COULD THAT BE THE ISLAND WHERE BARACK OBAMA WAS REALLY
BORN?
I'M NOT SAYING-- I'M NOT SAYING THAT ALL THREE OF THEM KILLED
JEFFREY EPSTEIN.
I'M JUST SAYING, DID ALL THREE OF THEM KILL JEFFREY EPSTEIN?"
"SORRY, I CAN'T HEAR."
NOW, TRUMP WAS CHOPPERING TO WESTERN PENNSYLVANIA, WHERE HE
VISITED A BRAND NEW "CRACKER PLANT," NAMED FOR THE CHEMICAL
REACTION OF "CRACKING" GAS MOLECULES INTO THE BUILDING
BLOCKS OF PLASTIC.
ALTHOUGH, I'M NOT SURE TRUMP KNOWS THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS.
( LAUGHTER )
"CRACKERS, HUH?
ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THE KIND YOU PUT IN SOUP, OR THE KIND
THAT SHOWS UP TO MY RALLIES?
JUST GIVE ME AN IDEA"-- THE PLANT USES A CONTROVERSIAL
PRACTICE THAT ALARMS ENVIRONMENTALISTS CALLED,
"FRACKING FOR PLASTIC."
OKAY.
OKAY, NOW HE'S JUST TROLLING US.
HE'S JUST JAMMING TOGETHER THE TWO WORST WORDS A LIBERAL CAN
THINK OF.
(AS TRUMP) "AFTER FRACKING FOR PLASTIC, I'M
GOING TO GO GUN LITTERING, AND THEN I THINK WE'LL BE DRILLING
FOR RACISM."
( LAUGHTER )
FRACKING LONG.
AND HE MADE SURE TO HIT A VERY IMPORTANT CAMPAIGN MESSAGE:
"TRUCK GO VROOM-VROOM."
>> I LOVE TRUCKS OF ALL TYPES, EVEN WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY AT
FOUR YEARS OLD.
MY MOTHER WOULD SAY, 'YOU LOVE TRUCKS.'
I DO.
I ALWAYS LOVED TRUCKS.
I STILL DO NOTHING CHANGES.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "YES, NOTHING CHANGES.
NOTHING CHANGES AT ALL.
EMOTIONALLY, I'M STILL FOUR.
I LOVE TRUCKS.
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU GOT DUMP.
YOU GOT TONKA."
( LAUGHTER )
STEEL INDUSTRY, AND HE DID NOT MINCE WORDS.
>> PENNSYLVANIA STEEL RAISED THE SKYSCRAPERS THAT BUILT OUR
CITIES.
BY THE WAY, STEEL-- STEEL WAS DEAD.
YOUR BUSINESS WAS DEAD, OKAY?
I DON'T WANT TO BE OVERLY CRUDE.
YOUR BUSINESS WAS DEAD.
( LAUGHTER )
SEE DR. TRUMP'S BEDSIDE MANNER.
(AS TRUMP) "OKAY, WHICH ONE OF YOU IS
SARAH?
OKAY, SARAH, YOUR HUSBAND IS DEAD.
HE WAS MURDERED WITH A KNIFE LIKE THIS.
STAB!
STABBEDY-STAB!
AND I DON'T WANT TO PUT TOO FINE A POINT ON IT, BUT THERE'S
NO AFTERLIFE.
THERE'S JUST DARKNESS!" HE ALSO WARNED ABOUT WHAT WOULD
HAPPEN IF THE COAL AND FRACKING INDUSTRIES WERE TO DISAPPEAR.
>> YOUR FRACKING IS GONE.
YOUR COAL IS GONE.
YOU GUYS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE GONNA DO.
YOU DON'T WANT TO MAKE WIDGETS, RIGHT?
YOU WANT TO LEARN HOW TO MAKE A COMPUTER, LITTLE TINY PIECES OF
STUFF THAT YOU PUT WITH THOSE BIG, BEAUTIFUL HANDS OF YOURS?
HE'S GONNA TAKE THESE BIG HANDS, GONNA TAKE THIS LITTLE TINY
PART!
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "YOU DON'T WANT TO MAKE
COMPUTERS WITH THOSE BIG ILLUSTRIOUS ARMS OF YOURS.
YOU WANT TO MAKE THE TECHNOLOGY OF THE FUTURE: SOLID STEEL,
COAL-POWERED BLIMPS!" BEAUTIFUL HANDS.
THESE HANDS.
THESE HANDS."
( APPLAUSE )
NATURAL GAS, HE WENT ALL DON QUIXOTE ON THE WINDMILLS.
>> BIG WINDMILLS THAT DESTROY EVERYBODY'S PROPERTY VALUES,
KILL ALL THE BIRDS.
AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, IT STOPS.
THE WIND AND THE TELEVISIONS GO OFF, AND YOUR WIVES AND HUSBAND
SAY, "DARLING, I WANT TO WATCH DONALD TRUMP ON TELEVISION
TONIGHT.
BUT THE WIND STOPPED BLOWING, AND I CAN'T WATCH.
THERE IS NO ELECTRICITY IN THE HOUSE, DARLING."
>> Stephen: (AS WIFE) "OH, YES, OH, YES, DARLING
HUSBAND, THE WIND ISN'T BLOWING, SO YOU CAN'T WATCH TRUMP ON TV.
IT ISN'T THAT I PULLED THE CIRCUIT BREAKER SO I WOULDN'T
HAVE TO HEAR THE SYPHILITIC RAMBLINGS OF THAT MADMAN.
DAMN YOU WINDMILLS!
DAMN YOU!" TRUMP WAS VERY IMPRESSED WITH
THE TURNOUT AT THE EVENT.
>> THAT IS A LOT OF PEOPLE BACK THERE FOR AN, LIKE, 11:00
SPEECH.
>> Stephen: IT IS A BIG CROWD FOR AN 11:00 SPEECH.
ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING IT WAS 2:40 P.M.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
THAT OUT MYSELF.
(AS TRUMP) "HEY, NOT MY FAULT.
I THINK THIS WATCH IS WINDMILL POWERED."
MIKIE GAVE ME THE WRONG HANDS IN HERE."
TRUMP ALSO BRAGGED ABOUT THE ECONOMY.
>> OUR COUNTRY NOW HAS THE HOTTEST ECONOMY ANYWHERE IN THE
WORLD.
EVERY TIME A PRIME MINISTER, PRESIDENT, KING, QUEEN,
DICTATOR-- WHATEVER THEY MAY BE-- SOME ARE SORT OF MUTUAL.
SOME OF YOU HAVE PRESIDENTS AND PRIME MINISTERS WHO ARE ACTUALLY
DICTATORS.
>> Stephen: YES, SOME OF US DO.
( LAUGHTER )
WANT TO BE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SHOCKINGLY, TRUMP HAD SOMETHING NICE TO SAY ABOUT THE PRESIDENT
OF MEXICO.
>> THE PRESIDENT NOW HAS BEEN GREAT.
AND HE'S GOT 27,000 SOLDIERS ON OUR SOUTHERN BORDER AND ON HIS
BORDER WITH GUATEMALA, KEEPING OUR BORDERS SAFER.
I WANT TO THANK MEXICO.
IT IS INCREDIBLE.
WE HAVE CLOSE TO 27,000.
THINK OF THAT-- WE NEVER HAD THREE.
I THINK WE HAD ABOUT TWO AND A HALF SOLDIERS.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "WE HAD TWO AND A HALF SOLDIERS.
WHY WE NEVER TOOK THAT HALF-SOLDIER TO THE HOSPITAL,
I'LL NEVER KNOW."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT WAS A BIG ONE.
IF ALL THE CHAOS HERE IN AMERICA IS MAKING YOU WANT TO FLEE THE
COUNTRY, THINK AGAIN, BECAUSE THE REST OF THE WORLD'S EVEN
CRAZIER.
HONG KONG IS IN TURMOIL.
FOR THE SECOND DAY IN A ROW, PRO-DEMOCRACY PROTESTORS HAVE
TAKEN OVER THE AIRPORT, CAUSING ALL FLIGHTS TO BE CANCELLED.
AND I WOULD LIKE TO NOTE THAT A MASS UPRISING IN HONG KONG LOOKS
EXACTLY LIKE THE WAITING LOUNGE BEFORE ANY SOUTHWEST FLIGHT.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
JADA PINKETT SMITH IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE."
STICK AROUND!