Today's episode of The Dan Cave is brought to you
by the new movie Sleight, in theaters this Friday.
When the scorching summer temperatures
threaten to turn you into a post-accident Alex Mack,
what do you do?
Do you just accept your fate that you're doomed
to become the lesser of two Wonder Twins?
Do you legally change your name to Sticky Jeff
since that's basically what you are now?
Or do you seek solace in the air conditioned paradise
of your local movie theater?
Spoiler alert, the only answer is going to the movies.
Anything else is absolutely crazy.
Thankfully, there's a heaping helping
of kick ass movies on the way this summer
and today's episode of The Dan Cave,
I'm gonna tell you the best movies you need to see
to beat the heat this summer.
Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2.
Everyone's favorite gang of intergalactic A-holes are back
with some sweet throwback tunes,
the continuing adventures of Baby Groot,
and Kurt Russell as a sentient planet
who definitely absolutely 100% has a wiener.
The sequel has some massive expectations to live up to,
but then again, it also has 100% more Sylvester Stallone
than the first one, and if the MCU was in desperate need
of one thing, it was a Tango and Cash reunion.
What are you doing?
What are you doing, what are you doing?
Soap, and don't flatter yourself.
Alien: Covenant.
Back before Ripley burst onto the scene,
the Xenomorphs were but Weenomorphs,
which is not a cute term for a boner but for baby aliens,
and there was a human colonization mission that went awry.
Ooh.
Alien: Covenant is the story of that mission,
which, spoiler alert, probably won't end well
for our intrepid crew.
But considering that out intrepid crew
now contains Danny McBride as Space Kenny Powers,
you better strap on some goddamn K-Swiss
and get your butt to a theater
for a chest-bursting good time.
Wonder Woman.
After kicking ass, taking names, and occasionally using
some unorthodox Themysciran chiropracting
on Maxwell Lord for the past 75 years,
it's about damn time that Wonder Woman
gets her own feature film.
Diana of Themyscira is one of the best parts of the DC EU
and she's taking us back to WW1
for what looks like it's gonna be a brutal battle
against the God of War himself, Aries.
So come for the bullet deflecting and leg sweeping,
but stay for the invisible jet.
Seriously though, where is it?
I need to see it.
I know it's invisible, but you gotta show me this damn jet.
The Mummy.
While this movie may lack the Brendan Frasier
many Egyptologists believe is required
for a successful Mummy film,
The Mummy does have a secret ingredient
that can save otherwise ill-advised action films,
Tom (bleep) Cruise.
Sorry.
Tom Cruise.
This movie has Tom Cruise running.
This movie has Tom Cruise coming back from the dead.
This movie has Tom Cruise screaming.
You know, that old chestnut.
That old (Tom Cruise screaming) chestnut.
What is he doing? Why did they use that take?
That is such bad ADR.
And it has Sofia Boutella, the amazing sword legs girl
from Kingsman: The Secret Service as the Mummy herself.
Will the Rock be in the post-credit sequence
for a Scorpion King cameo?
Probably not, but I guess not all dreams
are meant to come true, Dad.
Transformers: The Last Knight.
Finally, the Transformers franchise
has reached the point where all fandoms converge.
This movie has everything.
You've got giant robot fights, King Arthur,
Nazis, and possibly Stanley Tucci playing Merlin.
That's right, folks,
the Tuc as the greatest wizard of all-time.
It also has the least believable thing of all-time,
which is Mark Wahlberg as a scientist.
Still, what the hell is going on there?
Mark (bleep) Wahlberg as a scientist, are you crazy?
Really.
Anyway, most importantly the movie
wound up finding a home for Freya,
a rescue pup dubbed Britain's loneliest dog
who was rejected by 18,000 potential owners
before landing a role in this movie
and a forever home as part of the movie's production.
So yeah, go ahead and (bleep) on Michael Bay all you want,
but look at this sweet angel
and look at her being a goddamn movie star.
But like, 18,000 people rejected her,
you (bleep) kidding me?
Baby Driver.
If you only see one film about a getaway driver
suffering from tinnitus this summer, make it Baby Driver.
Edgar Wright's musical action masterpiece
feels like a throwback to Heist movies of yesteryear,
but it's infused with his unique sense of humor,
and boasting the best soundtrack in ages,
Baby Driver absolutely deserves
a parking spot in your heart.
But (bleep) jokes aside,
this movie is a hell of a lot of fun
and features some of the best stunt driving
in recent memory, and yes, I saw Fate of the Furious.
What a silly movie.
Go see Baby Driver. It's way better.
Spider-Man: Homecoming.
Either my Spidey sense is tingling
or I absolutely need to see a doctor
because I've got a feeling that Spider-Man: Homecoming
is gonna blow my dick clean off,
or at the very least it'll be really enjoyable, your choice.
Your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man swings back
into theaters for his third iteration in 15 years
with Michael Keaton as Vulture,
a guest appearance by Tony Stark himself,
and us finally not having to see
poor sweet Uncle Ben die on camera,
which is great news for everyone but Stan Lee
who once famously said, "I invented Spider-Man
just take his uncle away again and again. Excelsior."
War for the Planet of the Apes.
The fact that the generation of Planet of the Apes movies
are actually really, really good is straight up bananas,
but the only monkey business you'll find in this movie
is an increasingly dystopian world
in which the last vestiges of humanity must band together
against an increasingly intelligent army of apes.
Now, to be fair, we did kind of drop first blood
in this conflict but also, apes are scary as hell up close.
Have you seen them?
And they fling their poo at you,
and if I know Woody Harrelson, the villain of this movie,
he hates having poo flung at him.
Think about it.
Dunkirk.
This summer have some fun-kirk with Christopher Nolan,
short hair Harry Styles, and the cast of Dunkirk,
a sweeping World War II drama about the Battle of Dunkirk
in which more than 330,000 allied soldiers managed
to evacuate from the beaches of Dunkirk, France
after being cut off by the German army.
And honestly, is there any better way
to experience the brutality and horrors of war
than on IMAX as envisioned by Christopher Nolan
and shot by Hoyte van Hoytema?
If there is, I don't wanna know,
because that (bleep) sounds way too intense for me, man.
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets.
The comic that Star Wars shamelessly stole from
and that The Fifth Element was deeply influenced by
is now getting a major motion picture adaptation
from the director of The Fifth Element, Luc Besson.
Unbelievable!
This movie about two space time cops,
Valerian and Laureline as played by
Dane Dehaan and Cara Delevingne
looks gloriously weird with dozens of alien species,
Ethan Hawke as a creepy cabaret pimp,
and a tiny critter that can poop out
copies of whatever it eats.
Don't you wish your butt could do that?
The answer is, "Yes Dan, we all wish our butts
could do that, but they can't,"
and the only way to make that dream
remotely come true is to watch Luc Besson's
Gonzo vision of it in Valerian this summer.
Also, read the comics.
They're legit great.
Atomic Blonde.
Imagine that if instead of Keanu Reeves
playing a bereaved dog owner slash
the world's deadliest hit man in John Wick,
it was Charlize Theron in the role
as a brutal blonde assassin who turned
all of her opponents into a fine red mist.
Well, you don't have to imagine,
because not only do we get John Wick with Keanu,
but now we get Atomic Blonde with Charlize Theron as well.
The movie stars Theron as an elite MI6 agent
sent to Berlin on an impossible mission,
which is a bit confusing because we know
that nothing's impossible for Theron
after seeing her in Mad Max: Fury Road.
And it gets even better.
This movie's directed by John Wick co-director
and Deadpool 2 director, David Leach,
so these three films are basically gonna be
the ghost of ass kicks-mas past, present, and future.
Go see it.
The Dark Tower.
Look, if I tried to explain The Dark Tower to you
here right now I'd wind up with a migraine
and you would just be as confused as you were before
so you're just gonna have to trust me when I say
that you wanna see Idris Elba's role in The Gunslinger
and Matthew McConaughey looking like a straight up
anime villain in this sprawling dark fantasy western
from the mind of Stephen King.
And unlike many things from the mind of Stephen King,
this one wasn't written by a sentient pile of cocaine.
That was Maximum Overdrive, and holy smokes,
what a bonkers movie that is.
Why does that truck have the face of the Green Goblin?
I have so many questions.
Anyway, I'm excited to see The Dark Tower,
and I hope you are, too.
And those are some of the best movies
coming your way this summer.
You can find my expanded list on Nerdist.com,
but tell me in the meantime,
which are you most excited to see?
What would you add to this list?
Let me know in the comments below
and while you're there give me an action-packed thumbs up.
Now, be sure to like and subscribe
or else you might miss next week's episode
about the story of a prize-winning race horse
that undergoes genetic modification
and starts killing everyone an underwater research base
in Deep Blue Seabiscuit.
Until next time, keep on diggin'.
And before we go, I wanna give one last shout out
to our sponsor, the new movie Sleight,
in theaters this Friday.
Guys, if you're in the mood for something superhero-y
but are feeling a little burnt out on Marvel and DC,
then Sleight is totally worth checking out.
It's about a teenage street magician
who gets in over his head with some dangerous criminals
and the only way out is with an awesome combination
of science and magic.
It's fun, it's exciting, it's original,
and I really think you're gonna have a blast watching it.
Plus, it's from the same people who brought you Get Out,
so you know it's gonna be all people are talking about
online next Monday, see it now and avoid the spoilers.
That's Sleight in theaters this Friday.