Mike is sealing up the Oval Office
because there's a contagion out there.
Fortunately, we're safe and no one else is getting in.
DONALD JR. (nearby): Is that you, dad?
What the... ?
-Don, Jr.? -Oh.
Oh, no.
(electronic voice): Outbreak not contained.
Outbreak not contained.
-Outbreak not contained. -(siren wails)
Dad, there's an outbreak that's not contained.
-Outbreak not contained. -Turn that off! Turn it off!
-What the hell is wrong with you? -Outbreak not contained.
You know that picture where JFK, Jr., uh,
crawled out of the desk?
Everyone loved that.
So now they'll all love little Don-Don.
You're hiding from Robert Mueller, aren't you?
Busted.
Well, at least he's being honest, sir.
That's my boy, totally transparent.
Now sit down on the couch and don't touch anything.
Now watch daddy tell everyone what to do.
It's time for executive orders.
(cheering and applause)
First up, a huge iceberg broke off of Antarctica
the same week that that psycho Joe Scarborough broke away
from the Republican Party.
So executive order,
Joe Scarborough and the iceberg have to trade places.
Scarborough has to live in the South Pole,
and the iceberg has to sit next
to that bloody-faced, low-IQ Mika.
(Donald, Jr. laughs)
Boy, you really hate women, Dad.
It's like if they won't have sex with you you're all pissed,
and then if they do have sex with you,
you'll lose respect for them because they had sex with you.
It is a trip.
TRUMP: Okay, all right, okay.
How about a little less transparency, Don, okay?
Oh, yeah, yeah, no. I'm chill.
Mike, why are you sitting all the way down there?
You're not distancing yourself from me and my family, are you?
Oh, no, no, sir, of course not, no.
I'm happy to-- there we go.
Then why are you hosting private meetings
with big Republican donors at your residence?
This better not be what it looks like, you albino worm.
What? No, sir, no, no. I know what you're getting at,
but it has been the honor of my life
to serve as your vice president,
sitting at your right hand
the way that Saint Peter will sit next to...
Nice try, Mike, okay?
Executive order: no guys named Mike from Indiana
who have never done cocaine can be president.
PENCE: Well, sir...
No, that's-that's not fair, sir.
Who says I'm talking about you?
I can pretend to be weird.
That's hilarious, Dad.
Because, at first,
Mike had no political future without you.
And now he
-Time is funny. -Jesus!
This is why we're in so much trouble.
Do you ever shut up?
Yeah. When you divorced Mom, I shut up
and not talk to you for a whole year.
Best year of my life.
Moving on.
This morning, Republican senators released their new plan
for repealing and replacing Obamacare.
And it still might not pass.
This thing is dying a slow, gruesome death.
So, executive order:
we need to pass a health care bill
for the health care bill.
Sure, it has a preexisting condition.
Yeah, it sucks.
You suck!
Yeah, yeah, I suck.
But that's no reason to deny it coverage.
We'll call it
the AHCAHCA,
or "a-cha-cha-cha-cha!"
It's so funny, 'cause it's not even about health care.
Repealing Obamacare is all about
tax cuts for rich people like us.
If we really cared about lowering health care costs
we'd move to a single payer system,
so we could negotiate prices with providers.
Goddamn it, get back under the desk right now!
Plus, the whole thing with Obamacare was that a black guy
told us it do it and we did not like that.
And then... and then you said
he was born in Kenya, but you knew.
TRUMP: No, no. No, no.
You knew he wasn't born in Kenya.
No, I did not, I did not.
-I didn't know that. -And you only ran for president
'cause you wanted to renegotiate
Zip it! Zip it!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, totally!
Remember when you got all dressed up
to go to Chelsea Clinton's wedding because you thought
you were invited, but you were actually not invited at all?
Mike, will you stop him?!
Oh, no, you're upsetting the president, please "stop."
DONALD JR.: Oh, yeah, no, no, I-I will.
Remember when you came downstairs naked that time
and your fupa got stuck in the banister
and then we realized your pubes look like Captain Crunch?
Enough!
You're a low-quality person.
Well... cat's in the cradle, Dad.
-PENCE: Ooh. -No more transparency.
Executive order: