♪♪♪ >>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> AND I'M COLIN JOST. >>> THE INVESTIGATION INTO THE
TRAGEDY IN LAS VEGAS THIS WEEK HAS SPARKED A LARGER DEBATE IN
AMERICA BETWEEN PEOPLE WHO WANT COMMON SENSE GUN CONTROL AND
PEOPLE WHO ARE WRONG. THIS SHOULDN'T BE A PARTISAN
ISSUE. THE GUY HAD 47 GUNS.
NO ONE SHOULD OWN 47 OF ANYTHING.
IF YOU OWN 47 CATS, YOU ARE NOT A RESPONSIBLE PET OWNER, YOU'RE
A CRAZY CAT LADY. AND UNLIKE WITH GUNS, THE
GOVERNMENT WILL ACTUALLY COME AND TAKE YOUR CATS AWAY, BECAUSE
EVERYONE AGREES THAT'S INSANE. ALSO, THIS GUY BOUGHT 33 OF HIS
GUNS IN THE PAST YEAR. AND THAT DIDN'T SET OFF ANY KIND
OF ALERT? IF I BUY $100 WORTH OF
CHICK-FIL-A, I GET A TEXT MESSAGE FROM MY BANK THAT SAYS,
"DID YOU JUST PURCHASE $100 WORTH OF CHICK-FIL-A?
PLEASE, COLIN, TELL US THIS IS FRAUD."
HOW IS NO ONE KEEPING TRACK OF HOW MANY GUNS PEOPLE OWN?
THERE IS A REAL LAW IN TEXAS THAT SAYS IT'S ILLEGAL TO OWN
MORE THAN SIX DILDOS. AND I GET WHY.
NO ONE NEEDS THAT MANY. IF YOU OWN MORE THAN SIX DILDOS,
IT'S THE A CLEAR SIGN YOU ARE TRAINING FOR SOMETHING AWFUL.
LAUGH LAUGH [ LAUGHTER ]
>> I DON'T KNOW, WHY IS IT SO HARD TO GET GUN CONTROL IN THIS
COUNTRY? I MEAN WHO ARE THESE SNOWFLAKES
THAT WE CAN'T JUST TELL THEM, "NO, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE
40 GUNS ANYMORE, EARL. FROM NOW ON YOU CAN HAVE ONE
GUN, MAX, AND SIX BULLETS. IF YOU CAN'T HIT WHAT'S COMING
FOR YOU IN SIX SHOTS, THEN YOUR ASS NEED TO LEARN KARATE.
OR USE YOUR WORDS." .
I'M SICK OF THIS NARRATIVE THAT AMERICANS JUST LOVE GUNS SO
MUCH. IT'S A NOT TRUE.
78% OF AMERICANS DON'T EVEN OWN A GUN.
AND 3% OF AMERICANS OWN 50% OF ALL THE GUNS IN THE COUNTRY.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM -- THE 3% THE COUNTRY THAT NEEDS TO FEEL
SECURE ALL THE TIME. THAT'S WHY I THINK WE SHOULD DO
A BUY-BACK PROGRAM. FOR EVERY GUN YOU TRADE IN, WE
GIVE YOU ONE HALF INCH OF PENIS ENLARGEMENT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THAT'S FAIR.
IF YOU TRADE IN TEN GUNS, YOU GET FIVE MORE INCHES.
AND IF ANY WOMEN WANT TO TRADE IN THEIR GUNS, DON'T.
KEEP YOUR GUNS. BECAUSE YOU'RE PROBABLY GOING TO
NEED THEM TO FIGHT OFF ALL THOSE MEN IN SPANDEX FIGHTING TO SHOW
OFF THEIR BRAND-NEW PENISES. >>> SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE
PAUL RYAN SAID THAT HE WANTS CONGRESS TO LOOK INTO SOME
PROPOSALS FOR GUN CONTROL. BUT FIRST, HE WANTS TO LOOK INTO
THIS BRIEFCASE FROM THE NRA. WE HAVE GOT TO DO SOMETHING
ABOUT THE GUNS THIS THE COUNTRY,
THOUGH. I MEAN, I KNOW ABOUT THE SECOND
AMENDMENT. YOU NEED YOUR GUN IN CASE THE
GOVERNMENT DECIDES TO COME AND DRIVE YOUR HOUSE AWAY.
YOU KNOW, THESE ARE THE SAME PEOPLE THAT WHEN ANYBODY STANDS
UP AGAINST POLICE BRUTALITY, THEY ALWAYS SAY,
RESPECT LAW ENFORCEMENT. SUPPORT THE TROOPS."
MEANWHILE THEY HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF WEAPONS AT HOME JUST IN
CASE. THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "I LOVE MY
WIFE, I TRUST MY WIFE, BUT THAT SNEAKY BITCH IS COMING FOR ME."
[ LAUGHTER ] >>> IN LIGHTER NEWS, PRESIDENT
TRUMP FINALLY ARRIVED IN PUERTO RICO THIS WEEK.
AND LET'S JUST SAY, PROBLEM SOLVED.
[ LAUGHTER ] NOTHING SAYS I UNDERSTAND THE
GRAVITY OF THE SITUATION LIKE A BILLIONAIRE TOSSING SIX ROLLS OF
PAPER TOWELS TO HURRICANE VICTIMS.
WATCHING THIS, I REALIZED TRUMP MIGHT NOT BE A GREAT PRESIDENT,
BUT HE WOULD BE A GREAT MASCOT. JUST LET HIM GO NUTS LIKE THE
PHILLY PHANATIC THROWING FREE STUFF TO FANS, CRUISING AROUND
ON A FOUR WHEELER, MOCKING OTHER COUNTRIES WHILE HE SHAKES THAT
BIG OLD BUTT AROUND. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MEANWHILE, ATTORNEY GENERAL JEFF SESSIONS IS ENDING AN
OBAMA-ERA POLICY PROTECTING TRANSGENDER EMPLOYEES FROM
DISCRIMINATION. CHEERL TRUMP AND SESSIONS ONLY
CARE ABOUT REVERSING THIS POLICY BECAUSE OBAMA CREATED IT.
WHAT WE NEED TO DO IS CONVINCE THESE GUYS THAT OBAMA WROTE THE
SECOND AMENDMENT TO PROTECT GUNS.
THE NEXT DAY, TRUMP WILL BE TOSSING GUNS INTO THE OCEAN LIKE
PAPER TOWELS. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>> THE SUPREME COURT IS ALSO BACK IN SESSION THIS WEEK WITH
NEW TRUMP-APPOINTED JUSTICE NEIL GORSUCH.
HERE TO COMMENT IS LIBERAL JUSTICE RUTH BADER GINSBURG.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> LET ME AT 'EM.
PUT 'EM UP. >> YOU ARE COMING IN SWING,
JUSTICE. >> COLIN, NO, I CAN'T GO ON
SWINGING. I'M TOO TINY.
LAST TIME I WAS ON A SWING I ENDED UP IN SPACE.
>> SO WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR NEW COLLEAGUE, NEIL GORSUCH?
>> UGH, THIS NEW GUY GORSUCH, HE -- IF I KNEW HE WAS COMING IN SO
HOT, I WOULD HAVE WORN AN OVEN MITT.
I WILL SAY, IT'S NICE TO HAVE NINE JUSTICES AGAIN, BECAUSE FOR
THE LAST YEAR WE'VE BEEN A HUNG JURY.
EXCEPT FOR JUSTICE ASK A LETO. THAT GUY LEGISLATES FROM THE
BENCH, BUT HE MEASURES FROM THE BALLS.
THAT'S A GINS-BURN. ♪♪♪
>> OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
YOU MAY NOT HAVE A FULL BENCH FOR LONG, JUSTICE, BECAUSE SOME
ARE SPECULATING THAT JUSTICE KENNEDY MIGHT RETIRE SOON.
ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT THAT? >> OF COURSE I AM.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT GOON TRUMP BRINGS IN NEXT.
THE HONORABLE JUSTICE STEVEN SEAGAL?
KENNEDY, HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SWING VOTE, RIGHT?
IF HE GOES, IT WILL BE ROBERTS. AND IF ROBERTS IS SWINGING, I'M
TAKING MY KEYS OUT OF THE BOWL. [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU SMELL LIKE A WARDEN. WHAT IS THAT?
IT IS A GINS-BURN! ♪♪♪
>> YEAH. >> KEPTDY COULD BE THE DECISIVE
VOTE IN THIS BIG GERRYMANDERING
DECISION THAT'S COMING UP. >> THANK YOU FOR BRINGING THAT
UP, GERRYMANDERING. LOOK AT THIS.
>> LOOK AT THIS -- LOOK AT THESE DISTRICT MAPS.
LOOK AT THE WAY THE POLITICIANS MADE THOSE MAPS.
THAT'S NOT A DISTRICT. THAT'S A TAPE WORM.
THEY SNIP, THEY SNIP A LITTLE HERE.
WE SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING. IT'S LIKE THEY'RE AT A COCKTAIL
PARTY, THEY'RE TAKING ALL THE SHRIMP.
THEY'RE WRAPPING IT IN A NAPKIN, PUTTING IT IN THEIR PURSE FOR
LATER. AND ALL THE DEMOCRATS ARE LEFT
WITH IS SWEATY CHEDDAR. WHICH BY THE WAY IS WHAT THEY
CALLED STEVE BANNON IN COLLEGE. THAT'S A GINS-BURN.
♪♪♪ [ LAUGHTER ]
>> WOW, YOU BLEW YOUR OWN GLASSES OFF.
THAT'S AMAZING. >> AT MY AGE.
>> IT DOES SEEM LIKE YOU ARE IN GOOD SPIRITS, JUSTICE.
>> I HAVE GOT TO BE COLIN. THE SUPREME COURT JUSTICE IS THE
ONLY JOB WHERE PEOPLE OPENLY PLACE BETS ON WHEN YOU ARE GOING
TO CROAK. JOKE IS ON YOU.
I MADE A DEAL WITH OUR FEMALE GOD I WOULD TRADE HEIGHT FOR
YEARS. BY 2095 I'M GOING TO BE THE SIZE
OF A PLAY MOBILE BUT I'M STILL GOING TO BE KICKING ASS AND
TAKING BONIVA. >> YOU ARE DETERMINED TO STAY
AND FIGHT? >> YEAH, WHO ELSE IS GOING TO DO
IT. IT'S ALWAYS THE WOMAN.
IT JUST GOES WITH THE TERRITORY WHEN YOU HAVE GOT YAVOA.
OR IN MY CASE, TWO LITTLE OXYGEN MASK S
MASKS LIKE THEY HAVE GOT ON AN AIRPLANE.
THEY LOOK EMPTY AND THEY ONLY DROP DOWN IN AN EMERGENCY.
THAT'S A SELF-GINS-BURN. >> JUSTICE RUTH BADER GINSBURG,
EVERYONE.