Why does everybody keep on hiring me?
All of my work is shiiit!
Haha! Everything is awesome.
Well done Chris Miller. Well done.
Thank you.
But he's not the only one we should congratulate,
Our own Jennifer Lee has gotten a job writing AND directing at Disney.
Oh, It's nothing. Just the most famous studio in the world.
Well, I suppose now we can bring her in on our real gamble.
Wha- What gamble?
Oh, every time a new filmmaker comes along, we make an impossible dare to see if they can pull it off.
Yes! And they, in turn, make dares back.
Really?
And seeing how you're the newcomer with Disney,
I bet you can't make an animated film that points out all the faults of the past Disney films,
Has two female heros, one of them a queen-
Oooooh!
-And have her sing a song so popular, even boys will be singing it.
Ooh, ooooooooh!
Okay! I like a challenge, especially in this demographic, ruled by 13-year-old boys.
They're always the most profitable.
But what about you, Mr. Peyton Reed?
What about me?
If I achieve that, then you have to make a successful superhero movie
where the hero shrinks down to the size of an ant.
Oooh, oooh, oooooooh!
You... know shrinking films are box office poison right now?
What's the matter? Not taking my raise?
Ooooooh! *both laugh*
Oh, I'll call. Not that Miller and Lord over there have the balls to do so...
*gasp* Hey! We're just as ballsy as either of you!
-Yeah! -Prove it.
I bet that we could do a product placement movie
so good that we could name the movie after the product, and nobody would care.
Yeah! And people will even be upset that it wasn't nominated for best animated feature!
*laughs*
Say...
Mind if... I play?
(chorus of nope)
What, why not?
You suck at this game, Shyamalan!
Yeah. What's this idea that you can make trees scary?
Dahh, that's later down the road. This idea is guaranteed to show you how talented I am.
Wait, isn't this the one that Disney didn't understand,
so you stormed out even though they were gonna fund it anyway?
Who does that!?
Yes, I heard about this. You said Disney didn't respect individualism.
They're a bunch of hacks who didn't realize my brilliance.
Yeah? And what is this "brilliance"?
Alright. The main character is named 'Story'...
-Out. -Not happening.
She's an ancient creature called a Narf...
Oh honey, you can't do this.
And she's being chased by Scrunts, but saved by Tartutics.
I heard a bum down the street shouting stuff like this!
Chester A. Bum (Distanced): Oh c'mon, even I'm not that high!
I will show the world that I am so good that I can make something so silly absolutely amazing.
I mean, what else could happen to this movie?
Let's get this baby started!
While many people see "The Happening" as Shymalan's funniest "so bad it's good" film,
I challenge them with the absolute mad ravings of "Lady in the Water".
Sure, it's slower, and doesn't have quite as many silly performances,
But the story is so insane, so ego-stroking, so friggin' bizarre,
that if a well-known filmmaker's name wasn't attached to it,
you'd swear it was written on the walls of a mental institution!
There's so much to talk about, so let's not waste any time.
Let's end Shymalan Month with my favorite bad movie of his, "Lady in the Water".
Oo~
It starts off with the backwash- I mean backstory of this seemingly simple fable.
{Once, Man and those in the water were linked. They inspired us. Man listened, and it became real.}
{But Man does not listen very well}
You just said they did.
{Man's need to own everything led him deeper into land.}
{The world of Man became more violent.}
{War upon war played out, as there were no guides to listen to.}
Well, if they're so good at guiding people, how did they let this happen to begin with?
{A handful of their precious young ones have been sent-}
{There are laws that are meant to keep the young ones safe, but they are sent at great risk to their lives-}
But- wait, if there are laws to keep them safe, then why would they be at great risk?
"Sometimes men take matters into their own hands-"
That's not what you said, movie represented now by Jack Nicholson performance,
you said they were safe but now they're at great risk, so they shouldn't be in any danger, should they, movie?
"You snotty little bastard."
Why don't you just end with how every "humanity sucks" story ends saying how man has forgotten how to listen?
{Man have forgotten how to listen.}
Show us the way, movie.
We know you have it even though in the first two minutes you already have tons and tons of problems,
but we have faith in you.
We then cut to Paul Giamatti-
"It's some kind of creature!"
"Tell her it's not a creature, there's no such thing as... creatures."
... A creature is just something you can't identify...
... Like the tone of this movie.
A new tenant seems to be staying at The Cove, an apartment complex Giamatti works at,
And he's a movie critic named Mr. Farber.
"Mr. Heep!"
... "Buenos di-ass".
"Mr. Farber, this is Young-Soon Choi, she lives with her mother in 8-A. She's ah- a student at the university."
Hell, if Shyamalan would be nice enough, maybe he'll cut to a shot that actually shows her face.
Nope? Well, at least he held on a shot for a while.
That automatically equals genius, you know.
But not as genius as talking directly into the camera, another typical Shyamalan trope.
"I tell 'em it's like... experimenting. I'm like a scientist."
It's fascinating how greedy one can get with their artsiness.
In most movies, these kinds of shots are used sparingly, to establish mood.
But with Shyamalan, he uses it like how the director of "Battlefield Earth" uses tilted shots:
Weird angles sometimes, weird angles always!
{We're brilliant, we're brilliant! Oh we do the brilliant dance}
But who cares! It's time to figure out what stupid quirk this guy has!
Because as always, any quirk, no matter how stupid, always equals a developed character.
Let's see what we have in our kitchen.
Let's see what we have here...
Umm.... You like hot dogs?
Expired water... Ah, here we are! Working out half of your body for no reason.
"Most people say hey, what's wrong with you, Reggie? Why you only working out on one side of your body?
Remember, it doesn't need to make sense,
you just have to say that director has a style, and therefore it's good. It's the law.
"Hey!" "Hey... Sorry.."
That's a well-composed shot there...
That looks effortlessly done, like there was no effort put into it whatsoever.
It's almost as good as this one of Giamatti ending his day and the camera slowly tilting up to reveal...
... absolutely nothing!
Y'know.. something visually interesting there might've been nice.
Was even the moon like, "Aw hell no I'm not being in this shit."
[water splash]
Mermando?
No, but trust me, it was something just as equally ridiculous.
He goes out to the pool to inspect, when...
He was underwater...? Now he's not. Now he's back underwater... Now he's not.
Now he's out of the water.. He slips, he goes back into the water, tries to get out,
says naahh, and he's suddenly in his room.
Well, that was as easy to follow as a moth in a snowstorm.
There does, however, seem to be a wet, naked woman in his room.
'Oh, not this again. Well, at least this one's alive.'
"Where are you from?" "Do you feel an awakening?"
*sigh* Is that like a "happening"?
Why don't you just replace all your dialogue with "Do you feel an... inginging?"
"I don't even know your name." "My name is Story."
Oh, yes, you heard that correctly- it's that kind of movie.
'I have two siblings- an older sister named Long Story, and a younger sister named Short Story.'
'I have a very honest mother we named True Story, an aging father named Old Story,'
'a dead grandfather named Ghost Story,'
'And for some reason all of them remind me of my two pets, Cock and Bull Story.'
What I'm trying to say is that name is stupid.
So he gives her a shirt, turning her into a cover story, and sleeps the night away holding her in his arms.
Because this... really wasn't creepy enough yet.
"Tell me who in the world are you anyway?"
"A narf."
Didn't catch that? Yeah you did.
The name of her species is 'Narf'.
And not only that, they say this word all the time like it's a totally common name.
[compilation of different characters saying 'narf' in dialogue]
What, was 'Blaf' already taken, or 'Pwonk'?
Look out, we have to save the Nyeh-nyeh-nyehs! They're on the run from the Carblonketyblonks!
Bitch, you for real?
He tries to carry her outside but sees a wolf waiting in the distance.
'I serve the nothing... which apparently this film has an abundance of...'
[Sudden screaming] What-wha? W-what's going on? Wh-
[continued screaming] Pool! Pool! Pool! Pool! *screams*
Ahh, oh my God, how can you not burst out into laughter watching that scene?
Wh-what can you even say about it?
It looks like he's carrying an anorexic Julia Roberts to their honeymoon suite
while she wants the pool to pull her finger just before Steroid Chia Pet eats them alive!
What is this?! I- ju- What is this?!
So he decides to ask someone who would obviously know all about mythical creatures... Rufio!
"Could you look up the word narf for me?"
I'm sure you've come across them from your adventures in Neverland.
"It's an... Eastern bedtime story, Mr. Heep."
Uh, heh.. yeah. I wouldn't insult Eastern storytelling like that.
I think the correct answer is
'Oh! That sounds like a word from the same idiot who came up with Cypher Raige!
Very common Eastern name.'
But her mother knows all about it, what are the odds,
and she says the *laughs*narf- Sorry, that's gonna take some getting used to-
- Has to meet the chosen one so that she can inspire him.
"She will return with the great Eatlon, a giant eagle..."
They... of course, cut out the scene where she ate five pot brownies before saying this, but you get the idea.
So Giamatti looks for this chosen one who Story says is a writer.
Though... again, you could replace all the dialogue with "What's your quirk?"
"She's very good with animals." Mhm, and your quirk?
"Crossword puzzles." And your quirk?
"Let's make up a witty phrase." "Baby's on the half-tip."
[Raucous laughter]
Jesus, you can't even do stoners right. That's not how a stoner screams, that's--
One of the Rice Krispie elves watching another one die!
[explosion] aaaaAAAAAH SNAP!
Of course, Giamatti is so focused on finding a writer
that he completely overlooks the person he's known for years that is a writer.
"How's the writing?" *ding* *mark whalburg's 'duh'*
But Story has been eavesdropping in his diary to learn about his past.
"A night, a man entered your home when you were not there.
He stole many things and killed your wife and children. That is when you stopped being happy."
Brilliant deduction there, Nancy Drew. Any other obvious dots you'd like to connect?
'When I hit my head that's when my head hurts. When my butt farts that's when the air smells bad.
When I run in high heels people will focus more on that rather than how dumb the rest of the movie is!"
Why don't you get suited up in your proper uniform?
But Giamatti introduces the writer to her, and... Take a wild guess who plays him.
-"I know I sent in that form.." -"Haah.."
That's right, the writer who really has lost his muse.
Yeah, take a good look, Shyamalan, that's the closest to story you'll ever get.
".. And have seemingly irrelevant and tedious dialogue that seems to regurgitate."
"Nice meeting you." "I'm so very happy we saw... each other."
So he's inspired to go write "Devil" as Giamatti tries to get Story back home
but the grass hyena is still out there.
"What's happening?! I thought it was gonna be safe!"
'We're okay now, thank God he can't climb stairs.'
So he tries to get more information from the Korean peacock,
who seems totally fine interrupting her clubbing to talk fairy tales.
"She said only a rogue scrunt will break the law of that night because most scrunts are afraid!"
"Afraid of what?" "Tartutic."
*laughing* Oh my God- Scrunts, narfs, tartutics- these all sound like cartoon characters sneezing.
Just look at Giamatti's face after hearing all this. He's like 'Well, I'm in a bomb.'
This all reads like a drunk mother reading a half-assed bedtime story to her kid.
'This is a story about... hmmm... Story...'
'The character's name is Story?' 'Uh- yes, yep.'
'-And she is an ancient *coughs*narf!' 'Narf?'
'Uh-huh, yes. And she's running- running away from the mean *snort*'
'Scrunt?'
'Mhm, mhm. And it all took place in modern times. Goodnight.' *thump*
'Well, it's better than the time she said the trees did it...'
[Outro]