THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE.
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
>> SO YOU WERE 12 WHEN YOU FIRST
SORT OF HAD YOUR FIRST
EXPERIENCE, AND I'M SURE A LOT
OF PEOPLE WERE LIKE, WHAT WAS
THE MIND-BLOWING THING, RIGHT?
YOU CAN READ ABOUT IT IN THE
BOOK.
BUT IT WASN'T SO MUCH THE JOY OF
THE FEELINGS, IT WAS -- IT
BECAME AN OBSESSION FOR YOU,
RIGHT?
>> YES.
>> WHAT WAS THE DRIVER, TO MAKE
YOU DO IT SO OFTEN, OVER AND
OVER AND OVER, EVEN AT THAT
YOUNG AGE?
>> WELL, I THINK THAT MY FIRST
EXPLORATION WITH MASTURBATION
AND PORN STARTED OFF NORMALLY.
I THINK MOST KIDS AROUND THAT
AGE WOULD BE CURIOUS AND EXPLORE
THEIR BODY.
BUT I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH
SCOLIOSIS NOT LONG AFTER THAT
DISCOVERY.
THAT'S WHEN THINGS STARTED TO
CHANGE FOR ME.
I STARTED TO REALLY THINK OF
MYSELF AS SOMETHING WEIRD OR
SOMETHING DIFFERENT AND
SHAMEFUL.
I FOUND THAT USING PORN AND
MASTURBATING WERE EFFECTIVE
METHODS OF COPING WITH THAT.
>> IT WAS LIKE AN ESCAPE FOR
YOU.
>> RIGHT.
YEAH SH IT WAS
YEAH, IT WAS A WAY FOR ME TO GET
OUT OF MY HEAD AND NOT THINK OF
EMOTIONAL DIFFICULTIES THAT CAME
UP FOR ME THAT I DIDN'T KNOW HOW
TO DEAL WITH PROPERLY.
>> YOU WRITE ABOUT HOW YOU
WERE -- YOU WOULD BE IN THE
SCHOOL, AT SCHOOL, AND YOU'D GO
INTO THE BATHROOM SHATALLS AND
HAVE TO DO IT.
>> RIGHT.
>> ASKING YOURSELF, IS THIS
NORMAL?
ARE OTHER GIRLS DOING THIS?
I MEAN, DID YOU HAVE THE LIGHT
BULB THAT, LIKE, IT ISN'T?
PROBABLY THEY AREN'T?
>> YEAH.
I THINK THAT THAT JUST CAME OUT
OF ALL THE SILENCE THAT COMES
AROUND SEX AS A YOUNG WOMEN, AS
A YOUNG GIRL.
NOBODY WAS TALKING ABOUT IT.
I WAS RAISED CATHOLIC.
MY PARENTS, THEY DIDN'T REALLY
TALK TO ME ABOUT IT.
I THINK THAT'S BECAUSE THEIR
PARENTS DIDN'T REALLY TALK TO
THEM ABOUT SEX.
SO I JUST HAD THIS IDEA THAT I
WAS DOING SOMETHING BAD AND
SOMETHING WRONG.
I THINK THAT IF PEOPLE WERE
TALKING ABOUT IT, THAT I MIGHT
HAVE FELT COMFORT AND I MIGHT
HAVE FELT THAT I WAS DOING
SOMETHING COMPLETELY NORMAL AND
IT WOULD HAVE CHANGED MY
PERSPECTIVE.
>> THE SELF-PLEASURE, FOR ANYONE
COMING OF AGE, IS NOT -- THERE'S
NOTHING ABNORMAL ABOUT IT,
RIGHT?
IT WAS THE AMOUNT, THE FREQUENCY
AND THE DOMINANCE THAT IT WOUND
UP HAVING ON YOUR LIFE,
CERTAINLY AS YOU BECAME AN
ADULT.
BUT WAS THAT THE CASE, EVEN AS A
TWEENER, INTO YOUR TEENS?
>> YES.
IT DEFINITELY BECAME AN
OBSESSION.
IT BECAME A WAY FOR ME TO COPE
WITH ANYTHING THAT CAME UP THAT
FELT TOO BIG AND TOO SCARY.
I NEVER REALLY FELT COMFORTABLE
DOING IT.
THERE WAS NEVER THIS POINT EARLY
ON WHERE I FELT LIKE I WAS
WORTHY OF THIS KIND OF PLEASURE.
IT JUST KEPT LIKE SOMETHING I
WAS DOING, AND IF PEOPLE FOUND
OUT I WAS DOING IT, THEY WOULD
CERTAINLY THINK I WAS DISGUSTING
AND NOT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH
ME.
>> THOSE -- THE THEME IN THE
BOOK, THESE ARE SOME OF THE
EMOTIONS AND ADJECTIVES SHE USES
TO DESCRIBE HERSELF AND HOW SHE
FELT.
EMPTINESS, SHAME, ISOLATED,
REVOLTING, GUILT, PITIFUL,
WORTHLESS.
WAS THAT ALL PART OF IT?
I MEAN, WAS THAT -- IN OTHER
WORDS, WHAT I'M TRYING TO FIGURE
OUT IS WHETHER THOSE ARE THE
FEELINGS THAT LED TO THE
ADDICTION, OR THOSE ARE THE
FEELINGS CAUSED BY THE BEHAVIOR
ASSOCIATED WITH THE ADDICTION.
>> I THINK BOTH.
CERTAINLY, IT STARTED THAT WAY.
YOU KNOW, I HAD THESE FEELINGS
OF INADEQUACY BECAUSE I FELT
DIFFERENT FROM EVERYBODY ELSE.
AS I CONTINUED TO COPE IN THIS
WAY AND NOBODY WAS TALKING ABOUT
IT, THOSE FEELINGS JUST
CONTINUED AND BECAME BIGGER THAN
THEY SHOULD HAVE.
>> AND HOW BIG A ROLE DID THE
INTERNET PLAY?
>> A HUGE ROLE.
>> ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU WERE
FIRST SORT OF GETTING INTO THIS.
>> RIGHT.
SO I FEEL LIKE MY ADDICTION
COINCIDED WITH THE DIGITAL AGE.
SO IT STARTED WITH SOFT CORE
PORN.
>> SO TO SPEAK.
>> RIGHT.
SO THE INTERNET CAME ABOUT WHEN
I WAS AROUND 12/13.
SO DOWNLOADING PICTURES BECAME A
THING.
CHAT ROOM ENCOUNTERS.
EVERY TIME I MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN
OVER IT AND MAYBE LOST ME ENGAGED AND ENT ICED
AGAIN.
>> YOU WROTE, NOTHING IS ENOUGH.
YOU STARTED WITH THIS PORN AND
YOU NEEDED DIRTIER AND DIRTIER
AND MORE EXPLICIT.
DEMEANING PORNOGRAPHY.
IT CAN HAVE AN EFFECT ON ONE'S
LIFE.
WE'LL TALK ABOUT ERICA'S ATTEMPT
TO ESCAPE HER ADDICTION.
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If we can't get this truck fixed, we'll never get to town.
And there has just gotta be a fast way to get us some money.
We'll think of something.
Only there was some kind of advance
we could get on our tax refund.
You could get an interest free refund advance of up to $3000
the day you file at Block.
Get your taxes won.
Ah, Avocados From Mexico.