- SHE LOVES SLOTHS. WHAT DO YOU LOVE?
WHAT WILL SHE DO FOR YOU?
- THE ONLY THING THAT I LOVE ON PAR WITH SLOTHS
IS BRAD PITT.
YEAH, I HAVE REAL STRONG, STRONG FEELINGS ABOUT BRAD PITT.
- REALLY? - YES.
OH, I ALWAYS HAVE. - FOR HOW LONG?
WHEN DID THIS START? - I GUESS LIKE '94-ISH.
WHENEVER "LEGENDS OF THE FALL"--
WHEN HE WAS TRISTAN IN "LEGENDS OF THE FALL."
OH!
WOW!
THERE'S THREE PEOPLE IN THE COUNTRY
THAT CAN WEAR THAT OUTFIT AND PULL IT OFF,
AND HE IS KILLING IT.
- YEAH.
- WELL, YOU HAD THE LANDSCAPES
AND THE HORSEBACK AND THESE OUTFITS
AND THE BLEACHED HAIR.
IT'S JUST-- HE JUST IS SOMETHING ELSE.
HE HAS A TEMPER. HE'S FLAWED.
- HE HAS A TEMPER? - HE'S A WELL-ROUNDED CHARACTER.
HE'S FLAWED, YOU KNOW? - YEAH.
- HE GOES ON THAT WEIRD SIDDHARTHA BOAT RIDE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT WAS ABOUT.
BUT I STUCK WITH HIM. I WAS IN.
[laughter]
- SO YOU REALLY, REALLY DO FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT BRAD.
- I HONESTLY DO. I REALLY AM OBSESSED WITH HIM.
HE'S ALSO GOT GREAT TASTE. I LOVE ALL OF HIS MOVIES.
HE'S A PHENOMENAL PRODUCER. - YES.
- YEAH, "12 YEARS A SLAVE."
WE WOULDN'T HAVE HAD THAT WITHOUT HIM, PROBABLY.
AND I--YEAH, I JUST REALLY-- - HE'S A PHILANTHROPIST.
- HE'S A PHILANTHROPIST. HE'S AGING SO GRACEFULLY.
- HE REALLY IS.
- HE NEEDS A LINE OF PRODUCTS, BECAUSE HE LOOKS GORGEOUS.
LOOK AT THIS SON OF A GUN. - YEAH.
[cheers and applause]
NOW--
- YOU KNOW I'M HERE TO PROMOTE BRAD PITT, RIGHT?
- I KNOW. - YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
- OBVIOUSLY SO, AND I WISH THAT I COULD SAY,
"HEY, HERE'S BRAD."
- I WOULD START CALLING HIM, HYPERVENTILATING.
- I SHOULD'VE TRIED IT,
BUT I DIDN'T THINK THAT YOU WOULD FALL FOR IT,
'CAUSE YOU'RE TOO SMART.
- I'M SO SAVVY. - NOT THAT SHE WASN'T SMART.
THAT SHE WOULD FALL FOR IT. - NO, SHE'S NOT VERY SMART.
SHE CAN SING, THOUGH, AND THAT'LL GET YOU MANY PLACES.
- BUT WAIT A MINUTE, SO YOU WERE NEAR
BRAD AND ANGIE AT THE OSCARS.
I KNOW YOU WERE, 'CAUSE I SAW WHERE--
- 'CAUSE YOU WERE THE HOST OF THE OSCARS.
- BUT, WELL, THEN I WAS IN THAT AREA
WHERE THE PIZZA WAS BEING--
DID YOU--DID-- WAIT, HAD YOU MET HIM BEFORE?
NO, I HAD NEVER MET HIM, NOR DID I EVEN WANT TO,
'CAUSE I WOULD BE AFRAID
I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO TALK TO HIM.
SO WHAT HAD HAPPENED WAS--
WHAT PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE OSCARS--
OR MAYBE THEY DO. I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND--
IS, IT'S 23 HOURS LONG.
- YEAH.
- AND I'M 6'3",
AND YOU'RE IN A FOLDING CHAIR WITH SOME LIGHT PADDING,
AND IT WAS REALLY EXCITING FOR FOUR OR FIVE HOURS.
AGAIN, YOU WERE GREAT.
BUT I STARTED GETTING PARALYSIS, I THINK,
SO I SAID, "I NEED TO GET SOME CIRCULATION."
SO I LEFT, AND I WENT--
AND I WAS ALSO STARVING, OKAY?
SO I LEFT.
I WENT TO THE BATHROOM AND JUST STOOD IN A STALL
FOR, LIKE, 20 MINUTES
JUST TRYING TO GET EVERYTHING TO WAKE UP.
THEN I FOUND, LIKE, A REAL BAD BAG OF TRAIL MIX BACKSTAGE,
ATE THAT, CAME BACK.
YOU GUYS ARE JUST FINISHING UP PIZZA.
EVERYONE HAD BEEN HAVING A BLAST AS SOON AS I LEFT.
THE PIZZA CAME OUT.
SO I'M WALKING BACK TO THE SEAT.
I NOTICE EVERYONE'S EATING PIZZA.
I'M BUMMED OUT, AND I'M FACING KRISTEN,
GETTING TO MY SEAT, AND SHE STARTS PULLING MY LEG.
SHE GOES, "HE'S TALKING TO YOU. HE'S TALKING TO YOU."
AND I TURN AROUND, AND BRAD PITT IS TALKING TO ME
FROM FOUR ROWS UP.
HE GOES, "WE LOVE YOUR MOVIE,"
AND IN THAT MOMENT, I COMPLETELY FORGET
THAT I'VE DIRECTED A MOVIE, 'CAUSE I JUST FORGOT.
AND I GO, "WHAT?"
[laughter]
AND HE-- I SWEAR TO GOD--GOES,
"WE LOVE"-- LIKE BIEBER--
"YOUR MOVIE."
AND I WAS JUST STANDING THERE, AND I GO,
"UM, WELL, I'LL BE DEAD IN TWO HOURS,
"'CAUSE IT WON'T GET BETTER THAN THIS,
SO I'M GONNA END IT, BUT THANK YOU."
I SIT DOWN, AND I AM NOT LYING.
THE SECOND I SIT DOWN, THE IN MEMORIAM STARTS UP.
I'M SMILING EAR TO EAR
FROM THE BEST COMPLIMENT OF MY LIFE.
AND THE SAD MUSIC STARTS,
AND WE START CHERISHING THE FOLKS WE'VE LOST.
AND I'M LIKE THIS,
AND I'M HAVING TO REMIND MYSELF,
"HEY, THEY MIGHT PAN TO THE AUDIENCE
AND OLD SHEPARD-- FIRST TRIP TO THE OSCARS."
[laughter]
IT WAS NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO NOT SMILE.
I'M NOT KIDDING.
KRISTEN WAS LIKE, "OKAY, HON, HON, HON, HON.
GET IT TOGETHER."
I NEVER GOT IT TOGETHER. WE LEFT.
THERE'S PHOTOS OF ME LEAVING AN HOUR LATER,
LIKE, STILL SMILING.
- THAT'S HILARIOUS. THAT'S HILARIOUS.
WE HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK.
WHEN WE COME BACK, I HAVE A LITTLE GIFT FOR YOU.
WE'RE BACK WITH DAX SHEPARD.
I JUST WANT TO GIVE YOU YOUR GIFT,
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO RUN OUT OF TIME.
LET'S GIVE DAX HIS GIFT.
[laughter]
- [screaming joyously]
WHOA! WHOA!
[cheers and applause]
THIS IS IMPRESSIVE.
- YUP.