- You know, it's tempting to think that self-esteem
is just something that's inborn in certain people,
they're just naturally confident
or attribute it to their childhood.
Well, they must have had great parents growing up.
They must have grown up in a loving
and supportive environment.
Well the truth is self-esteem is absolutely,
100% under our control.
We can grow our sense of self-esteem,
self-esteem is like a muscle.
So today I'm gonna share with you one proven technique
that can improve your self-esteem instantly.
Check it out.
(gentle music)
Hey there,
my name is Mat Bogs and I'm the founder
of the Love and Relationships Division
of the Brave Thinking Institute,
where our mission is empowering people
to create and live lives they love,
and that includes your love life.
And so if you like this video,
go ahead and hit the subscribe button,
click the little bell.
So you get notifications because every week
we bring you videos to empower you in your love life.
And today we're talking about self-esteem,
what is it that can grow the muscle of self-esteem?
help us increase our confidence,
which gives rise to better decision-making,
more freedom in life.
The ability to express who you are meant to be
in this world, and so to set up this principle,
let me share with you a story.
I grew up the youngest of four kids.
I've got an older sister who's two and a half years older,
and then an older brother who's 10 years older.
And then another older brother
who's 11 years older than I am.
And so we had a family tradition growing up
that every Sunday we'd go to church,
and then after church, our parents would take us
to a restaurant and then we'd go see a movie.
And this is our family bonding time.
And my brothers and sisters,
they would often get to choose
the restaurant we would go to.
And one particular Sunday, my mom tells us siblings.
She says, okay, today is Mat's day.
He's gonna be able to pick where we go.
And I'm like nine years old at this moment.
Now keep in mind, I really look up to my older sister,
my older brothers, but I knew what I wanted on this day.
There was one restaurant, that would trump
all other restaurants from my little
nine-year-old taste buds and that was McDonald's.
And so I told my mom, I wanna go to McDonald's.
Let's go, and I was so pumped, so excited.
Now my brothers heard McDonald's and they were like, oh,
they didn't wanna go, my sister didn't wanna go.
But my parents and my mom was like, I don't care.
It's Matt's day, he never gets to choose.
So we're going to McDonald's.
So the doors open to McDonald's.
I walk in like I'm on cloud nine, I'm loving it.
They have a play zone in the back.
I'm get myself a Happy Meal and I get my Happy Meal.
And we're all sitting down for this lunch.
And I see my brothers,
I see my sister and they are in a bad mood.
They don't like their food, they don't like what's going on.
And instantly I start connecting the dots,
that they don't like what's going on.
They're not happy about this.
And then we leave McDonald's and we're gonna go
to the restaurant and I'm trying to connect with them.
And they're like, no, they don't wanna connect with me.
And my little nine-year-old brain hooked up this idea
in that moment that if I'm going
to have great connection with somebody,
then that means that I need to put their needs
ahead of my own.
It was this wild connection that I made,
that if I asked for what I really want,
it might cost me connection with those that I most love.
Do you see what's happening here?
We will often form irrational beliefs as kids,
will make meaning and stories out of things
that aren't logical, that aren't even really true,
but become operating systems by which we live our life.
And I began to notice something really interesting,
that in my early twenties, I carried this belief
that if I asked for what I wanted,
that it would cost me the connection
or the love that I wanted.
And so I noticed that I would hesitate
to really ask for what I wanted.
I'd go to a restaurant and instead of asking
for extra sauce on the side of the burger,
like they didn't give me enough, I want more.
I just wouldn't say anything because I didn't wanna put
the waitress out, her going to make an extra trip
to the back, or it'd be on an airplane.
And instead of asking for the whole can,
this was back in the days
when they would serve you drinks on an airplane,
you didn't have to pay for everything,
instead of asking for the whole can
I just let her fill up that little plastic cup
and I would just drink that,
or I'd be working on a project in college and one person
wouldn't be pulling their weight, it's okay.
I'll do it for them instead of asking for what I wanted,
which was for them to do their share of that project.
That is a toxic pattern that erodes your self-esteem.
Because every time you don't ask for what you want,
every time you don't stand up for yourself,
what are you communicating to your subconscious mind?
Your subconscious mind picks it up like this.
The message that's communicated is Mat,
you're not worth an extra trip to the back for sauce.
Mat, you're not worth the whole can
of soda that you want.
Mat, you're not worth standing up for yourself
and asking that someone take on this extra project.
When you don't ask for what you want,
you're communicating to your subconscious mind,
to your hidden self image that you're not even worth that.
And it erodes your self image.
When I began to work on this,
it completely changed my life because I first became aware
of it when I would get irritated at other people
who'd asked for what they wanted.
I'd go on a flight with my buddy.
And he'd not only would ask for what he wanted.
He would ask for two cans of soda.
I remember one particular flight.
He asked for two cans of soda
and three extra bags of pretzels.
And I felt myself get so irritated with him.
I said, why are you asking for all that?
He didn't care if she thought he was selfish.
And he did it in such a charismatic way
that the flight attendant was happy
to give him the extra can.
She was like, yeah, I'll get you this extra can.
And I'll get you these extra bags.
She loved serving in that way.
And I realized, oh my gosh,
often the things that irritate us about somebody else
are the things that we haven't yet loved
inside of ourselves.
Hear that, the things that irritate us that upset us
about someone else,
are often the things that we haven't yet loved
and fully accepted about ourselves.
I hadn't loved myself enough to ask for what I really want.
And I was embarrassed about that.
There were parts of myself that I wasn't loving.
And so I began to work on that.
I began to, when I go to a restaurant,
ask for exactly what I want.
When I'm on an airplane, asked for exactly what I want.
I began to ask for things
in a whole new way and stand up for myself
when someone wasn't living up to their end of the bargain,
in a relationship or in a work relationship,
this all comes down to the art of being self assertive.
If you wanna raise your self-esteem,
this is the number one proven principle,
is to be self assertive, stand up for yourself
and ask for what you want.
It was this practice that completely changed my life,
skyrocketed my business and allowed me to meet my wife.
And that is when I was writing a book, my best friend
and I wanted to promote the book, Project Everlasting.
And so people ask, how did you get on the Today Show?
And I tell them, I literally picked up the phone
and I cold called them and I asked,
because I said, what show do I wanna be on?
I would love to be on the Today Show.
So I picked up the phone, cold call them
and with confidence and with a knowingness
that I am worthy of being on this show,
I am worthy of having people hear this message.
I am worthy of getting this work out into the world.
From that place, the Today Show said, absolutely,
we would love to have you on the show.
And that was the first catalyst moment
that transformed my business.
And that led to an event and a speaking engagement
and an event where I ultimately met my wife.
So how are you self assertive in your life
on a scale of one to 10?
How often do you ask for what you want?
How often are you willing to stand up for yourself
when someone's not meeting their end
of the bargain or not living up to expectations?
I'll share with you a quick story.
A client of mine went on a date two weeks ago.
She shared about this date on our group coaching call
and the women applauded, they were like, that is amazing.
I love how you were self assertive.
She was on this date and an hour in, this guy,
sexy, successful, good looking.
She's having a good time with him and yet on the date,
90 minutes into the date, she said, he's just talking,
he's talked the entire 90 minutes.
And so she interrupts him and she goes,
can I tell you what I would really love right now?
And he's like, yeah, what would you love?
And she goes, I would really love it
if you were willing to ask me some questions about my life
and were interested in some of the things
that I have going on.
And she said, you may not be aware of this,
but you've actually been talking for the last 90 minutes.
And while I'm highly interested,
I'm also wondering if you're actually interested in me.
And the only way you're gonna know
is if you discover more about me,
so would you be willing to ask me a few questions?
And he was a bit shocked and a bit struck in that moment.
And, but she said he leaned in,
he was like, yeah, of course.
I totally want to know about you,
well tell me about your family.
Tell me about where you grew up.
and she said it transformed into a beautiful conversation.
What a powerful way to stand up for yourself.
What a powerful way to be self-assertive,
to interrupt someone, we've all been on dates
where someone's only talking about themselves.
And instead of just playing nice being like, okay,
and then chalking that date up to not very good,
take control of the moment and say, "hey,
you know what I would love,"
very feminine, powerful statement.
I would love it if you would ask me some questions
and he lived in that moment.
So my challenge for you this day
is to pay attention to what you want,
pay attention to what matters to you,
pay attention to the moments when someone might be living up
to their end of the bargain and be willing to dial up
your own self assertiveness, because when you do,
you communicate to your subconscious mind,
you communicate to that hidden self image
that you're worth it, that you're worthy.
And that you matter, because the truth is you do,
you are worth it and you are worthy, and when you do that,
you build up the muscle of your own self-esteem,
which gives rise to more confidence,
which connects you to all kinds
of possibilities in your life.
So my question for you is what have you found
builds your self-esteem?
I would love to hear your insights.
Go ahead and post those in the comment section below.
I appreciate you, thanks so much for watching.
I'll see you soon.