- What's up, you guys? Welcome back.
So I was thinking, you know what's great about being single?
Relatives passive aggressively asking you,
have you met anyone new yet?
Or-
I read a post on Facebook
that your uterus literally dries up when you turn 30.
Friends do tend to be more supportive,
but there's always that one friend
that's a little less subtle than they think they are.
And that's not to mention the seemingly endless stream
of first dates that ranged from just not my vibe
to, wow, I hate everyone. Yeah.
But when we take a closer look at what sucks
about being single, a lot of it comes from other people,
their expectations, and even their fears.
There are also so many cultural narratives
about single people that just create
a hugely unnecessary amount of stigma.
You know the ones.
The narrative that partnered people are the happiest people,
as if people in relationships are never sad or lonely
or wanting for sex or wanting for connection.
Or the narrative that romantic love makes us whole.
Until then we're all just walking around with half a life,
half a soul, half a brain.
Actually scratch that last part.
And perhaps the scariest narrative of all
that single people don't have anyone they can count on.
They don't have any real love in their lives.
In reality, single people have just as many relationships
as partnered people,
they just don't have one specific type of relationship.
The romantic one. It's from all these tricksy assumptions
and pressures that we conclude,
oh, man. Being single is kind of sad,
pitiful, worrying.
And even if we know intellectually that these assumptions
aren't true, it can still creep in.
Last time I was dating, the question always came up.
Okay. So, you know, why are you single?
They were joking. Of course. He, he, he.
But I saw the fear in their eyes,
which is all to say, how we view being single
has a huge impact on how we view ourselves
and how we approach relationships.
I have a spicy take. There's a bit of pop wisdom out there
that being single is a time to learn to love ourselves.
Sounds great on the surface,
but then the quiet part comes.
After all how could anybody love you
if you don't love yourself first?
And forever alone.
This seems to imply that people
aren't ready for relationships
if they don't fully love and accept themselves.
But if that were the case,
there would be like four people on earth
ready for a relationship.
In my perspective, self-love is an ongoing process,
not a destination that we arrive at
after we've taken 15 scented baths
and lathered ourselves with a gorgeous body lotion.
There are people out here who don't love themselves
right now. Maybe never will,
who are perfectly worthy of being loved
and could make excellent partners.
But maybe my real problem with this sentiment
is just that love yourself isn't specific enough.
In my experience, the real value of being single
is that it gives us perspective,
perspective that can help us to become emotionally mature
and confident people.
What kind of perspective are we talking about here?
Here are the three that I find most important.
First off, we learn the comforts of our own company.
If you're very introverted, this is probably a no brainer,
but most people struggle, at least on some level
with the fear of being alone.
It's normal, it's human.
But if this fear is left unexamined,
turned loose to wreak havoc on your mind,
it can set us up for relationship sabotage,
tying to make bad decisions.
This fear can turn some people into compulsive daters.
Their lives become myopically focused
on finding their person.
They might rapid fire between relationships
with no chance to breathe in between.
They might even feel the need to rush to marriage
before the couple's really ready,
but an even more worrying manifestation of this fear
is staying in relationships way after they've expired
or even settling for toxic or abusive
or unfulfilling relationships,
because hey, it's better than being alone. Right?
Right?
As some wise person once said, the devil you know,
is better than the devil you don't.
Being single challenges us to look that little devil
in the eye and realize that being alone
isn't the absolute emotional ruin that we secretly fear
it might be. That being with ourselves
is a much more enjoyable experience than we thought.
Sometimes when someone fully leans into this experience,
they realize that for them flying solo
is the final destination.
It's not just a stop on the way to a committed relationship.
The second crucial perspective is the realization
that we can do a lot more on our own than we might think.
Cook myself dinner every night, check.
Buying an apartment to rent,
unclog a sink. Check, check.
There is an empowerment in realizing
we can rely on ourselves.
It does require a bit of struggle,
a bit of stress, a bit of discomfort.
But then we're rewarded for it, right?
With a quiet sort of confidence,
not the loud confidence that says,
I don't need anybody. Screw you and you.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no. No, no.
I'm talking about the quiet kind, that says, oh, yeah.
I got this.
The last type of perspective I want to throw out there
and maybe the most important is a sense of identity
that's independent of our romantic relationships.
We all know people who have lost themselves
in relationships. Maybe it's happened to you.
It's certainly happened to me.
It's very common. When we lack clarity about who we are
and what we're looking for it is very easy
to just sort of,
get absorbed into our partner's life,
into their dreams and their goals,
even their interests, their personality.
It's very hard to stay true to myself
when I don't know who myself is.
Being single is very helpful for this
because it frees up a lot of mental real estate
to explore and learn about ourselves,
to try new activities, pursue our passions,
meet people that you definitely wouldn't otherwise.
It also gives us time to build our village,
to build up a support system,
friendships, and you know, people from school
and work and church.
Investing time into building our village is really important
because for one thing, it takes the pressure off
of a partner to be our entire support system by themselves.
That's a lot.
It also gives us a lifeline if things fall apart.
When all of someone's community and their life
and their relationships stem from their partner
and they get broken up with
that can be catastrophic
because then it can feel not just like losing a lover,
but like losing yourself.
Let's be real.
We can acknowledge that, you know,
there's stigma and it's bullshit and everything.
And still, it can feel like shit sometimes,
especially if you'd rather be paired.
It's okay to feel like that.
I think sometimes in noble attempts to combat stigma,
people can create another stigma.
Like, well, why don't you love being single?
So no to that.
You don't need to try to fight that feeling or change it
because resisting it creates more agony.
So instead just accepting, okay,
this is where I'm at right now, this is how I feel,
can feel kind of freeing in and of itself.
That said, here are a few other things
that I think can be helpful to keep in mind.
One, while it might feel
like there are deliriously happy relationships
everywhere you look, this is confirmation bias.
At any given time in the U.S.
about 40% of adults are single.
That is almost half.
Two, we should all bear in mind
that finding a relationship has an element of luck involved.
It means the right place, the right time
and the right person.
Which means partially out of our control.
We do what we can, but life is full of wild cards.
Three, avoid the temptation to catastrophize
why you're single.
The only reason you are single
is because you haven't found the right person,
period. It's not because you're not attractive enough.
It's not because you don't have enough money.
It's not because you're not charismatic enough or whatever.
I mean, there are people from all walks of life,
all personality types,
all body types who find relationships.
It's just that for some people it's harder than others.
It takes longer than they want.
They might have to do more self work to get there.
I'm just noticing my stream some times and on the internet,
you know, some people weave
very elaborate negative stories about themselves.
And the stories we tell ourselves are very powerful
for better or worse.
Lastly, don't forget to take advantage of this period
of your life. One day you may look back and realize,
wow, that was the last time I was completely untethered,
a totally free bird with no obligations,
no one else to worry about but me.
As your relationships in life become more complex
and entangled with other people,
you might even feel nostalgic for that simplicity,
or maybe you won't miss it at all. I don't know.
We tend to see the past through rosy tinted glasses.
All I'm saying is it, eh,
your future self will probably feel more satisfied
if you try to make the best of it.
All right, my dears.
Just some thoughts I wanted to put out
into the internet abyss.
Let me know what you think
down below, and I'll see you next time.
(upbeat music)