The first step to making caramel apples is to locate an apple tree and pick an apple.
I'll take that one, please.
Thank you.
(Intro in minor key)
Before you make caramel apples, you want to get into the Halloween spirit
by putting up some spooky decorations.
some spider webs.. put in a couple ghosts
Then you want to get some blood on there
Great, that's looking nice and spooky
The jack o' lantern is the most classic Halloween decoration made from a pumpkin
Make sure to get your jack off of the counter and outside where people can see it
Other lanterns include..
The Jackalope..
The Pepp o' lantern..
The Appo' lantern..
The Cucumb-o' lantern
.. and the lantern.
Halloween is the one day a year where children are encouraged to take candy from strangers
While trespassing with a mask on
The candy apple is the egg salad sandwich of Halloween treats
You don't really want to eat one if you don't know where it came from
They're also a great way to make sure kids don't come back to your house next year
Now your going to want to get your sticks into the apples in advance
You can use a chopstick, or a popsicle stick, a nail file.
You can use your favorite wangjangler, you can insert a sharpie, a nice pair of scissors,
a wooden dagger that you carved yourself
a bread stick..
Whoops!
Or a carrot stick...
*CHEWS LOUDLY* Mmmmm... apples
The key to the caramel apple is balancing the tartness with the sweetness
You want a nice sour apple
to contrast the sugar
It's kinda like a sour key
Remove the stems from the apples
**WHISPERS CREEPILY** then keep them in a special place forever
We're gonna take these caramels, a *little* bit of liquid.. milk, cream, water
step up to the mic--
two
minutes
power level
six
or something
Once it starts to bubble up like some kind of Sci-Fi virus you want to give it a stir
*whispers* That's how you know it's working
Now I just had these in the freezer so that way the caramel will set immediately
Parchment paper here
let's just give it a spin
Oh that is some thick-ass caramel sauce
SPIN
Let's get the wangjangled version on there
I'm throwing these right in the freezer
BYE :D
I'm gonna take this apple..
Cut the top off
Cut the core out
Now let's FILL that up with caramel
smear some caramel around here..
and we'll just glue that shut
Now that is a caramel apple
The other thing we could do is
Take an apple
*CHOP*
Anndd add some caramel in the middle
make like a caramel apple sandwich
Its basically a stroopwafel
*sarcastically* OH LOOK AT ME. I'M FROM THE NETHERLANDS
Let's try one more
Now it does not want to stick to the inside of the apple
It's like nanotechnology or something
It's like that magical spray that came out a couple years ago *chuckles*
Where you can like pour mustard on your shirt and nothing will stick
maybe we should make, like, clothes out of apples
ya' know
Then we'll never get stained
That's patented
Alright so
Our candy apples set beautifully
And if you want to get even fancier from here, take some melted chocolate
Drizzle it all over there
*sarcastically* Oh look at me, I'm Jackson Pollock
It's also good to use if you didn't get on the top here
You can just
make it look like you meant it
And then, this handle is a little bit loose here, so use the chocolate to shore up the structural integrity
There we go. Once that dries it will be stronger than cement...
but tastier than a brick
This is mint chocolate by the way
if you don't like mint chocolate you're a f****** tool
maybe we can make a crazy face on here
That looks pretty good. That's actually my first time ever trying that
and then ya' know
we do like the theater masks
sad on this side
"oohh I'm in drama class"
Which caramel apple are you?
This is obviously is the most dangerous caramel apple a human could ever make
Mostly because of the dagger, partly because the apple seeds contain cyanide
This one is going to be really awesome if you're hungry and you need to stir some marinara sauce
Now we are going to put the caramel apples in a dark closet for 24 hours to infuse them with maximum fear
If you want to be THAT HOUSE at Halloween, the house that makes kids super excited, give out full sized candy bars
But if you don't want to give out full sized candy bars remove the candy bar from the package
Replace it with bread sticks and a little fortune cookie style note
"Life is full of disappointment"
Now you're ready to go
Another way to do a candy apple is to make the stick out of candy
That way you can start with the apple and finish with the really good stuff afterward
Other candy apples you can make are the juicy Frapple
the Skitt-apple
the Tic-tapple
the Kit-kapple
If you don't want to go through all the trouble to make candy apples
There's lots of other treats that kids LOVE
such as... sesame snaps, pepperoni sticks
apple sauce, seaweed
magic brownies, a spoonful of sugar
a can of tomato soup, a handful of prunes
a little box of raisins and old man mints
Happy Halloween everybody!
♫ *piano playing* You suck at cooking, oh my god ♫
♫ You suck, you suck, you suck at cooking, oh my god ♫
♫ You suck, you suck, you suck, oh my god ♫
♫ You suck. ♫
*spraying water sound*