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Transcription of interview with Diane Lang on December 17, 2012.
Douglas Goldstein, CFP®, Financial Planner & Investment Advisor
Diane Lang is a therapist, an educator, and a life coach.
She is also the author of the book called Creating Balance and Finding Happiness.
Douglas Goldstein, financial planner & investment advisor, interviewed Lang on Arutz Sheva Radio.
Douglas Goldstein: With all the holidays coming up which could be a lot of fun but they cost
a lot of money and it certainly seems to give people a lot of stress, what do you suggest
to them?
Diane Lang: One of the things I always tell people is to be upfront financially which
means to really tell family and friends what you can and you can’t do early on.
Don’t wait until a few days before Hannukah or Christmas.
Tell them upfront which is usually right before Thanksgiving and say to them, “This is what
I can afford.
Can we have a limit on how much money we spend on gifts?”
I have a lot of friends, family and clients who will only buy for the kids and they don’t
buy for the adults anymore to save money, but just being honest.
If you know it’s going to be a tough financial holiday season then recommend other options
to your family and friends, example buying for the kids only a grab bag.
We also do the charity option that instead of giving gifts, give to your local charity
instead or even homemade gifts especially from the kids.
Like my daughter goes to art and they are making all their gifts at art and I think
that’s great.
The great way to show how much you love, we all love getting gifts from kids that are
homemade, things that you can hold on to but really let people know upfront financially
so this way you don’t have that guilt and that stress of trying to find a gift for spending
more than you can, for the credit card bills that will come in January.
Just be upfront and do what you can afford so you don’t have that extra stress.
Douglas Goldstein: Who is the person who really puts the stress on?
Do you think that all the people around you are expecting you to give them a gift or is
it you who just feel that you’re supposed to?
Diane Lang: The truth is I don’t think anybody expects anything.
It’s the pressure you put on yourself so once you get rid of that pressure by telling
people what you can do and realizing that a lot of them are in the same shoes as you
anyway.
Most of them will be so empathetic because I think everybody is afraid to say it, everybody
feels that way so when somebody actually brings it up, I think it release all the tension
and I think the only people who really do expect gifts are the little kids because that’s
what they think of Christmas and Hannukah and that’s understandable.
But for adults, I think really we have to remember what the holidays are truly about
whether it’s Hannukah, Christmas, whatever it is.
Gifts are just the bonus, what the holiday is about is really just spending time with
people you loved.
Douglas Goldstein: There are some people who are really good gift givers.
There are really people who somehow think about it and they give these fabulous gifts.
Are these people who then feel bad if they don’t get a reciprocal gift that was well
thought out?
Diane Lang: Honestly, they shouldn’t because gift giving is about giving and that goes
back to again remember what the holidays are really about?
It’s about spending quality time with family, friends, and loved ones.
It’s about giving love and joy and if somebody truly feels joyful by giving a gift then that’s
great, but they shouldn’t expect anything in return and I don’t think most people
do.
I think we really have to remember to be grateful for everything we have on the holidays and
a lot of that gratefulness should be about how many friends, family, and loved ones we
can be surrounded by because that is truly what makes us happy.
Always remember that, money or material gifts only make us 3-5% happier so even if we get
a gift that we love and have been waiting for, a few weeks later, it’s going to fade
anyway.
Let’s say you save all your money and you get your dream car, you buy that Mercedes
or BMW whatever it is, a month or two later, you’re like “Okay, what’s next?”
It doesn’t hold that value.
It doesn’t keep that happiness level but what does is love.
By spending the quality and remembering “Wow, we had so much fun on that day.
We were laughing at this and look what are kids were doing” that’s what you remember.
You don’t remember the gift.
Douglas Goldstein: A lot of times you do feel that financial stress regardless of whether
it’s because their buying gift or simply because there are greater expenses to entertaining.
One of the solution that a lot of people come up with is they say, “I just have to work
harder.”
What do you recommend to people in that such situation to deal with the stress positively
rather than possibly getting away from their family just to try to earn more money?”
Diane Lang: We always discuss here in the states that stress for the holiday starts
right before Thanksgiving.
So really the stress that’s about a week beforehand because when we think of financial
stress, we think of gifts but really it’s more about the stress of setting the dinner
table, having the right amount of food, plate settings and appetizers and dessert.
It’s more than just a gift so people get extremely stressed out and it really causes
a lot of stress and anxiety or even causes depression for certain people.
You really want to have expectations that are realistic.
Don’t try for perfection at the holidays.
Really think about what can I afford, make that budget weeks beforehand to see what you
can afford.
If you work extra hours and you make extra money, that’s great but then you can always
need more anyway because you’re going to go, “Well, that cover this but what about
the gifts and what about the credit card bills in January?
What about the vacation we’re going and the travel expenses to go to grandma’s house?”
There’s always going to be more that you need so you’re never going to make that
amount that you’re looking for and if you do then there’s nothing left for me.
Instead of doing that, don’t try for perfection, watch your expectations and make sure they
are realistic because honestly, every time you set your table and you make this big dinner
or this big buffet for the holidays, you end up with so much leftover food because you
always give more than you think you need.
This time, budget it.
It’s okay to just have enough.
You don’t have to have so much that you have for the next five days, that’s a joke
here in America, everybody still making turkey sandwiches for a week later.
You don’t need to do that.
Make sure that you’re realistic, you’re not trying to be perfection and don’t set
yourself off of for value by just going overboard when you don’t need to.
Douglas Goldstein: One of the things you focused on is stress management.
There are certain exercise which you talk to and explain to people.
Could you describe some of them and what people could use?
Diane Lang: Yesterday, I actually made my group going to a circle.
My college class is teaching group dynamics and I made them go in circle and a do a gratitude
circle.
It is so important especially during the holidays to actually remind ourselves what we’re
grateful for instead of thinking what we don’t have or what we wish we did have.
Think about what you do have.
We have everybody say what they’re thankful for and we do that also on the Christmas and
Hannukah holidays, what are you grateful for and it might just be the family and friends
that are around you, the good food, and that you have a place to go but reminding yourself
what you have is really changing your perspective.
It’s allowing you to see the good instead of the bad.
It’s allowing you to see the glass half-full not half-empty.
You can change your perspective just by adding gratitude into your life.
How can you everybody say what they’re grateful for, kind of the way people do a prayer before
they eat dinner, you can do that as a gratitude check.
Everybody sits around the table with all the food and say, “What are we grateful for?”
and just by going around the circle, whether you have five people or 20 people, it really
lightens the mood.
When I did it yesterday, one of the students said right off the batch goes, “I can’t
do this.
I’ve nothing to be grateful for.
I just failed midterms.
I don’t know if I even have money for these holidays.
I don’t even know if my kids are going to stay home and I’ll be alone.”
I said, “Hold on, you go left.”
By the time she went around the circle, she had about six things that she was grateful
for because it changed the whole mood and that’s really important to do when it changed
her perspective.
So really making sure that everybody knows what they are grateful for and spreading the
gratitude.
It spreads the joy.
Douglas Goldstein: How do you teach this concept to children and certainly again with the stress
in the house and children witnessing this?
A lot of people unfortunately, they blow up with their kids.
They take it out on their family.
Diane Lang: The first thing is to teach kids gratitude, you have to act that way because
again kids are visual learners so they learn more by your action than your words so showing
gratitude.
When you start saying what you’re grateful for at the dinner table, they’re going to
follow this too and you might have to go first and the adults might have to go first but
by the time it gets around to the kids, they’ll start having a lot to be grateful for.
I remember doing that once to my daughter two years ago, she was 8.
She came back to her table and she goes, “Can I be excused?”
Runs out, comes back, and goes, “I’m grateful for my A that I got on my school test yesterday
and she was so excited.
It’s just little things like that but she has every right.
She worked hard, she studies and she was proud.
She had to leave the table to run and get the test because she wanted us to show all
our extended family how good she did.
She was proud of herself.
That shows how you could be grateful for the little things because she actually forgot
about it that she forgot to even show us the test, but then the next day, because of how
happy she was and how grateful that she studied and worked and earned it that it was a great
way to show.
After the gratitude what I thought was another great thing is my daughter and a few of her
nieces went into their rooms and pulled out all their old stuff animals and the stuff
that they no longer play with and we actually dropped it off at the Salvation Army the next
day and I thought that was wonderful too because you’re teaching them to be grateful for
what they have and the stuff they don’t have to give to others who are in need and
that’s so important.
Another way to do it and have your kids always say thank you.
Even when they get a gift, not only should they say thank you right then but extend the
thank you so they start learning gratitude by sending a thank you letter or calling on
the phone or sending a thank you email because every time they say thank you, they’re learning
more gratitude.
Even after their birthday party, they got all these gifts, they say thank you that day,
but the next day or a few days later, have them write out thank you cards or thank you
emails or call each person individually because that is teaching them gratitude as well?
Douglas Goldstein: How can people follow the work that you’re doing?
Diane Lang: They can either go to my website at www.dlcounseling.com or they can buy either
of my books at Amazon, Barnes & Noble or my website.
Douglas Goldstein, CFP®, is the director of Profile Investment Services and the host
of the Goldstein on Gelt radio show (Monday nights at 7:00 PM on www.israelnationalradio.com.
He is a licensed financial professional both in the U.S. and Israel.
Securities offered through Portfolio Resources Group, Inc., Member FINRA, SIPC, MSRB, NFA,
SIFMA.
Accounts carried by National Financial Services LLC.
Member NYSE/SIPC, a Fidelity Investments company.
His book Building Wealth in Israel is available in bookstores, on the web, or can be ordered
at: www.profile-financial.com (02) 624-2788 or (03) 524-0942.
Disclaimer: This document is a transcription and/or an educational article.
While it is believed to be current and accurate, divergence from the original is to be expected.
The original podcast can be heard at https://sites.google.com/site/goldsteinradioshows/.
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The opinions rendered herein are those of the guests, and not necessarily those of Douglas
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Readers should consult with a professional financial advisor before making any financial
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