- It's unreasonable to expect people who never met
our needs to suddenly meet them.
When you feel safe and secure and seen,
it doesn't really matter what's going on from the past.
- Hi, Marisa. Thank you for the opportunity
of asking a question.
My name's Sarah, I'm from the UK.
I'd like to do some work with my inner child.
I wonder whether you've got any advice on
whether they can be transformed
and merged with the adult side of you.
Thank you.
- So, Sarah, people get very confused
with the inner child and the adult
and, "What is the inner child?"
Well, it's just what I call the "unmet need."
So when you're a little girl or even a tiny baby,
you have very few needs.
And the needs are to feel safe,
to feel loved, to feel connected.
And as you get a little bit older, your needs are the same,
"I want to feel safe, loved, connected,
"but I also want to feel celebrated.
"I want to feel that you're proud of me."
And then we become an adult
and, actually, we still have the same needs.
Safe, loved, connected, secure, celebrated, proud of me.
And what happens with children
is when these needs aren't met, only two things can happen.
The child thinks,
"Well, these needs are never going to be met,"
so they give them up or they go out into the world
and go, "Hey, I got to find someone to make me feel special,
"to make me feel I matter, to make me feel loved,"
so they give the need away.
"Could you out there come into my world
"and make me feel I matter?"
And when you give the need away,
what happens is the person may meet the need,
"Hey, sure. I can do that.
"I can make you feel lovable and smart and significant,
"but I might leave you.
"I might get really sick and my needs come to the front."
So when a child's needs are not met,
something very tragic happens,
they never stop loving the parent,
they immediately stop loving themselves,
and they often carry that with them forever.
They give up the need.
"I'm never going to find love. I'm never going to matter.
"Things are never going to work out,"
or they give the need away. But there's a third way.
And it's the only way.
And that is to meet the needs yourself.
So take a minute now and think about what is your need?
Do you need to feel important, significant, lovable, smart,
interesting, intelligent?
And, of course, that's an important need.
You just take a minute and start to go, "Hey, I matter.
"I'm smart, I'm lovable, I'm amazing.
"I've got something to offer the world."
It sounds kind of weird that you're thinking of your need
and saying it to yourself.
However, when you start to say it,
your mind doesn't go, "Hang on, who's saying that?"
It doesn't matter.
So if you needed your mom to tell you
that you were gorgeous,
your dad to tell you that you were significant,
your teacher to tell you that you were smart,
and they never did it,
they're never going to do it.
It's unreasonable to expect people who never met our needs
to suddenly meet them.
So whatever you need to hear,
and for everyone listening to this call,
whatever you have an unmet need for, start saying,
"I'm the favorite kid.
"I'm the most amazing child.
"I matter so much to my parents," even if it's not true,
"I'm smart, I'm lovable, I matter."
Keep saying it and saying it because, remember,
your mind doesn't know and it doesn't care
if what you tell is true or false,
good or bad, right or wrong, it lets it in.
So your inner child has unmet needs,
and the adult you is wandering through life with a belief,
"Well, I'm never going to meet this need,"
or, "I've got to find someone to meet all my needs,"
but let go the third way.
You know, I was never the favorite kid,
and that's all I wanted.
When I was a grown-up, I began to say, "I'm the favorite.
"I'm the favorite."
It actually shocked me that within two weeks,
my parents both reacted to me as if I was the favorite kid
and always had been.
And it ceased to matter what had happened before,
they both tuned into me as if I was their favorite.
So, I'm saying, "Oh, you're amazing
"and you're the favorite." I thought, "This is really weird."
What was even weirder is by the time I had done that,
I thought, "Oh, I don't need to be their favorite.
"I feel like I am."
And that's the only thing that matters. When you feel smart,
lovable, gorgeous, significant,
when you feel safe and secure and seen,
it doesn't really matter what's going on from the past,
because the past is gone,
the present is where you're at.
So think about your needs.
Everyone on this call, think about your unmet needs.
Think about meeting them yourself.
You might say, "That's fake it till you make it,"
but the mind doesn't know.
So if you start to say, "I'm magnetically lovable,
"I'm so smart.
"People love me.
"People listen to me," your words shape your reality.
And those words will start to make that your reality.
Let me know how you get on. And that was a great question.
Thanks for sending it in.