>> Stephen: NOW, WE'RE STILL DEALING WITH THE FALLOUT OF THE
INFAMOUS REPUBLICAN MEMO WRITTEN BY HOUSE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE
CHAIR AND MAN WONDERING, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMELL ON MY
KNUCKLES?" DEVIN NUNES.
REPUBLICANS HYPED THIS DUD FOR WEEKS, AND THE CENTRAL ARGUMENT
OF THE MEMO IS THAT THE F.B.I.
WAS BIASED WHEN THEY GOT A WARRANT TO WIRETAP FORMER TRUMP
ADVISER CARTER PAGE, SEEN HERE ON THE WAY TO HIS OWN BABY
PICTURES.
ADORABLE.
SO ADORABLE.
NUNES SAYS THEY RELIED EXCLUSIVELY ON THE STEELE
DOSSIER AND NEVER DISCLOSED TO THE JUDGE THAT THE DOSSIER WAS
PAID FOR BY TRUMP'S POLITICAL OPPONENTS.
NOW, IF TRUE, THAT'S A PRETTY DAMNING CHARGE.
SPOILER ALERT: NOT TRUE.
TURNS OUT, THE PARTISAN NATURE OF THE DOSSIER WAS MENTIONED IN
A FOOTNOTE.
NOW, NUNES SHOULD LEARN HOW FOOTNOTES WORK.
HE'S ABOUT TO BECOME ONE IN HISTORY.
>> Jon: OOOOH!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: FRIENDS OF HIS.
SOME FRIENDS OF NUNES HERE TONIGHT.
BUT WHO READS FOOTNOTES....
EXCEPT THE SECRET JUDGES IN THE FISA COURT, YOU NUMBNUTS.
NUNES TRIED TO DOWNPLAY THE FOOTNOTE ON "FOX & FRIENDS."
>> SO A FOOTNOTE SAYING THAT SOMETHING MIGHT BE
POLITICAL IS A FAR CRY FROM LETTING THE AMERICAN PEOPLE KNOW
THAT THE DEMOCRATS IN THE HILLARY CAMPAIGN PAID FOR DIRT
THAT THE F.B.I. THEN USED TO GET A WARRANT ON AN AMERICAN CITIZEN
TO SPY ON ANOTHER CAMPAIGN.
>> Stephen: YES, THE PROPER WAY TO GET DIRT ON ANOTHER CAMPAIGN
IS FROM THE RUSSIANS.
I MEAN, JUST BECAUSE A FOOTNOTE COMPLETELY DESTROYS YOUR ENTIRE
ARGUMENT, THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULDN'T KEEP MAKING THE
ARGUMENT.
I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU.
FOOTNOTE:
HE DOESN'T READ FOOTNOTES, RIGHT?
HE DOESN'T READ-- >> Jon: HE DON'T READ.
>> Stephen: HE DOESN'T READ FOOTNOTES.
OKAY.
AND THERE'S ANOTHER FLAW IN THIS MEMO.
BECAUSE WHILE IT CLAIMS THE INVESTIGATION INTO CARTER PAGE
WAS POLITICALLY MOTIVATED, IT ALSO MENTIONS A TOTALLY
UNRELATED INVESTIGATION INTO THE RUSSIAN TIES OF FORMER TRUMP
AIDE AND GUY ASKING THE STRIPPER HER REAL NAME, GEORGE
PAPADOPOULOUS.
AND REGARDING PAPADOPOLOUS, NUNES HAD A STRANGE CLAIM.
>> AS FAR AS WE CAN TELL, PAPADOPOULOS NEVER KNEW WHO
TRUMP WAS, NEVER MET WITH THE PRESIDENT.
>> Stephen: YES!
PAPADOPOULOS NEVER MET WITH TRUMP.
UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU COUNT THIS PICTURE OF HIM MEETING WITH
DONALD TRUMP.
BUT THAT PHOTO-- THAT PHOTO-- LOOK, LET'S BE HONEST.
IT LOOKS BAD.
BUT THAT PHOTO DOESN'T PROVE TRUMP KNOWS HIM.
IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S A PICTURE OF TRUMP AND A BLACK GUY.
>> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: IT DOESN'T.
NOW, THE MEMO WAR CONTINUES, BECAUSE YESTERDAY, THE HOUSE
INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE VOTED TO RELEASE THE DEMOCRATIC REBUTTAL
TO THE G.O.P. RUSSIA MEMO.
SO OUR NATION'S LEADERS HAVE BEEN REDUCED TO PASSIVE
AGGRESSIVE MEMO WRITING.
IT'S THE CONGRESSIONAL VERSION OF THE OFFICE THERMOSTAT.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, WE DON'T KNOW-- SHARON!
GET A SWEATER!
NOW, WE DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT'S IN THE DEMOCRATIC MEMO,
BUT WE DO KNOW THAT IT'S 10 PAGES, AND IT HAS NOW BEEN SENT
TO TRUMP, WHO HAS FIVE DAYS TO DECIDE WHETHER TO DECLASSIFY IT,
WHICH IS PERFECT FOR TRUMP'S READING LEVEL: TWO PAGES PER
DAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT WHY-- WHY?
READING IS FUNDAMENTAL.
BUT WHY GIVE HIM SO LONG?
TRUMP DOESN'T TAKE FIVE DAYS TO DECIDE ON ANYTHING.
I THINK HE DECIDED TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT ON HIS ESCALATOR RIDE
TO THE LOBBY.
"I DON'T KNOW, SHALL I?
SHOULD I?
I DON'T KNOW."
WE DON'T KNOW YET WHAT TRUMP IS GOING TO DO, BUT PEOPLE ARE
SPECULATING THAT HE WILL RELEASE THE MEMO, BUT WITH A LOT OF
REDACTIONS.
IN FACT, WE ARE ACQUIRED AN EXCLUSIVE SNEAK PEAK OF THE MEMO
WITH TRUMP'S REDACTIONS.
IT SAYS, "NO COLLUSSION."
"TRUMP IS GOOD."
AND THEN JUST KEP ENOUGH LETTERS TO SPELL THE WORD "BOOBS."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
WANDA SYKES IS HERE.