No one wants a repeat of January 6,
when a mob of the world's angriest aunts and uncles
attacked the Capitol Building.
And we all watched the riots live on the news that day.
But as time goes on, we're finding out that
the situation was even crazier than we thought.
NEWSMAN: New details tonight show just how close
the violent mob got to the vice president and his family.
NEWSMAN 2: As the mob chanted "Hang Mike Pence"
and a makeshift gallows went up,
the vice president, his wife and daughter,
were just seconds away from being spotted,
according to The Washington Post.
At one point, they were hiding less than 100 feet
from the violent crowd attacking police officers,
journalists and others.
NEWSWOMAN: And the chilling search for Speaker Nancy Pelosi.
NEWSWOMAN: Inside the Senate Chamber, insurrection.
Where the (bleep) are they?
Where are they?
You know, I used to blame lawmakers
for not getting anything done.
But now I’m starting to think that maybe
it's the Capitol Building that jams up Congress.
Because did you see this mob?
They came in with the goal to overthrow the government!
But then, once they got in, they were like...
Yeah! Let's throw this thing...
You know what, maybe we should vote on something.
I don't know. Let's...
Actually, guys, let's adjourn for the day.
We'll come back tomorrow, and... We couldn't get anything done.
And if you didn't believe it before,
this is how you really know that Trump supporters
are a cult.
Because they wanted to hang Mike Pence
for finally accepting the election results.
Mike Pence, people.
No one has been more loyal to Trump than Mike Pence.
While Trump was screwing America over last four years,
Mike Pence was gently guiding his hips from behind.
Now you're calling him a traitor? Mike Pence?
And I know people don't like him, but I for one
am really glad that this mob didn't hurt Mike Pence.
'Cause I think we could all agree that
no one should have to die a virgin.
Now, since that day,
the FBI has rounded up over 130 people
so far for taking part in the assault on the Capitol.
And if you're wondering how on earth
did they find all these people, well,
it turns out it was all on the 'gram.
NEWSMAN: The man posing beneath the sign
above Nancy Pelosi's office
is a firefighter from Florida, Andy Williams.
We're all trying to get into the Capitol to stop this.
NEWSMAN: A corporate lawyer from Dallas, Paul Davis,
posted this video and was quickly identified by his boss.
Nicholas Rodean wore his work ID badge around his neck.
NEWSMAN 2: This man posted a selfie, smoking a cigarette,
with the caption "Hello from the Capitol lol."
NEWSMAN 3: The man who put his feet up on Nancy Pelosi's desk
is 60-year-old Richard Barnett,
known as Bigo.
NEWSMAN 3: And this fellow, Derrick Evans,
livestreamed the moment he and others members of the mob
broke into the Capitol.
No, guys, guys, you can't be serious.
Has it really gotten this bad,
that social media has poisoned us to the point where
we're gonna livestream our treason?
And I love how some MAGA people were like, "This is our 1776."
Yeah, guys, you didn't see George Washington
crossing the Delaware like,
"I do declare... selfie!"
I will say, though,
this is an argument for defunding the police.
Because you don't need billions of dollars for detectives
when you can find criminals
just by scrolling your Instagram discover page.
So after four years, President Trump
is spending his last days in power
like many tin-pot dictators: convincing his most rabid fans
to keep fighting for a lost cause while he
hides in a bunker somewhere.
But whether you hate Trump
or whether you just mildly dislike him,
you have to admit a few things about this man.
Number one: he has changed American politics forever.
For starters, the red phone in the Oval Office
will always call McDonald's instead of the Pentagon.
That's not going to change.
Also, he's completely dropped the bar
for presidential behavior.
I mean, in ten years a president could pee in the middle
of a press conference, and everyone will just be like,
"Huh, I guess he just had to go."
Also, you got to admit that Trump,
from the time he ran for president, he's been consistent.
You know, the victimhood and the racial resentment
that came down that escalator in 2015--
well, those are the same that ended up at the Capitol
on January 6th.
And because Trump has been so consistently bad,
because he's been so consistent at being himself,
he's exposed how bullshit so many other people are.
For instance, Fox News.
They spent all of 2020 screaming that "blue lives matter."
The way Fox News defended police
during the George Floyd protests,
you would have thought that opposing police brutality
was the same thing as killing police.
But then, when their people stormed the Capitol
and police at the Capitol were beaten and actually killed--
two officers were actually killed--
all of a sudden, Fox News is saying this.
These are not conspiracy theorists
motivated just by lies.
Uh, that's a bunch of nonsense that people want to tell us.
These are people that understand first principles.
They love freedom and they love free markets,
and they see exactly what the anti-American left
has done to America.
So many of them are just patriotic,
well-loving Americans who are frustrated
that their institutions of government,
of media, uh, have let them down.
A lot of these people are not dispossessed.
They're not some, you know, creepy, androgynous blogger
who shows up to burn things down.
They're, like, kind of solid Americans.
Ah, I get it now.
These people weren't creepy bloggers.
They were solid, law-abiding Americans.
And nobody is allowed to kill cops
except for the people who respect cops.
They can do whatever they want.
Also, where the hell did "They love free markets" come from?
Free markets?
I wasn't picking that up when people were smashing windows
and breaking the Capitol down.
Like, free markets?
Free markets are not something that drives a riot.
No one's ever slapped someone over a free market before,
much less murdered a police officer.
Look, man, the point is,
you guys clearly don't care about cops.
You only care about the idea of using cops
to keep Black people in their place,
so please miss me with that bullshit.
Also, Lindsey Graham.
Whether you're a liberal or conservative,
everyone should agree that this asshole,
this Cracker Barrel mascot is a weasel,
the worst weasel of any kind,
because after the Capitol was stormed--
after the Capitol was stormed--
and it looked like Trump was done,
he gave a big speech about how he was done supporting Trump
because Trump "took it too far.
"He just took things too far.
Oh, no."
But then, the next week,
he was suddenly flying on Air Force One again
because he realized Trump wasn't out,
and then he started blaming the attack on the Democrats.
NEWSWOMAN: Senator Lindsey Graham
placing blame for the Capitol Hill riot
on House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. Watch this.
GRAHAM: What happened on January the 6th
was one of the low points in my time in office.
It was horrendous to see people come and take over the Capitol,
the House and the Senate, beat officers,
defile the seat of government.
How in the hell could that happen?
Where was Nancy Pelosi?
It's her job to provide Capitol security.
"Yeah, Nancy, why weren't you in your office
"when people were coming to kidnap or kill you?
"What were you hiding, yourself?
Aha! We got you, Nancy, we got you."
What did Lindsey Graham expect Nancy Pelosi to do, huh?
Set up booby traps in the Capitol
like an old-age Home Alone?
Please, please miss me with this bullshit.
And this also goes out to all those Republicans
who spent four years backing a president
who called his opponents
"un-American" and "enemies of the people,"
but now, now that he's getting impeached
and might be held accountable,
oh, all of a sudden it's time to move on.
Today is a moment for members of Congress
to put aside partisan politicking
and place people over power.
We should be focused on bringing the nation together.
We must be bigger and better than the most base of instincts
that have been driving our political discourse.
It is destroying us.
Let's link arms with one another and begin to heal.
Does not matter
if you are liberal, moderate or conservative.
All of us must resist the temptation
of further polarization.
As history shows, unity is not an option,
it's a necessity.
Okay, I don't know what crazy-ass world
you people grew up in,
but how are you going to start a fight
and then tell everyone else to calm down?
Can you imagine if a terrorist tried to hijack a plane,
and then after the marshal tackled him, he says,
"Okay, okay, I think everyone needs to calm down!
"Let's just come together and watch the rest of Croods.
"All right? Let's just do this together.
"I'm gonna have the chicken, thank you.
Shh! The movie."
All these people who tried to overthrow the government,
yo, they can miss me with that bullshit.
And it's not just Fox, it's not just Republicans.
Social media companies, for years
people have been warning you about the violence
and conspiracy that you've been amplifying
and allowing to spread on your platforms,
and for years you've said you can't do anything about it,
but now that the Capitol has been ransacked,
now, all of a sudden, it turns out you can.
"Now that the violence has happened,
"we're gonna do everything we can
to stop the violence from happening."
I mean, I don't know if I'm the only one,
but I think it's really funny how social media companies said
that they don't have a magic button to stop hate online,
but then, when Trump lost, suddenly they were like,
"Oh, we do have that button.
Here it is."
So, what, now these companies want a cookie
for doing the right thing too late?
Miss me with that bullshit.
I will say, though, it was funny that random apps
that had nothing to do with Trump
also decided to pile on the Trump ban,
like when Spotify and Pinterest banned Donald Trump.
What was that for?
What, did Spotify think
that Trump was going to release a mixtape?
What's the Pinterest ban for?
Is Trump going to put up border wall images on his page?
Although... it would be funny if Spotify was actually the thing
that broke Donald Trump's heart.
Like, if he was just sitting there, like,
I don't care that they blocked my Twitter
or my Instagram or Facebook.
I've still got my Spotify... (yells)
(sobbing yell)
Look, man, here's the thing:
by this time tomorrow, Donald Trump will be out of power,
and I just hope, I hope that he slowly fades away,
like one of his tans.
And I know that he'll never fully be gone, all right.
He's basically the COVID of politics.
America's going to be experiencing side effects
long after he's out of the system.
And, unfortunately,
we're probably going to see mutated strains as well.
But I do hope that with him at least not being president,
we can all get back to being a bit more honest with each other,
and more nuanced in how we talk about what divides us.
That's my wish for the next year.
Because I don't know what 2021 is going to bring,
but if it involves any bullshit,
I kindly request that I be missed.