hello and welcome today we are going to be talking about how to love an addict
without enabling them or allowing them to run all over you and yes if you were
just watching a second ago this is take two of this video I just did this for
you I was outside and then realized when I went to check it that the wind was
horrible and the sound was terrible so I'm gonna do it for you again because
this video I feel like it's really important because we're going to talk about
the lines in the sand the boundaries that you shouldn't flex on at all these
are the lines in the sand as in do not enter that's where it is this is a stop
sign because most people that know me know or if you've watched my videos you
know that like my number one rule is have as few rules as possible the reason
is is because I like to leave it in my like in my sort of court to make a
game-time decision and when you make a bunch of whole concrete rules and home
contracts and crazy things like that you don't leave yourself the freedom and the
power to do that but there are a few rules that I feel like you should have
in fact today I'm gonna tell you 10 I got a whole list of them for you right here
that I don't feel like that you should break or flex on a couple of these you
might feel like you're obvious when you hear me say them but I want you to stop
and think I bet you've been putting up with this I bet you don't let it happen
because when you live in chaos every day you forget that it's not
normal it's not okay and sometimes you just even need to hear me
say like hey not okay let me know in the chat or the comments if
that's the case if I say something and you're like oh yeah she's right I
shouldn't be letting that happen I know it just becomes your regular and then
you don't even think about it so today we're gonna think about it don't let
these things happen number one don't let someone abuse you I know you think I
shouldn't have to say that but I'm saying it because especially when you're
dealing with an addict or alcoholic or someone with a substance abuse problem it's like
you think well they were intoxicated they didn't mean it they wouldn't
that if they weren't you know messed up that's probably true but if you've got
someone who's getting messed up on a regular basis and treating you crummy it
doesn't matter it's not okay to be emotionally abusive to you physically
abusive to you nothing it is not okay so don't allow that put a boundary protect
yourself this isn't about trying to control them this is about where the
line in the sand is this is where you cannot cross if you want to hear more
about that in detail I released a video two videos actually a few weeks ago
about dealing with abuse ones about emotional abuse ones about physical
abuse if you haven't watched those check those out because it sort of spells out
what things fall in that category because I know you probably think you know what
you know what abuse is but sometimes you forget because it's just happening so
often number two stealing we see I think stealing is one of those things that
fall into the category of abuse now okay like I know if you've had a kid maybe
they took five dollars out of your wallet one time okay that's you know
something ground them whatever I'm talking about when someone is like
taking things from you to the point that you feel like you can't sleep at night
you have to sleep with your wallet under your pillow you've got stuff locked up
in the trunk you're hiding things all the time if
you're living like that means you're being held hostage in your own home and
it is not okay to me that's a form of abuse would you let anyone else stay
with you who was abusing you like that I don't think so so stealing falls in that
category don't keep letting happen you shouldn't
have to live in a house where you can't just leave your purse on the kitchen
counter come on number three don't let emotional blackmail keep happening to
you and if you don't know what that is it's like when someone they know you
care about them so much that you don't want something really bad to happen
and they use that care and concern to basically force you into doing things
they want you to do that you don't want to do like for example if you don't give
me the money and I guess I have to go out on the street and prostitute myself
and I'm probably get killed and I guess that'll be on you seriously like that's
emotional abuse if someone says if you don't do this I'm going to kill myself
that is emotional abuse we're going to come back to suicidal threats but that's still
emotional abuse when they're saying if you don't then this
not cool dude that's blackmail don't do it you know and so they're
using that care and concern against you and they're holding you hostage and in
my mind that is completely out of bounds and here is why you really really should
not let that happen because if you cave into it one time you can guarantee
it's gonna keep happening to you it's like letting a two-year-old get by with
a tantrum like because they wanted something in target
you know if it's me I was gonna get that for you but you
threw a fit so now I definitely can't get that for you because you validated a
really out of bounds behavior don't let someone hold you hostage with emotional
blackmail number four is suicidal threats now
here's my rule on that never take it lightly even if you think that it's just
an emotional blackmail and that they don't mean it the reason why there's two
reasons why you never take it lightly don't just say oh they're just drunk or
whatever they don't mean it or something like that to yourself because number one
it's just it's just not a judgment call that you want to be wrong on even as a
counselor even if I think you know don't really think they're gonna do it but if
that's what they're telling me I'm gonna take that serious and I want you to as
well I've got a whole video on this when I jump off here I'll link it for you in
the description but you don't you want to not just sort of brush that off for
two reasons one they could mean it and you need to keep them safe and I'll put
the video up here to tell you what to do if that happens but - even if you
they're just sort of emotionally blackmail
me with it you still don't want to just brush it off you want to take action and
take that serious in a way and they're gonna know oh that didn't get me what I
wanted that just got me a whole big headache and a hassle of having to deal
with some mental health professionals and so if it is emotional blackmail then
they'll stop doing it because it's not effective so if someone's threatening
suicide take it seriously call the authorities get them seen and checked
about because you're covering your base either way number five do not let the
person with the addiction the addict or alcoholic split you against other people
that are involved in the situation like other family members or friends or
something like that because some of you have probably seen my video on
splitting so you may know this on a little deeper level but addicts
and alcoholics that's what addiction does is it keeps everybody pit against everybody
else it keeps my mom pit against my wife it keeps mom pit against dad it keeps
siblings mad at parents and as long as that's happening addiction will continue
because as long as that's happening everyone else around that person is
gonna be totally tied up and being upset with the other people involved in the
situation and it's like a distraction technique that throws everybody off
course from the real problem which is this big addiction living right in your
house that's not okay so they'll know what your buttons are they know if you know
like you don't like your mother-in-law they know if you are mad
at dad because X Y or Z they know that you know if it's a teenager or college
kids a lot of times if there's other kids in the house they'll pit those kids
against the parents because they'll be like the other kids maybe they're
younger they'll think well mom dad are you mean to him and that's not fair
do not let yourself fall into that splitting don't do it number six
don't try to like physically force a situation and most of the time when it
comes with like addiction what that really
basically means is like don't stand in front of the door if they're like screw
you I'm leaving don't try to wrestle their cellphone out
of their hands don't try to like beat them and like
take the tequila bottle don't physically try to intervene on that it's not safe
for you and it's just sucked you down into a level of craziness and so don't
do that you know if it's you're trying to take a cell phone and it should go on
try that thing off like it's pretty easy just say done because you're paying the
bill you know if it's a situation like you're worried because someone's
intoxicated and they're about to leave and go get in the car and they're
telling you you you know you've said you know don't like you should drive or I'll
Drive you've said all that kind of stuff and they're just intend on doing it and
you know then call the cops when they leave say this is the license number
this is the road we live on like I'm really worried they are not safe to be
on the road but don't stand and block the door that is going to escalate on you
really quickly cuz you're really gonna be dealing with someone's intoxicated
who's not gonna be rational and things are gonna get ugly or worse you're gonna
be standing in between an addict or alcoholic and their drugs
and let me tell you what that's not gonna go down well that's going to get ugly
fast don't do it number seven this one's
interesting you probably didn't expect this one don't try to force the other
people in the family to forgive the addict or alcoholic or give them another
chance let me tell you where I see this most often most of the time it is
families usually like a mom or dad trying to convince the siblings to
forgive the sibling that you know the brother or sister that has the addiction
or it's a parent that's had an addiction or has an addiction and the other parent
is trying to make the kids forgive forget you know let go of all the things
that mom or dad did they were like messed up and the reason
why you don't want to do this is because it doesn't really work and it causes the
person to build even more resentment and be even angrier at the person so maybe
this person is in recovery now and they are doing better and you really do want
them to be able to mend those relationships I hear you on that and a
lot of times I feel the same way because I'm usually one seeing the person with
addiction and I'm usually like on their side and I really want them to make it
work but it's really for them to fix it is part of the natural consequences of
everything that happened if you watch any of my videos you know do not
intervene on the natural consequences which is they burned a bridge like let
them mend those fences you don't try to force it because most of the time when
that happens and someone is like really dug in and doesn't want to forgive the
person it's not even because that person like stole from them it's not even
because that person did something bad to them you know what it is it's because
that person hurt someone else they really care about like a lot of times if
it's a kid that won't forgive a parent it's like they've watched that parent
being mean or abusive to the other parent or to other kids in the house and
you know how fierce that is you know it's like oh you don't mess with my
people that's strong and so they're not ready to be over that very easily and
you have to give them their time to do that so the other time I see it really
often is with siblings where one child has an addiction and another
one of the kids or all the other kids are really mad at that brother or sister
and that is because they've watched that kid totally ruin the family's life
totally consumed the parents they watched it make the parents fight
they've just seen it caused so much chaos it's really hard for them to let
go there's a video on my channel about making amends where I interviewed couple
of my friends in recovery and both of them talked about in their story about amends
that they both had a sister that literally took them three years after
they were clean this over to forgive them because of
really what I'm telling you know don't give permission for your child to use
drugs in your house blatantly this one's a little complicated and gray if you know
that they're using and you know you can't stop it you're not ready to throw them out
okay fine I'm talking with that even if you know what's going on up there right now
but you're not ready to deal with it okay but don't do this because sometimes
when parents are faced with that they'll like say I know they're gonna do it
anyway I can't stop them so they'll say like okay fine you can smoke weed with
smoke weed in the garage or out in the you know barn in the field or whatever
don't do that because once you open that gate you can't shut it back and I've
seen a lot of parents and once they do that it's like even if they bring in
that person to me I can't hardly get under control because you set the
precedent to actually put your endorsement on it so I'm not telling you
have to wrestle them down I'm not telling you you have to go up there and
pay police officer and absolutely make sure that they're not doing the house if
you're dealing with an addict or alcoholic they're using in your house that's all there is to it
don't lie to yourself but don't just say okay fine and then they're just using in
front of you or you're going out and like buying the weed or something no
don't do that this one's kind of funny you ready for it
don't use anything I say or another counselor says against your loved one
because we see this happened in the office all the time and I'm guessing
that this happens out there maybe given people I've never even met but they'll
say they're like what Amber says that you shouldn't do that or that that's
this or that's that come on that doesn't that's not effective like no one wants
to hear so-and-so says that doesn't work so even if you know it that's not a good
way to introduce the concept and another thing that happens a lot is like
sometimes people will call me up and they'll say hey well you you know work
with my loved one where you counsel down will you just talk to them one time for
a coaching session if you've done been telling them for my
Amber says that Amber says this you shouldn't been doing this you've burnt my bridge
with them I'm like I can't do anything with them because they see me as a bad guy so
don't just don't do that it's not effective and then here's number 10 this
is the last one don't ignore your intuition because your intuitions pretty
much gonna tell you right and when family members tell me something that
they just know I don't ignore their intuition I believe them even if
they don't have evidence because I know that you know now even though I don't
want you to ignore it I want you to listen to it and know that it's telling
you a truth I also don't want you to necessarily immediately react to it
because yes your intuition will tell you the truth but it probably won't give you
a very good solution on what to do about it so I want you to take time before you
make a decision about how you respond to a situation because remember this
channel is all about saying five steps ahead of addiction so don't just
immediately like confront someone or bombard them until you've thought about
it and you've got a game plan on how to do it those are my 10 if you are
having trouble with these boundaries or any other boundaries and you need
further help you should consider joining our family recovery Academy where I sort
of teach you step by step in depth like exactly how to motivate someone towards
recovery how to get them from A to B to C to D I mean I really go through and
teach you everything that I would do if they were sitting in my office and I'll
put a link to that in the description or if you want some individual help you can
schedule a phone consultation session with myself or any of my staff we are
all trained in mental health and addiction and we all sort of work from
the same playbook so we would love to help you now the next thing I want you
do which is super easy and doesn't cost you a thing is I want you to watch this
next video I'm gonna link it up here for you as soon as I get off here about
boundaries because boundaries is such a complicated topic you really need to
thoroughly need to get your master's degree in boundaries if you've got a
loved one with an addiction all right thanks for hanging out with me and I
will catch you next time you