(Jonathan gasps then laughs)
- It's kinda like if "The Terminator" had a baby
with "Edward Scissorhands."
Is cheating on your partner ever okay?
No. End of video. (laughs)
Oh, okay.
No, we got more dude, Mended Light.
we're gonna explore some people's reasons
for cheating and I will give you my two cents.
(upbeat music)
Welcome to Therapist Reacts Raw, where my producers give me
something that I've never seen before
and I just react to it in real time,
so these are my knee-jerk gut reactions.
This video is, we asked 100 people if they've ever cheated.
Maybe somebody could get me to budge
from my, it's never okay to cheat position.
Let's see how strong your arguments are.
- [Interviewer] Have you ever cheated on somebody?
- Yes.
- Why'd you do that?
- 'Cause I'm hoe. (laughs)
(Jonathan laughs)
- Okay, to be clear, I don't think it's okay to cheat.
That doesn't mean I think people
who have cheated are defined necessarily
by that action or that they're bad people.
Because I certainly, while I've never cheated,
I certainly have done things
in my life that weren't me living up
to my ideals and values.
So get that outta the way right now.
If you're watching this and you've ever cheated on somebody,
I don't think you're a bad person
but let's talk about the actual behavior of cheating.
(bright music)
- [Interviewer] Have you ever cheated on someone?
- Oh, no.
- Have I ever cheated?
- No. - No.
- No. - No
- No. - (bleep) No.
- Never. - Never will.
- Never, never, never, never ever.
- Okay, so never will.
Watch that, 'cause everyone I've ever counseled for betrayal
or infidelity, all of them never thought
that they would do it.
No, that's not true.
There's one guy who knew himself pretty well
and he's... (laughs)
He could have predicted that from a long ways off.
But everybody else just never thought
they would never do this.
And that's what happens, right?
Because cheating happens to people who thought
that they would never cheat.
And we'll explore why in just a little bit.
But you're not a hoe, sweet woman.
No, don't, don't.
- Have you ever cheated? - I have not.
- I have not cheated.
- No. - Nope.
- No. - No.
- Why not? - You just don't.
- But hang on.
Props to the first person
'cause how many of these people have cheated
but they're on camera and they're gonna be on YouTube?
Takes real vulnerability to own that, so good for her.
- 'Cause I'm honest.
- Wait, I'm not judging.
I'm just trying to understand.
I mean I think asserting your individuality
is a fantastic thing.
I've just never, it's kinda like if "The Terminator"
had a baby with "Edward Scissorhands."
It's fascinating.
- I'm not somebody who needs
more than one person's affection.
- I have like, I would say tunnel vision.
- I think that's one of the worst things you can do
to another person into their self-esteem.
- Okay, I'm not a person who needs affection
from more than one other person.
Yeah, the guy that I knew who cheated
and he could have told you that he was always gonna cheat.
He knew that he had an issue,
he was like a bucket with a hole in it.
And no matter how much affection his partner gave him,
it just leaked out the bottom
and he was always trying to get affection for more people
to fill up the bucket.
And it always just leaked out the bottom.
The issue was he had to plug the hole with love for himself.
That's how you stop the leaking of affection out the bottom.
And he didn't love himself.
In fact, he hated himself.
He thought he was scum.
And so he was in the cycle of cheating,
trying to find affection from other people
and it just never worked.
It just made him feel worse about himself.
Integrity, I think is the way to love yourself.
And when it's about the worst thing you can do
to someone's self-esteem.
Yeah, I mean it's up there.
If you are feeling like you're gonna cheat,
end the relationship and then move onward,
- It's disrespectful.
- It's just like, how can you do something like so terrible?
- There's no excuse for doing that, I think.
- She says, "How could you ever do something so terrible?"
That's at once true, but also a judgment
from somebody who's never been there.
Trust me, people who have cheated, most of them
feel awful about it and they're trying to figure out
how they got in this position in the first place.
We need to be at once, recognize how harmful the behavior is
and be gentle towards the majority of people
are good people who did something they regret.
- [Interviewer] Have you ever cheated?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Hm-hmm.
I know.
- [Interviewer] Why do you do that?
- Well I guess the sex wasn't very good.
- Boredom.
- Like I've pussied out of being upfront
about their being a lack in the relationship.
- I was kinda just going by instinct.
- Somebody threw themselves at me and I accepted it.
- I found out he was cheating, so then I did it too.
- The revenge cheating.
"I wanna hurt them like they hurt me."
And sometimes you do, but then what happens?
Like where are you?
Nothing gets better and usually you feel worse
because they did a behavior that you disagree with morally
and then you did the same behavior
and now you're in the same boat
and you compromised who you are.
Boredom, the sex wasn't very good.
These are all things for couples counseling.
That's why we have couples counselors.
And if your partner doesn't want to do the work
and if your partner doesn't want to look at it,
then that's where you say, "Hey, this isn't working for me.
And if you want it to work, this is what I need.
I wanna do counseling or I wanna do this, that,
or the other so that it can work."
And if they're not willing to do it,
that's when you say, "Okay I guess we're gonna part ways."
Instead of cheating.
- He did it too.
- He did it first.
- It was like a tit for tat.
- I have cheated in most of my relationships.
- Yes, I have cheated on somebody before.
And I've been arrested, shit.
(Jonathan laughs)
- No. - No.
- I ended it.
- That guy's my favorite.
- Play.
- Just break up with them if you wanna cheat.
- One time, I did break up with someone
because I felt like I was gonna cheat on them.
- Yes, good.
- [Interviewer] For you personally.
- Yes.
It wouldn't be a deal breaker
and it wouldn't like, break me.
- If it's just like sexual, maybe we could work it out.
But if it's like if there's feelings involved,
then I don't wanna be part of it.
- It's interesting, infidelity means different things
to different people.
Because for some people,
it's a much bigger deal if you have feelings for somebody
than if you sleep with them.
And for others, yeah sure, have feelings, that happens
but don't cross the line of having sex with them.
So here's how I define infidelity.
That you share something outside of the relationship
that you've agreed belongs only inside the relationship.
Whether that's a type
of romantic emotional connection or a sexual connection.
Because some people are polyamorous
or they have threesomes and stuff like that.
Not my scene.
But I understand it's like, well, we have agreed-upon rules.
We have agreed-upon rules,
this is what we're all comfortable with that we've said
and as long as it stays within that,
then it's not a betrayal of trust.
And in those circumstances, it's about the lying
or it's about the deceit or it's about going beyond
what we agreed upon.
And in any relationship it really comes down
to it's a contract.
It's a verbal contract and in marriage,
it's a literal contract between partners
of what each is going to accept,
what each is going to do
and what each is not willing to tolerate.
- Happens once.
Maybe a mistake but like happens twice,
you're just an asshole.
- Cheaters are like people of habit
and like they end up cheating again.
- I cheated on somebody in high school
and I know the people that don't cheat say,
"Once a cheater, always a cheater".
But it's like, "Go (bleep) yourself."
I was dating boys but really I liked girls.
I was sexually confused.
- We learned girl and mature,
we make changes to our behavior based on outcomes.
So someone who says, "Once a cheater, always a cheater,"
that's just a narrow judgmental statement.
I know plenty of people who cheated regret it
and they grew because of it
and they're the person who's the least likely to cheat now.
- My first relationship was falling apart.
There was a couple points of infidelity
'cause we were long distance and I made mistakes.
- [Interviewer] Do you regret it?
- Absolutely.
- I did feel guilty.
Still kinda feel guilty.
- You feel horrible.
I don't know how guys can do it.
(Jonathan laughs)
- It felt more or less okay.
- I helped someone cheat, it felt really awful.
- Easy on the assumptions there.
The assumption is that men can do that
without remorse and women can't,
and that is not categorically true.
Yes, I've met men like that and I've met women like that
but let's not gender this.
- Right after it happened, I instantly told my best friend,
"I just did something really bad.
This is what I did.
How do I tell him?"
- I've been cheated on a few times.
- [Interviewer] What does that feel like?
- Awful. The worst.
And it affects your future relationship.
- Yes.
And that has happened to me,
not my marriage but in a dating relationship
I was cheated on.
And you feel like you've been replaced
by someone better and it's a major blow
and you can bring those insecurities with you
and crave acceptance to the point where you get desperate
and needy and clingy.
And I'm not saying I blame my clingy needy behavior
on the person I dated or cheated on me,
but my next few relationships were rough in that arena.
- It's pretty soul-crashing.
- [Interviewer] What do you think about cheaters?
- They suck.
Karma will get them.
- I try not to be super judgmental about it
because I know that everybody's capable of it.
- Ah, you're a shit person.
You're a shit ass person.
You have a girlfriend, you sick (bleep).
- [Interviewer] Have you ever cheated?
- I have.
- Yes. - Yeah.
- [Interviewer] Have you been cheated on?
- Yeah.
- [Interviewer] What'd that feel like?
- Karma.
I was upset a little bit but I was like,
damn, actually did come back around and hit me though.
(Jonathan laughs)
- [Interviewer] Have you ever cheated on someone?
- No. - No.
- No.
- I've definitely thought about it.
- Never been in a relationship so no.
- No.
I've like cuddled with people.
- (laughs) When dudes like,
"I've definitely thought about it."
Something to recognize.
Most people aren't wired to only find one person attractive.
And there are people who are like, "Once I found my spouse,
I never looked at another woman"
or "I never looked at another man."
And I'm always like, "Really?"
I mean, no, good on you.
My experience is that we find a lot of people attractive.
It's about integrity and commitment.
And when you think about it, how much do you think
about it and how much do you dwell on it?
But having those thoughts pop in
or finding someone attractive is nothing to fear
or feel guilty about, it's just part of being who we are.
It's what you do with that.
Do you dwell on it or do you direct yourself
your energies back to the person that you're with?
- With my first boyfriend ever, I cuddled someone else.
I mean it was a sexual cuddling.
(Jonathan laughs)
- You mean sex?
When you say sexual cuddling, you just mean sex, right?
'Cause... (laughs)
'Cause what else could you mean?
'Cause who cuddles naked and then doesn't have sex?
I have so many questions.
Is this like a whole movement?
Do I need to build like a niche practice
on sexual cuddling recovery?
And if so, how do I get trained in that?
What type of research goes into that?
I'm out of it.
I'm officially out of touch.
- The worst that I ever let happen is I let somebody
touch my boob under the shirt.
- Oh.
- That's the worst.
It's in my journal.
Ugh.
- [Interviewer] Have you ever cheated?
- There was a point
where I maybe emotionally cheated on somebody.
- [Interviewer] What classifies as cheating?
- For me, cheating just meant that I was involved
with somebody and didn't tell the whole truth.
- Cheating is not telling me who you hooking up with.
- If you have a boyfriend but you do something
with a girl, then that may not actually be cheating.
- Depends on the relationship, honestly.
There are some people who are totally cool with that.
Like, "I'm your man so I don't want you
with any other man, but you can be with a girl,
that's fine."
Dating is messy
and different people have different expectations
and different people have different rules
and different people have different boundaries.
Which is why communication is so crucial
to actually understand the person that you're with
and what is gonna constitute.
Not just, "Okay, what are the rules
in the nitty gritty so I know what I can get away with?"
In fact, not that at all.
I want you to feel safe.
I want you to feel cherished.
I want you to feel loved.
And I need that too.
So here's my boundaries and expectations.
What are yours?
- And actually going to the strip joint is not cheating
if you tell him about it.
- The day before I broke up,
I kissed the person I started dating afterwards.
Feels like a speeding ticket.
- [Interviewer] Are you ever cheated?
- No, I've never cheated.
- No. - No.
- No. - Never cheated.
- No. - No.
But I mean, I'm open to it.
- No, that person would say otherwise.
- I have exes that thought we were monogamous.
- Well it depends on what you consider a partner.
- Exclusivity was not discussed.
- Our rules and boundaries were loose
but I could have been more honest about the situation.
- So monogamy was never discussed.
It's probably assumed, right?
Unless you're looking to get away with crap,
in which case, you don't really have business
being in a relationship with somebody
if you're trying to get away with stuff.
That's not integrity and that's not being a partner.
So talk about it.
See if you're a fit for one another.
- Talk about it.
'Cause maybe of your partner will be like,
"Yeah, you can bang that person."
- [Interviewer] Have you ever cheated?
- Prior to my wife, I did.
It was some spur of the moment.
- In high school, I cheated on my girlfriend.
I'm like, "Did I really just (bleep) this up?"
- [Interviewer] Would you go back and not cheat
on your past partner?
- Yeah, I would.
I probably just would've ended it sooner.
- Have you ever cheated? - Yes.
- How many?
Okay, so long story short.
Is cheating ever okay?
I'd say no.
Is cheating human?
Yeah, to some extent.
'Cause we all have drives, sexual and emotional
and people try and justify cheating with,
"I was feeling neglected.
I was feeling hurt.
I felt lonely.
I felt sexually frustrated."
These are all reasons to explore and examine
the relationship and see if you want
the relationship to continue.
But crossing the line into cheating,
you can't blame somebody else for that.
Because you could have handled it by breaking up,
you could have handled it by getting counseling,
you could have handled it by exploring
what boundaries would work for both of you
or what behaviors to change
so that the relationship could work or to be done with.
So I don't think cheating is ever okay.
That said, I love one person said,
it literally could happen to any of us.
Any of us are capable of that.
And so I believe in treating cheaters
with compassion when there's genuine remorse about it.
If there's not remorse,
if they don't regret hurting other people, yeah,
they don't deserve my compassion. (laughs)
If you're watching this and you've cheated,
use your guilt to change and then leave your guilt behind.
If you're watching this because you've been cheated on,
know that being cheated on is not an indicator
of your worth.
It says more about the person who cheated.
And if you or your relationship are trying to heal
from infidelity, we have a course for that.
We have an entire healing from infidelity
online relationship course that you can take
in tandem with one of our relationship specialists,
our trauma specialists.
Go to mendedlight.com
and schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation today.
If you enjoyed this,
speaking of poor relationship behavior,
check out me reacting raw to Nate from "Euphoria."
Holy crap.
Have you been cheated on or have you cheated?
Let us know in the comments below how that felt
and what you did to deal with that and who you are today
on the heels of all of that.
And what YouTube video or have seen from a TV show
is floating out there that you'd like for me
to react raw to?
Let us know in the comments below.
As always, folks keep shining because we need your light.
(upbeat music)