- [Narrator] From West Hollywood, California,
the only news team that doesn't know
what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.
This is Breaking News.
(upbeat music)
- [Christine] Hello, and welcome to Breaking News.
The show where we don't know what we're about to say
and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Stacy Drugs.
(evil laughing)
- [Amy] And I'm Robert Patinson's Batman.
Show me the clues.
- Our top story tonight, a scandal has,
rocked another Titan of American industry
as Burt, from Burt's Bees has been indicted.
(evil laughing)
- Oh, no. No.
(laughs loudly)
I am the world's greatest,
I am the world's greatest detective.
I solve crimes with my fists.
- A spokesperson for the company has denied,
any wrongdoing on part of Burt.
The CEO Burt,
the 10 board members whose names all rhyme with Burt,
which I can list now.
Kurt,
Furt,
(quietly giggles)
Lanurt,
(evil laughing)
Thanurt,
(evil laughing)
Dirt, just Dirt, just Dirt as a name.
Hurt
- Plus
- Hurt plus
Rurch
Belanurt.
- Riddle me this, what's scarier than darkness?
Bats!
- For his part,
Burt has remained mostly silent on the charge,
which is of course,
honey laundering.
(evil laughing)
- Jim Gordon is my friend.
- Burt is also under fire for allegations
that he goes to hives at nights
and scoops up big handfuls of honey
like a big hungry bear.
Security footage shows that he did,
a Winnie-the-Pooh impression the entire time.
The footage is locked by court
but I'll re-enact it for you now.
- Oh no.
(laughing loudly)
I'm very rich and very sad.
My Butler's name is Alfred.
I have a bat mobile.
I have a batarang.
I have a bat cave.
I love.
I don't love Lois Lane, that's the other guy.
I think.
- [Stacy] (inaudible)
- [Alfred] Thanks Stacy.
You know, cardiovascular disease is one
of the leading health risks in America.
It's important to make sure
you're getting your heart rate up every day.
One of the best ways to do that is by getting scared.
I recommend all my patients watch a scary video like this.
Oh no.
Okay.
Please.
- Oh, no.
- Internet activity, concentrating really hard,
and then
(high pitch screaming)
- Yeah. Ooh
- Doctor, I'm worried about my sugar intake.
Do you have any advice for me?
- Absolutely.
Glucose interacts with the electrical signals
to your heart by...
the, you know, electricity.
So you can deal with those,
by
rubber.
- Interesting.
I have a family history of ventricle tachychardia.
Can you tell me what it is and how to prevent it?
- Certainly,
venticular trichotomy.
There's you know the I'm gonna break down the words for you.
Ventricular there's vents.
It goes through your body.
It's a thing where your body,
there's too many vents in it.
There's too many holes in your body,
so you gotta just not breathe.
Keep it all in.
And it's, you know,
just live your life to the fullest.
- One last question,
I hate diet and exercise.
Is there some sort of
quack science you can recommend for lazy people like me?
- You bet there is.
Introducing Dr. Chocolate's heart healer.
It's a cattle prod that you electrocute yourself with,
electricity, baby.
The electrical current resets
your natural heart rhythms
by stimulating neurological impulses.
- Interesting. Can you demonstrate
by shocking yourself on the wrist with it?
- Certainly.
- [Sam] I have to assume this has been vetted by somebody.
- How bad is this gonna hurt?
Do I just press this button and then do it?
(screams loudly)
- (inaudible)
- Thanks doctor
- With great power comes great responsibility. Aunt May!
- We'll go now to chip, Captain Jim
here to give us some tips
on how to get fish to bite when we're
out and about this summer.
Captain, how's the water?
- [Sam] Oh, it's a beautiful day out here, Stacy.
The fish are biting
and these are some beautiful boats,
rolling through the inlet.
- Oh, that sounds great.
I wish I knew more about boating.
What's the difference between a monohull and a cat?
- Well, A monohull comes from the Latin,
mono as in one, and hull as in,
hull.
Whereas a cat
is an animal.
So they are in fact completely different things.
One hull,
a cat.
(evil laughing)
- Aha, and how about-
(evil laughing)
the difference between a cat and a pontoon?
- Well, I feel like I've been over the cat part.
A cat is a feline animal
and therefore completely separate and distinct
from a pontoon,
which comes from the Latin
pon,
meaning
pond, a small body of water,
and toon, meaning animated.
An animated body of water, versus a feline species,
completely different things.
Only vaguely to do, either of which with,
boats.
- I am Groot.
- You know, folks, even though today is lovely,
you won't always have such nice conditions out on the water.
A proper fishermen should be able to
catch fish blindfolded,
and I'm,
oh boy, a proper fisherman.
So to demonstrate
I'm going to blindfold myself, right now,
and do some fishing.
- Terrific.
- Now these waters behind me are protected though,
so instead of catching trout,
I have a really long pole.
Long enough to reach Amy.
At the end of it is a string,
and at the end of the string is licorice.
The other newscasters are gonna direct me while
I use this pole to feed Amy, a little bite,
of candy.
- Oh, oh goody goody gumdrops.
- Let's do glasses over the blindfold.
(evil laughing)
Okay, stay in character Sam.
Okay, long pole.
I didn't even get a good look at this,
I vaguely know it's in my hands.
- To the left, to the left.
- To the left?
- Yeah, there you go. There we go.
- Okay, well there's a pole in the way-
- There's obstacles so you're going to.
- And then forward
- Forward.
- Little more, your left.
- My left?
- Yeah.
- There you go.
Well there's you might wanna go over that, so up.
- Up.
- Left
- Down.
- Yep.
- Very nice.
- There we go, straight, yeah, straight, yeah.
- Yeah then straight ahead, you're smooth sailing.
- A little more right for you.
- Yeah that's perfect.
- Bat red vine.
- Okay, forward, forward.
You're almost there,
maybe like another few steps.
- You are so close.
- Down now look down, lower.
- To your right, to your right.
- To my right.
- There you go, yeah.
- Stop playing with me.
Stop playing with me
- And more up
- up
- Down a lot
- Down a lot.
- There you go.
(cheering and applause)
- (inaudible) Captain.
Great work.
You can take your blindfold off now.
- There you go.
- See how easy that was.
I hope that helps on the high seas.
Was this the voice I'm doing before?
I sure hope so.
- Thanks captain.
Well, that does it for us.
But before we go,
we'll tell you that today's loser is...
Amy.
And as punishment they'll have to eat licorice,
while they shock themselves with a cattle prod.
- Ooh, pull and peel, you don't do that often.
- Not red vines at all.
(laughing loudly)