-We'll show you how to master classic Disney Channel moves,
like "Eating then Freezing"...
"Reacting to Stinky Feet"...
-Ew! Oh! I'm -- Ew!
-..."Spying in a Doorway"...
and "Entering on a Scooter."
-Did you hear Cody's great-grandmother died!
-The funeral is Monday!
-Does this happen to you?
-[ Sighs ]
-Is your closet an absolute mess?
Are you way too stupid to keep your closet clean?
-Introducing the new Zipco Closet Organizer.
Great for shoes, sweaters,
belts, hats,
parkas, jeans,
underwear, socks,
scarves, Dockers,
water,
blankets, lamps,
trophies, marbles,
phone books,
additional water,
loose peanut butter,
pie, pie, pie, pie, pie!
Listen to this testimonial.
-I got so laid last night. I was at this club,
and I went up to this really hot black girl,
and I was, like, "Hey, anybody ever tell you
you look exactly like Beyoncé?" And then I went in for the kiss,
and I noticed she had, like, a full man's mustache.
And I was, like, "Let's do this thing."
-It's so simple to use!
All it needs is two meals a day
and a little bucket to do its business in!
Pillows, tires, important papers,
glassware, animal feathers,
dirt, and cheese!
-A clean closet is just a phone call away.
The Zipco Closet Organizer!
Available at Bergdorf Goodman
and the gift shop at the Vatican!
Order one today!
[ Upbeat music plays ]
-Hi, there.
I'm Miley Cyrus from "Hannah Montana."
-And, from "That's So Raven," I'm "So Raven"-Symoné.
-And if you're a teen actor looking to improve your craft,
look no further.
It's the Disney Channel Acting School.
At the Disney Channel Acting School,
we'll teach you all the skills you need
to be the star of your very own Disney Channel show.
-Disney Channel Acting is its own art form.
And to master it, you're gonna need
a special set of tools.
On the Disney Channel every person has to be
the loudest person in the room. Watch.
What's wrong, Jamantha?
If I don't get an "A" on my science project,
I can't go boogie-boarding with Devon!
-Well, then you should trick Thomas
into trading projects with you!
Good idea!!
In the Disney Channel world,
any child is smarter than every adult.
-Hey, sweetie, you wanna see my stamp collection?
Oh, gee, can I?
I bet they're super cool. [ Chuckles ]
-Sweet niblets!
You'll also learn advanced techniques
like the "Pause then Dis."
So, you have to pause and then destroy the person.
Ask me if I like anchovies.
-Do you like -- -Ow!
[ Light clatter ]
I don't think so!
-Plus, we'll show you
how to master classic Disney Channel moves,
like "Eating then Freezing"...
"Reacting to Stinky Feet"...
-Ew! Oh! I'm -- Ew!
-..."Spying in a Doorway"...
and "Entering on a Scooter."
-Did you hear Cody's great-grandmother died!
-The funeral is Monday!
[ Clatter ]
-The Disney Channel is all about sensory overload.
So you wanna make sure your clothes are
as loud and crazy as you acting.
-I'm auditioning for "Wizards of Waverly Place."
What should I wear?
-How about a bright pink hoodie with a big-ass daisy on it.
-Isn't it a little bright?
-What you say?
-Let me show you this blouse I wore on episode 75.
-Glasses on!
[ Bag unzips ]
[ Fire crackling ]
-That's so Raven! -Shut up!
-So come on down to the Disney Channel Acting School!
-Call today! Parent permission not needed!
♪♪♪
-Opening jars.
Every time, it's the same old story --
the twisting and turning, the aching and spraining...
the scalding and burning...
the swinging and striking...
the panicking
and dragging...
the digging and burying...
the lying and stalling...
the resisting and tasing...
[ Taser crackles ]
...the convicting and sentencing...
[ Gavel bangs ]
...the shackling and imprisoning...
the studying and appealing...
the plotting and scheming...
[ Dogs barking ]
...the barking and the shooting.
[ Gunfire ]
-There's got to be a better way!
-Now there is!
Thanks to Jar Glove.
Jar Glove, the better way.
Oh.
-Now only $19.95, plus shipping and handling.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hi. I'm Dale Sturtevant.
I've been raising dogs since I was 6.
And nothing has brought me more joy or more sheer frustration,
than training a puppy.
With a very young pup, correcting problem behavior
can be especially maddening.
And, like you, I've probably tried all the tricks --
screaming myself hoarse, starving them,
locking them in a closet for days on end,
or just beating them without mercy.
But after my third arrest
and court-ordered anger-management counseling,
I learned to channel my rage into an effective
non-violent puppy training tool.
It's called "Dissing Your Dog:
How to Train Your Puppy with Mockery and Verbal Humiliation."
You see, dogs are much more intuitive
than we give them credit for.
They know when they're the butt of ridicule.
And when they misbehave, a well-placed sarcastic comment
or cutting remark can work wonders
where a rolled-up newspaper fails.
Whatever your puppy's behavior problem,
I guarantee I can help you fix it.
Problems like...
Oh, no, no, no, Humphrey, don't get up.
Why don't you just stay there and relax.
After all, you did put in a long day of work
at a demanding high-stress job.
Oh, no, wait a minute -- That's me! Now I remember!
I'm the one with the job.
You're the one who lies around the house all day
in a pool of your own slobber!
[ Laughter ]
Hey, Walter! Thanks for your "help"
with the new off-white sofa.
Everybody agrees that dump you left there
was the perfect "accent." So, good job.
Oh, and by the way, Milton Berle called.
He wants his bladder control back.
That's it! Good dog!
Oh, right, Margaret, you wanted prime rib.
Here's the deal -- The Palm wasn't taking reservations,
and I didn't even try Morton's
because I understand they have a new chef.
So for now, let's just go with the Alpo, okay?
I know it's not your first choice, but keep in mind,
you're a [bleep] dog!
[ Laughter ]
♪♪♪
I'm so confident this program works,
I want to send you Volume 1 of the five-part series
free of charge.
Once you've seen it, I know you'll order the rest.
Right, Murphy, you brainless sack of excrement?
[ Laughter ]
[ She's being punished.
Announcer: To order "Dissing Your Dog,"
dial 1-800-555-0199. Call today.
Remember, there's one thing stronger
than a dog's sense of smell -- his sense of irony.
♪♪♪